ObamaSec hackers take credit for attack on North Korea

Visualization of ObamaSec's cyberwar attack on North Korea

Visualization of ObamaSec’s cyberwar on North Korea

INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.

In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.

ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”


Intellectual man accuses Anonymous of sexism

This young woman's gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.

This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.

INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.

“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.


Kim Jong Un Purchases Ford

fordDearborn, MI — In a Post-Sony-9/11 world, sometimes Great Leaders have to take drastic measures in order to save our freedom. The once glorious and proud industrial nation of Detroit, home to Ford Motor Company, is nothing more than a large “Urban Garden” and collection of “Urban Decay” Flickr photo albums. Until now.

In what some are saying is simply an “effort to save face,” Kim Jong Un has purchased Ford Motor Company to hopefully bolster the United States’ torn and frayed economy. Considering the United States already owes China trillions of rubles in back taxes, Un was happy to pony up the funds necessary to keep Detroit afloat. Are there big collaborative plans for a prosperous partnership on the horizon or is this all just a smoke screen, a mind-trap for the upcoming memetic Cyber War?

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a finance minor at Ball State and the Internet Chronicle’s Own Boy, believes Un was simply exercising his financial strength as a show of force. “Kim Jong Un is just buying low and selling high, baby,” Troubador says, referring to the timeless Wall Street idiom. He added, “it’s the American way, and I support that.”

President Obama was too preoccupied with hysterical vine clips to comment.

Kim Jong Un Denies Involvement With Sony Hack; Working on Game Genie Master Code

NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader video-games-e1396295303178Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.

In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”

Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.

Tor weapons manufacturers posing as activists under fire

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn't so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn’t so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

INTERNET — Activism for a free and democratic internet took a grim detour this week as developers of the anonymizing Tor network defended their military funding amid a conflagration of hateful doxing, harassment, and namecalling. These abuse tactics were deployed by the most cold and efficient bloggers on both sides, and the TorProject signed a document declaring itself the new harassment authority and promised not to tolerate it for another second. GreenPeace activists placed a banner over the Nazca lines, calling on help from aliens because they have lost all hope in humanity’s essential goodness.

Shrouded in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, Tor weapons manufacturers are regularly paid six figure incomes directly from the US military, earning princely sums for training US-backed revolutionary movements in the use of Tor. The developers also teach governments friendly to the US to deanonymize Tor so that they can more easily maintain their power. Then, with the first morning light,  Tor weapons manufacturers don the rebellious mask of Anonymous and pretend to wage war against the evil US military industrial intelligence complex, perhaps to further draw targets into their manifold traps. YourAnonNews, a Twitter account operated by several of the pseudo-activist weapons engineers at Tor, as well as propaganda agents planted by Rupert Murdoch, has issued threats and called for mob violence against vocal critics of Tor at Pando Daily.

Deeply entrenched in the whitest of white privilege and proud of it, Quinn Norton writes that the Tor weapons manufacturers are more akin to mathematically determined robots and therefore entirely outside the realm of ethical concern — but those who are concerned at least should be more polite so that the big fuss can be put to rest as a simple error in addition. Quinn asserts the only true issue at hand is a startling lack of politeness. Tor developer and confirmed contributor to YourAnonNews, Puella Vulnerata (latin for injured girl), doxed several of Tor’s critics in a frothing rage and is now being targeted by so-called GamerGators, a lizard-like male supremacy movement that preys on any weakness in women with gang e-assaults. While the TorProject has not acknowledged their secret and controversial pseudo-activist weapons manufacturing program for the US military, they have calmly transcended the impolite controversy and now boldly stand united with feminists in opposition to GamerGators.

“Metal Gear” Propaganda Tool Deployed on Americans

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America's possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda "atom bomb" known as Metal Gear

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear

CYBERSPACE — Tens of thousands of protesters across America taking part in the Black Lives Matter movement were declared a threat to homeland security and emergency propaganda tools previously deemed suitable only for foreign combat zones have been deployed on Americans by the US Navy, affecting social networks everywhere. Metal Gear is a sophisticated apparatus controlling tens of millions of fake social media profiles and manned by Aaron Barr, perpetual enemy of Anonymous and powerful neoliberal hacker. Anonymous discovered Metal Gear after Barrett Brown phoned Barr’s email provider and asked for permission to access his top-secret cyberweapons.

Aaron Barr personally triggered off viral awareness of Bill Cosby’s well-known history of rape, injecting a suppressed and terrible story about white America’s most beloved black figure into mass consciousness at a pivotal moment that would define white hatred for the Black Lives Matter movement. Weapons of Mass Manipulation (WMM) were thought to only be in the hands of professional armies, but thanks to the investigation of Brown, we now know they are not only being deployed to harm civil rights activists, but also to push products for Apple and Carl’s Junior.

