The all new 2015 Jeep Patriot comes in an untainted, never-mixed white color.
TOLEDO – Racial tensions have retracted to a flaccid normal in the wake of a massively lawful shooting that took place in Ferguson, Missouri.
But the shooting of an unarmed American teenager six times (including a 360 no-scope killshot) smack in the middle of a suburban street did not go by without controversy: many argue the unarmed teen stole snacks from a bodega, which makes the murder even more legal, and still others believe the police did not do enough to disperse rioters fast enough, causing horrendous traffic jams for local workers (that is, people with jobs who are too busy to protest every time the cops do their job), and one American company is poised to implement a policy that they say “will eventually pave the way for easier daily commutes for everyday Americans.”
In a press conference this morning, Jeep announced that from Ferguson onward, they will only offer their 2015 Patriot model in one color: pure, powerful white.
“We have seen the future,” said Jeep CEO Mike Mannley from the Toledo Throne Room high atop Jeep’s manufacturing headquarters, “and the future is white in front of us.”
Jeep served reporters in attendance unlimited fresh water from Lake Eerie. During the presentation, they coddled the news media, allowed them to leave their cameras on all day, and asked each female reporter if recently they lost weight, because they look great.
“After watching the events unfold in Ferguson,” Mannley explained, “I think we all can agree that this animalistic behavior—protesting, looting, essentially just blocking traffic—might be okay for a wildlife refuge in Africa, but our American infrastructure – our pavement laid by generations of God-fearing Patriots – is reserved for gasoline intensive sport utility vehicles, and high performance petroleum-based tires.”
Our precious bodily fluids must not be adulterated by the virulent savages we got running loose down in Missoura.
- Jeep CEO Michael White Mannley
Jeep’s decision to apply their “whites-only” policy to just the Patriot model is said to be the first phase of a unanimous decision by their board of all-white directors to steer marketing in what they see as the right—or white—direction.
Phase Two will reportedly see their popular “Cherokee” model changed to a more “appropriate” name. While nothing is yet confirmed, a leaked list of contenders for the name changed include: Redskin, Gas Huffer, and the all-new Jeep Squaw Hopper. The company is keeping quiet about a “Final Solution” in the works, but as one anonymous factory worker at the Toledo Complex put it, “Let’s just say we may finally be heating up that industrial strength oven…”
The Patriot is one of Jeep’s most popular and patriotic models. It remains to be seen whether a move to all-white Patriots might alienate the growing majority of non-white minorities in this country – but sources close to the industry hope so – if only for Detroit’s sake.
But as we here at the Internet Chronicle say: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.
NSA’s HATEFINGER has been deployed to quell the spread of “virulent domestic unrest” in Ferguson
INTERNET — The NSA, seeing that the flow of data into and out of Ferguson, Missouri was inevitably leading to a nationwide anti-police revolution, “pulled the plug,” as an Anonymous NSA leaker told Internet Chronicle. The active weapon, codenamed HATEFINGER, overwhelms domain name servers, which act as interpreters for internet protocol addresses and make up the most vulnerable part of internet infrastructure. Network Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Oh if the NSA wanted to drop the whole internet with domain name server attacks, I’m sure it’s well within their capabilities. Snowden’s shown their capabilities far exceed such a simple attack.”
Now that Ferguson protesters are to blame for nationwide internet outages, the public has lost sympathy for their cause. “It wasn’t enough that they had to loot and mess things up for everyone,” Gerald Darey, 56, of St. Louis said. “But now I can’t get on my facebook or my other, more important web sites that I pay good money to view. I’m about to lose my mind and just run out in the streets like an animal, myself, with my hands up in the air.”
Critic of the government and supporter of the Anonymous insurrection, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, refused to blame the protesters for triggering such dramatic clampdowns by the government and instead pointed her finger at the government clampdown itself, saying, “This is yet another case of militarized police, or more specifically, policified military. The NSA is supposed to be a code-breaking wing of the military, and by deploying HATEFINGER on the US populous this is a clear use of the military for domestic policing. The founding fathers intended, with the most-neglected amendment, the third, that military shouldn’t be brought into civilian populations to police or control, because they saw what happened at the Boston Massacre and they didn’t want that to happen again. But in Ferguson we see this happening every day, and because the founders obviously failed in phrasing the third amendment in a way that would withstand the test of time, now we have the military in our computers, in our streets, and maybe citizens aren’t forced to house them, but the effect is just the same. War on the streets of the homeland, war inside our domestic communications devices. This has to stop.”
Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William’s Suicide.
INTERNET — Henry Rollins, also known as Henry Garfield, was found dead in his home Saturday after his stomach tragically burst. Rollins angrily denounced Robin Williams for his recent suicide, saying, “I no longer take this person seriously,” but doctors say his ruptured chest was full of viciously chewed hate mail from Robin Williams fans.
Henry Rollins will be missed for his interesting addition to the classic American Hardcore band Black flag, even though he felt the band never really made it, saying “Flag never assimilated will with the Hollywood Punk scene.” Rollins was known in the music scene for his daddy issues, famously phoning up Ian MacKaye, a grandmaster of angry white man hardcore second only to Jello Biafara, to ask for permission to join Black Flag. MacKaye approved.
Not only was Black Flag an outsider in its milieu, but Rollins was an outsider, a mere replacement within Black Flag. The band, and Rollins especially, were targeted for abuse everywhere they played. Rollins himself admitted, “I got bottles bounced off of the head — after a a while, you become very wary, ready for someone to fuck with you — you get into you-versus-me situations. To this day I take shit.”
No one ever really liked Henry Rollins, especially his spoken-word stuff, and he will most likely not be missed by anyone except maybe four people at the most. Robin Williams was definitely more popular, his suicide overshadowing Rollins’ by far.
Depression Quest: The game about depression for people who aren’t depressed
INTERNET — Recent controversy over several blogposts from the anonymous ex-boyfriend of author Zoë Quinn alleged that Quinn promoted her work, Depression Quest, by exchanging sexual favors with powerful “gaming journalists,” who then helped her promote her game. However, at least one of the allegations appear to have been dismissed as little more than veiled slut shaming in the virulent, twisted form given by a pathetic ex-boyfriend. A major complaint among the chauvinists piling on Quinn is that the game is barely even a game and no fun at all. In some yowling sex-deprived voice, they all say something like, “She must have been prostituting herself for that to be popular.” The veil for their attacks is their interest in protecting the sacred objectivity of gaming journalism, something which is not even at stake, as the reviews of her game fall in the realm of criticism or opinion.
Like many others fascinated by this absurd non-controversy, I fired up corporate-controlled Steam and downloaded a free copy of Depression Quest, hoping that by reviewing this video game I could restore my castrated manhood. Clocking in at 105 megabytes, I expected something more involved than the retro web 1.0 visuals that looked lazy juxtaposed with repeated appearances of the Netflix logo. An ominous epigraph from David Foster Wallace boded well, and the introduction played up the game’s potential descent into depression with trigger warnings and a link to a suicide hotline.
It might be wrong to classify Depression Quest as a game or even as an interactive fiction. In interactive fictions like MUDs or text-based dungeons, players respond to a textual world with text commands, participating, in a sense, as a writer of a story within the framework of an already-created world. Depression Quest, however, has a much more limited interface and is closer to a choose your own adventure paperback.
It takes about twenty minutes to read through Depression Quest, and the reader is given a few choices at the end of most frames. Each frame is a roughly page-length second person story about the painful banality of a depressive’s everyday life. While there are some evocative vignettes of the interiority of a depressive, most especially in family scenes, I found myself scanning over repetitive fragments of cliche or stereotypical thought patterns of any depressive. The protagonist is an empty container who cannot bring himself to work on a project that is never described, but constantly referred to.
The protagonist’s depression is charted by three textual scores at the bottom of each frame, one rating the depth of depression and the other two tracking cumulative visits to the therapist and use of medication (A combination of depression and medication, I assumed, was the only way to win). There seems to be no continuity at all between frames, which creates a disorienting effect that contributes to the unpleasantness and fragmentation of a depressive’s everyday life. However, at one point I found myself wondering if the cat the protagonist adopted had disappeared, only for it to appear a few frames later to console him. In the last syrupy-sweet frames, the protagonist whispers to his totally clueless girlfriend that he’s depressed and seeking help, and then he honestly tells his mother that he is feeling well.
I would have liked Depression Quest much better if it hadn’t come off as a doctor’s prescribed program for how to deal with depression, although there were a few times when calling in sick to work or vegging out on Netflix did relieve the depression score. At its best, Depression Quest does achieve the goal stated in its introduction by evoking the interiority of a depressive to foster understanding, but much of this is undone by the kind of stereotypical advice it takes to win. I found myself wondering if anyone could ever empathize with the game’s empty narrator and his unspeakable project when continually steering him away from depression with the kind of glib advice that is never advisable to foist onto a depressed person. I assume if I went back and truly inhabited the mindset of a depressed person, I would lose and the story would end with suicide, but then again perhaps I (or the writer?) approached the text wrongly by treating it as a ‘game’ that needs to be ‘won’.
