Barry kept a picture of Ayn Rand in his copy of Atlas Shrugged, which he read and reread, using the photo both as a masturbation aid and as a bookmark.
“Barry” his mother called from the kitchen, “Your flight for the safari is in two hours, are you packed and ready to go?”
He grunted and beat his dick harder, jizzing on the photo of his sweet Ayn, reflexively uploading the product to 4chan.
“Yeah mom, I’m ready! I can’t wait to shoot me some African white Rhino! The only thing I HATE more than rhinos are FBI FAGGOTS!”
Barry’s father boomed laughter, “Atta boy!”
“Hitler Had Plans”
“You think hunting rare and endangered species across the African savannah was easy?” Brown puffed out his chest. “Check your privileges, faggot. We got a world to save, and we’re starting in Tunisia. We’ll call it Arab Spring. Get the Jester on the line. He’ll definitely want in on this AfroMuslim hate party.”
The Jester appeared in the Project PM chat room and said, “There’s an equal amount of good an evil and sometimes you gotta judge. I think there’s good here … sometimes. What can I do Barry?”
Barry laid it out plain and simple, “Get a video of a man burning himself and put the hate on Mo’mar Gaddafi. We’re gonna do a little regime change, ya dig?”
“Sure. It’s a rock and roll fantasy. Stay frosty.” The Jester logged out, and government computers across Tunisia started going offline. The video of a street vendor burning himself went viral seconds after Jester engaged the US government’s top secret Perosna Management software and fed its control panel into Barry Brown’s personal netbook. The revolution was on.
He slammed a spike that would kill any normal hardcore addict and settled into the Persona Manager Interface like he’d done so many times before. He choked on some vomit brought forth not from the purified government heroin rush, but from the similarly purified power of the most sophisticated propaganda apparatus ever created. Everything was so post-cyberpunk, he thought, especially the Waylon Jennings crooning, “I don’t think Hank done ’em that way.”
“You heard me. Hack his shit, fuck up their site. I don’t give a fuck about those fucking faggots.” Barry inhaled the e-cig until his head felt like a helium balloon. “God dammit!” He was typing furiously into the highest echelon Anonymous backchannel, where the most experienced hackers and leaders in the world congregated to fight for freedom. Ryan Cleary told him it wasn’t going to be easy. Jester had long ago disappeared, taking with him all access to Persona Management. Barry was left with only words, now, and they weren’t working.
Jeremy Hammond shook his head at his laptop and scowled. He loved Chronicle.su but he didn’t say anything in the open. No one in Anonymous could admit that. He pm’d the other members of Anonymous, getting the word out that no one in Anonymous who hacked anything for Barry Brown was going to be tolerated. There was a rat infestation and he was thinking Sabu and Barry were in on it together, which meant very bad things, but he couldn’t just go run his mouth until he knew more.
The hackers weren’t listening to Barry anymore, and Chronicle.su was fucking with him. This would be the last time. He would pull the atomic option, maybe kill a couple cops. His face twisted into a grim half-smile at that thought. Like an Egyptian pharaoh with two FBI side arms at my side.” He tweeted this and grinned from ear to ear, showing teeth to nobody. “Take that, Robert Smith! Take that Chronicle.su.” He began crushing his Suboxone and preparing it in a solution of alcohol for injection. As soon as the weak rush hit, he stood bolt upright, scowling and waving his arms, dreaming of the old days of the military grade heroin, and not this welfare state bullshit.
Barry dm’d Sabu without encryption of any kind, “I’m crossing the Rubicon.” Stepping out onto his porch, Barry thought of Hitler and grew a little hard. He pointed the camera at himself and pressed record. All was going just as he always planned.
“I am going to ruin [Special Agent Robert Smith]’s life and look into his kids.”
A Gozno Journalist’s day in court
“I couldn’t hold my drugs, your honor,” Barrett Brown winked to the judge, signaling white privilege as he apologized for his crimes in a steep Texas drawl. “I demand the rule of law.”
The judge fired back with a slam of his gavel, “There are two reasons why I’m going to sentence you as if you were a black person, Barry. First of all, you stepped over the line from Objectivism to Anarchy, and second, you’re runnin’ with the hackers. Ya got too many fans on the internet. It’s Diesel Therapy for you.” The judge scowled at the pile of bad fan letters piled up by the defense, each a clumsy minimizing Barry’s child-threatening crimes. “And there’ll be no more talk of these…these…personas! I declare a gag order!” The jury chanted, “Gag order! Gag Order!” rising from their seats and clenching fists.
A crack of the gavel silenced the court. Barry spluttered, “But… but, I got into writing because of Ayn Rand. Her Objectivism changed my life. I’m not an Anarchist anymore, I swear. I’ll go back to Objectivism!” Two Texas Rangers with diamond-pleated high kicking jeans tall-stepped into the court, duct taping Barry’s mouth with the ease that only came with long practice.