Brown is also facing time for angrily threatening to “look into” the life of an FBI agent’s children in a youtube video, which media theorists speculate could have been triggered by advanced manipulations of the output of Brown’s personal computer in an effectively automated gaslighting process intended to drive him insane. Despite this, Brown plead guilty to the threats.

Behind Anonymous mask, Vice calls for a boycott of Vice

Today a Vice owned and operated "Anonymous" brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice

A Vice owned and operated “Anonymous” brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice

PERVERSITY — Saturday afternoon YourAnonNews, one of the most popular Anonymous-themed twitter accounts, shared advice on how to boycott Vice after Sabu, the infamous traitor and former leader of Anonymous, was seen partying at Vice’s 20th anniversary party. It is well known that YourAnonNews is in fact owned and operated by Vice, a company that exploits its workers and is partially owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Young journalists across the world aspire to write for the hip and trendy media company, but the powers behind the scenes at Vice are rarely seen or criticized. A strange pretzel has twisted in on itself in an elegant fashion: While Vice parties in lavish style with Sabu, the turncoat responsible for arresting the nexus of hackers that animated much of the early growth of Anonymous, it also calls for its own boycott.

Gorbachev calls for New World Order

Gorbachev announces "New Cold War," rallies Soviets to seek New World Order that isn't totally dominated by American power.

Gorbachev announces “New Cold War,” rallies Soviets to seek New World Order that isn’t totally dominated by American power.

MOSCOW — In a speech blaming American triumphalism for the New Cold War, former Soviet Prime Minister Mikhail Gorbachev told reporters, “There will be people who have the courage to stop [the New Cold War] and start building a New World Order that would answer the challenges that the world community is facing.” Gorbachev added, “There is no need for massive nuclear wars or other population extermination schemes in the Soviet model, but that seems to be the chosen course for the construction of a New World Order by the United States.”

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Marxists are murderers and liars, and it’s so much the worse that they’ve taken over the US government, from the very top to the bottom. They’re murderous elitists who all have a common vision of a global empire. So, for Gorbachev to come out and blame American triumphalism, well brother, that’s what we need to save our asses from the globalists right now. That and a thick lung full of Colloidal Silver to protect us from the ever present slow-extermination chemicals already being sprayed on us every day.”

Honey Boo Boo Family falls sick from Ebola Oil

Little Honey Boo Boo has had a very bad year full of poisonous Ebola snake oil and probably molestation.

Little Honey Boo Boo has had a very bad year full of poisonous Ebola snake oil and probably molestation.

BREAKING — Tuesday night several members of the Honey Boo Boo family were brought to the hospital for treatment after ingesting excessive quantities of Ebola Oil, a product endorsed by Honey Boo Boo star ‘Chickadee’ which advertises itself as a cure-all effective against Ebola. Alana Thompson, known affectionately to fans as Honey Boo Boo, said, “Well, mama was convinced we all had Ebola and Papa Bear said we had the flu. Chickadee brought out the oil and mama and them drank every last drop. Now they’re sick, in the hospital.”

There is no word yet on the condition or identities of the hospitalized members of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Honey Boo Boo’s show was recently cancelled after Mama June broke up with Papa Bear to be with McDaniels, a registered molester who once molested her children, and Honey Boo Boo claims that Mama June spent all her money on McDaniels, all but $17.50. Last month, Uncle Poodle went on Dr. Phil, where he claimed to have witnessed McDaniels, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo in bed together.

Kim Jong Un reveals he is a hacker with Anonymous

Kim Jong Un says, "We Are Anonymous. Expect Us."

Kim Jong Un says, “We Are Anonymous. Expect Us.”

INTERNET — Shocking the world with hist first-ever fluent American English press conference, Kim Jong Un told reporters, smiling, that he was personally responsible for orchestrating the latest devastating and genius cyberattack on Sony. Smiling and winking with strained charm, Kim Jong Un related his long training in cyberwarfare and computerized psyops, “My father and grandfather were never as passionate about computers as I was, but we have all been equally passionate about Juche ideology! I studied under an American tutor for decades and learned how to hack everything. They always said I was wasting my time, but then the times changed. Then I was the only member of LulzSec to get away, a founding member of the Anonymous collective and directly waging war with America in cyberspace, a high ground that could even trump nuclear weapons. The Internet is the most powerful weapon ever. I’ve worked with Deric Lostutter, Commander X, Barrett Brown, and even Topiary. I never liked Sabu or the direction he was taking Anonymous. Sup Biella.”

After the death of Kim Jong-Il in December of 2011, it was not known who would succeed to the position of Supreme Leader of North Korea. However, Kim Jong Un’s incredible ability to download torrents won him incredible favor, not only with his father, but also with his inner circle of elite generals. Chuckling, Kim Jong Un bragged about a few of his big hacks, saying, “The first time my dad saw that my hacking was worth anything was when I doxxed Lisa Ling’s plans to visit North Korea. The lulz we had when Bill Clinton stepped off of that plane were incredible.” All of the sudden turning serious, Kim closed his fist slowly and growled, “Expect us.”