It is little wonder that this minimally game-like text that purposefully inspires icky unpleasant feelings in its readers has received so much scorn from gamers, but I could not at all connect the story to the controversy over its author’s personal life, except that it has achieved some moderate popularity and chauvinists out there can only rationalize this with some kind of sexual conspiracy. As a first foray into writing forked path narrative, it’s not a bad effort and even interesting in concept, but I have no desire to go back and explore all its corners.
“The police will never target you once you get Islamic Nation Body Armor.” – A. Jones
FERGUSON –Thousands of internet users were drawn into a body armor fundraising drive for protesters in Ferguson, in what has been exposed as a covert astroturf campaign that may be directed by body armor salespeople. Alex Jones, who has recently doubled down on ads for body armor, claims that Ferguson is a “staged race war” that has been controlled by Black Panthers and Islamic Nationalist terrorist groups acting as patsies for globalists in yet more fake theatrics to increase the rate of the omnipresent clampdown on Liberty. Anonymous hackers promised to donate stolen bitcoins to the cause, pouring millions into the purchase of full body armor suits. It can be said as a fact that the plans for a full-on race war are finally going through and the plastic FEMA coffins are going to start filling up, and soon.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, weapons expert, laughed at the suggestion of body armor for protesters in Ferguson, saying, “Militarized police would be using high powered assault rifles at close range, making body armor little more than a preposterously unsubtle provocation. If the protesters want cost effective self defense they should follow the lead of other militarized civilians across the world and refuse to identify themselves as a possible combatant. IEDs and AK-47s are low cost, covert solutions for self defense against any modern armored infantry unit such as the Ferguson police department.”
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watched the beginning of time, and he also marched with protesters in Ferguson
FERGUSON — Neil DeGrasse Tyson bravely marched with protesters in Ferguson last night, inspiring millions of atheists on Reddit and drawing their secular, but moral, recognition of injustice taking place not only in Ferguson, but in black communities everywhere. Tyson’s cosmic and scientific point of view, revered and followed by millions of rational atheists everywhere, has generally only crossed into the territory of social consciousness or activism when touching on topics such as global warming or the proper classification of planets.
However, Tyson broke his silence on the militarized crackdown on the poverty-ridden community dominated by middle-class whites in Ferguson, saying, “The universe provides us with no natural moral system, but statistics and science shows that what’s happening in Ferguson is not only unfair, but truly evil. Whatever controversy there is about Mike Brown committing robbery is irrelevant. The autopsy shows Mike Brown was shot to death with his hands up, corroborating the eyewitness accounts. The statistics of wealth distribution, political power, and the nearly all-white police force convinced me to take to the streets last night.” Tyson lifted his shirt, showing several welts from rubber bullets, and added, “I am very skeptical of the call for a return to so-called ‘peace’ or ‘normalcy’ from religious leaders who joined me in the march. Are they just not aware of the science that shows the general unrest is a result of poverty and racism? Do they really want to go back to that, and call it peace? What the people need is more unrest until these problems are corrected!”
Ferguson is just another flashpoint for the global war on terror and Obama is not on America’s side. #Benghazi #FastAndFurious #Ferguson
MY OPINION ON FERGUSON — With incredibly small use of force, the Ferguson Police have averted a mass disruption of the local economy that would have affected not only Saint Louis, but all of America. Looting cannot be tolerated under the rule of law.
Now more than ever with the rise of a new Islamic Caliphate, global terrorism is knocking on the front door of fragile incipient puppet nations that buoy our slipping geopolitical grip on the throats of the people we’re really “oppressing” in Ferguson: Terrorists. These shootings are the type of thing instigated by Black Islamic Nationalists who plant false stories to turn people against the government, earning them just a little more wiggle room in their Jihad.
Now I’m not saying the rioters in Ferguson are terrorists, but the best police first protect themselves and always come more prepared than the enemies of the economy. Second comes the safety of the people, and then only in proper proportion to their contribution to the economy. That’s true fairness.