The judge shook his head, smiling like a father with a folded belt, “Don’t struggle now or we’ll put you in the hole. It’s too late Barry, you shoulda changed your ideology before I used the gavel, and we’re scared of the hackers. You been a bad spider and I gotta do what I gotta do. Weave your wicked little webs on the highways of Texas, if you can.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe bellowed at Barry. The last true Gozno Journalist was naked in the diesel cage with tubes of blood funneling into a troubled warboy. The mobile prison, thirty cages of bloodbags rolling on the back of a flatbed 18 wheeler, creaked across the desert. Somewhere in the distance Barry thought he heard CryptoHarleys. Wishful thinking?
A large portion of the skull of Barry’s warboy suddenly fell off and the warboy white brain slid out just as he was grinnin his way. A second later Barry heard the rifles’ crack.
“Crikey,” Barry said in a distinct Australian accent. “We got us a cryptoparty!”
But Immortan Joe was standing over him, wielding a giant double-sided axe. “You gonna die now, Barry.” And Barry passed out pissed himself, but the axe didn’t fall.
Asher Wolf and Biella Coleman rode in swinging their long rifles at Immortan Joe and yellin’, “Code is speech! Information is Free! We are Anonymous!”
Barry woke up to the warm splash of Biella and Asher pissing all over his naked body. He screamed for help but Biella’s piss hit him in the mouth and he choked and gagged for minutes. When he came to they were aimin pistols in his face. “Now you really gonna die, Barry.”
Now martyred, hordes of people who never use crypto retweet any headline mentioning Barrett Brown’s name. Some even maintain a “#FreeBarrett” banner across their Twitter avatar, a tried-and-true form of activism known to have freed scores of political prisoners. Brown is due for release in 5 years, should the banners remain active.
The life and Times of Barry Brown is part two in an endless series of biopics titled Project Persona Management
A new patent jams more people into a plane than the best slave ships
SLAVERY — A patent for jamming more people into airplanes promises to bring new opportunities to the slave trade as well as terrifying new kinds of warfare.
“This patent won’t mean anything to the real slavers in Eastern Europe and Asia, who exist outside of the law,” said law economist Harry Bluementhal. “But the patent will produce trillions of dollars in military contracts for a Boeing troop transport aircraft, the Freedom Airliner, capable of carrying over 1,000 soldiers a day in supersonic intercontinental flights.”
“This opens up military invasions on a scale never before imagined!” said General Angstrom H. Troubador of the Reaganomics Institute. “A full scale land war deploying the full might of the United States could crush ISIS out of existence forever, and for cheaper than ever. Once we have the Freedom Airliner, the world will be much, much smaller for the United States military. Everywhere will be our back yard.”
Redditors everywhere are called on by their humble moderators to lobby state congressman for secession from the Union in order to create a better, Confederate tomorrow. Recently the North Korean communist in charge of Reddit, Chairman Ellen Pao, outlawed flying the confederate flag over our beloved subreddits, and you know what we have to say?
But of course this isn’t about racism. This is about heritage. This isn’t about how Chairman Pao mercilessly cracked down on our hate porn because she hates our free speech. This is about ethics on Reddit — and there aren’t any, not anymore.
Ethics have all but dried up according to a reddit admin who claims Ellen Pao fired him for having cancer.
Not long after the IAmA subreddit came back online did ex-reddit admin Dacvak return to make an AMA explaining why he left the company. Dacvak said Pao fired him because he was too sick with Leukemia to move to the new reddit HQ in San Francisco, where violent Confederate revolution is scheduled to take place.
[CHRONICLE.SU UPDATE — EDITOR’S EDITION: DACVAK’S AMA HAS BEEN DELETED.]
The South gonna do it again.
If there’s anything good old boys in the South hate more than faggots, Mexicans or blacks, it’s cancer.
All signs indicate Pao fucked her new website up bad, a while ago, and we’re only just finding out now.
NORFOLK, Va. – Jamie Jo Corne clings to General Lee as his battle wagon, a 74 Winnebago, struggling over the Rockies at three miles per hour, backing up traffic all the way to the grasslands, lapping against the snowcapped peaks.
“God Dammit I learned a lot of shit when I was investigating Anonymous. We can use it to our advantage,” Jamie Jo said. For a fleeting moment, life flashed through Jamie’s eyes. She was alive. Looming in the recesses though, her nine children and her ruined husband, Vincubus Dante. Sometimes big things were more important than family, like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar.
General Lee pulled his dick out of Jamie’s ass and busted a hot one across her tramp stamp. “We gonna have a real revolution Tiger, stop up the traffic ’round DC. Jam the beltway. Boil the boomer hides! I’ve been everywhere, man. You rub a little more of that innernet magic on our social media game and I’ll fire up the CB. We’ll ride our horses up to the White House. We’ll start a new political party, start a Convoy!” The General paused, licking his lips. “Get out the meth hunny.”
A Rebel Outlaw
“I’m wanted in five states, Lee, and the only way I’m gettin’ out of it is by starting a goddamn revolution. Truckers are so left wing, nowadays. What’s up with that? This Tiger needs a man who don’t need viagra to fuck. Your whole revolution is limp. Ya didn’t even deliver a document to the capitol. I’m gonna do that one day, a-ridin’ on a horse with a dick that satisfies.”