Obama and his patsy of a Missouri governor have deposed the local police force, marching in Federal and State police in violation of local rule of law. We know the Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our government, but now we know for a fact they’ve made it to the highest office. The spirit of the 2nd amendment is that the government must always outgun the people. Don’t let the shifty Liberals turn that around on us. Gun Control is their number one policy, and it starts with taking guns from POLICE. The Ferguson police are the equivalent of a local militia, and for Obama to deny the right for the militia to assemble is in direct contradiction to the 2nd amendment, which is the most important amendment of all. We MUST impeach Obama today before he dismantles our local homeland militias and takes our guns!
Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati, and vague cover-up stories of his “suicide” in the mainstream media have fooled the sheeple.
INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of Robin Williams, famed comedian who popularized rainbow suspenders in the 80’s with his spunky alien television character, Mork. However, newspapers around the world report this smiling and funny man committed suicide by asphyxiation without making any serious attempt at explaining how or why. In what appears to be yet another clear case of celebrity homicide by the Illuminati, such vague and general explanations by the media have been swallowed hook, line, and sinker by the gullible sleeping masses.
Robin Williams was beloved by billions, and his movies brought joy and compassion into the hearts of adults and children everywhere. It is rare that such a passionate man could make it very far in the movie industry without selling his soul to the devil and succumbing to Illuminati influence, and perhaps there was a building tension in his life between his compassionate side and the hateful necessity of Illuminati membership. Perhaps this tension tore Robin Williams apart and he did commit suicide, or more likely, perhaps he decided to leave the Illuminati once and for all and was quickly eliminated by an assassination squad that made his death look like a suicide.
In Robin Williams’ classic movie Hook, the grown Peter Pan returns to Never Never Land — Michael Jackson, being the greatest opponent of the Illuminati in our generation also used this imagery for his Illuminati refuge — where he again learned to fly, although it was supposed to be impossible for an adult. As it is said in the bible, only those with the heart of a child may enter the kingdom of heaven. Did Williams decode his own movie and try to learn to fly, to return to Never Never Land, where the Illuminati’s powers are reduced and regressed back to that of Captain Hook, from the early modern period? Almost surely, yes, but this time, he didn’t make it through to the end. Hook won, and Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati.
As chronicle.su strikes up lucrative new advertising deals, rumors suggest Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch is closing a deal of his own with Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Business analysts predict the transaction could transfer majority control of The Internet Chronicle to News Corp, Murdoch’s multi-national, benevolent corporation.
Longtime Chronicle editors Kilgoar Trout and Hatesec reportedly met with Murdoch on his yacht Monday morning off the coast of Tripoli. The editors are in Libya on an embed with the US Defense Department to document the extraordinary success of the 2011 NATO humanitarian bombing campaign.
After stepping off the yacht, Kilgoar and Hatesec apparently held an impromptu press conference for a bunch of fishermen and dock workers. Speaking in broken Arabic, Hatesec reportedly told the workers that they “would not be taking questions at this time” and to “call our lawyers, you fucking mutts.” The fishermen merely shrugged and sailed off into the Mediterranean.
Empires are vast. This move fits in with Murdoch’s recent consolidation of influential media outlets across the political spectrum. After acquiring VICE, Murdoch set his sights towards other alternative news outlets, in search of the next big thing to contaminate.
An aide to Murdoch, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he came across the Chronicle one night while searching for kiddie porn on the Deep Web. After perusing its contents, his hard-on became stiff as a cricket bat, especially after reading Kilgoar’s Pulitzer Prize winning report on Mel Gibson’s joining Rage Against the Machine.
“Rupert likes honest reporting. He is committed to integrity and truth telling in the newsroom,” the aide said. “So naturally he wants to acquire the Chronicle.”
While Murdoch’s influence is often subtle and benign on his media outlets, it is possible that he will censor the editorial duo at the Chronicle, both of whom are hardline Democrats.
Dr. Angstrum H. Trubidur, a professor of media studies on sabbatical in Benghazi, said of the move, “Hell, them boys Kilgoar and Hatesec? Yeah they don’t know who they’re dealing with. What, they think they are still gonna be able to print hard news? Le’me tell ye, they’ll be going the VICE route before long: glittery, vapid, meaningless reporting while the truth is left on the cutting room floor.”
In a company-wide e-mail sent by Kilgoar right before publication, he assured the staff that their wages and benefits would not be affected if any merger were to happen. Reporters at the Chronicle were relieved as, unlike VICE, the Chronicle is known for paying livable wages to its staff and showering benefits upon even the most meager of its contributors.
When asked to comment on the proposed merger, Hatesec replied via e-mail, “Go fuck yourself.”