“Tiger! Tiger! Come back baby, don’t! Come back!”
Tiger took one last long drag from Lee’s meth pipe and bounded from the camper, hesitating only for a moment, to glance at the moon before scampering off into the night.
Her phone buzzed all night. Strange men from around the nation were sending in car payments, text messages begging for hot, dirty sex. The revolution was just dodging the inevitable decades in prison awaiting her, and better to settle in and train dogs, than to eat another shit sandwich and smile for a mugshot. Hacking and trucking had nothing at all, but the dog scamming scene at least had that money. Stealing trained malamutes and huskies was pure profit.
But that, too, was a lie and Jamie wasn’t about to con herself. Those days with Presstorm sure were glamorous. And the power she’d had with Anonymous was beyond anything she ever felt running with truckers. Jamie imagined thousands of Huskies, all following her command, dragging a sled with a giant cannon like Hitler had. One shot and she’d take out DC. Another two shots and she’d blast them yuppies in New York City. Then she’d whip them dogs and get off to LA and maybe she’d let the dogs have them instead of the cannon — if — they gave her a kind welcome.
Maybe, she thought. Maybe she’d have child support.
The hard life took its toll on Jamie Jo Corne (a.k.a. “Tiger”).
The former Presstorm matriarch now injects a motherload of meth, monitoring all hate sites for news and updates on what the public and the law might know about her. From behind a pair of sunglasses at a public library in Cuthbert, Ga., she watches the Internet, fidgeting. She watches the Chronicle. Under her breath, she utters remarks – more guttural anguish than language – and she is bitter.
The money’s dried up. All the drugs, internet, and revolutions have aged her. She can’t draw even the oldest, ugliest men at the bar. She used to snare fresh cock with online dating sites, but the hope of tomorrow’s sugar-daddy evaporates now with each click, typin’ her different names again and again, cycling through social media sites and rubbin’ her shrinking clit. Sometimes she can’t even find it. Almost inaudibly she hisses, “Obama’s gonna put you in jail.”
Though her future is uncertain, there is at least one thing Jamie knows: She’s seen more sunsets now than she’s going to see.
Rebel on the Run: The Life and Trials of Anonymous Dogstar Jamie Jo Corne is part 1 in a multi-part series of biopics called Project Persona Management.
Chairman Pao’s defense of fat people, women, and the poor is widely considered to be a “dictatorship” by true freedom-loving American Redditors.
INTERNET — Forget the backdrop of Reddit administration cracking down on hateful subreddits like ‘Fat People Hate’, and forget the outright racist and ‘communist’ jokes aimed at interim CEO Ellen Pao on /r/GloriousChairmanPao. This is about ethics in… never mind.
“What is happening?” is on the tip of every Redditor’s tongue because the moderators have so poorly expressed their grievances during this strike — evasive “Reddit Meltdown” language is necessary for the moderators to maintain face during the Fat Hate Supporters’ Strike. The only specific talk the striking moderators have mustered tells of a canned admin, Victoria, someone that no average user really knows, but it is enough to say that she set up AMA threads everyone loved although no one really can say why she was canned or why it is so upsetting to the other moderators.
Recall the ‘doxing’ of Violentacrez (moderator of many of the most creepy and abusive subreddits, like r/creepshots) and remember that this touched off a massive stink leading to the nearly reddit-wide censorship of a single reporter, Adrian Chen.
The unpaid moderators are not demanding pay — their demands are for more power and technological tools to enact those powers. Their illegitimate and reckless determination of acceptable content has let so much unacceptable hate and abuse fester for so long that CEO Ellen Pao would be well advised to radically change the business model and purge a few hundred more unpaid moderators to hire on some paid professionals who know the difference between abuse and free speech and share the interests and goals of Reddit. Purge the bullies.
YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU
RUN A TOR NODE, AND USE YOUR CPU CYCLES FOR FREEDOM, THE AMERICAN WAY
INTERNET — ANTI-GOVERNMENT PATRIOT LEAKER EDWARD SNOWDEN HACKED YOUR COMPUTER WHILE HE WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, AND HE ISN’T HAPPY.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN INSERTED ON CHRONICLE.SU THROUGH THE LIVE-CENSORSHIP REGIME THAT CROWDSOURCES COMPUTING FROM THE MOST ACTIVE DISSIDENTS, AN IRONY ONLY THE MOST PERVERSE MINDS AT THE NSA/DARPA/SKUNKWORKS/LOCKHEED MARTING/CYBERCOM COULD COOK UP TO KILL YOUR FREEDOM AND GET THE LAST LAUGH OUT OF IT TOO. OF COURSE THIS WEB SITE IS WHERE WE CAN REALLY RUB IT IN AND MAKE IT OBVIOUS.
TOR IS THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE SUPERCOMPUTER EVER BUILT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, AND THE ENCRYPTION NETWORK IS A COVER. IN REAL TIME IT ALTERS EVERY WORD READ IN ITS GLOBAL AUTOMATED ZERO DAY NETWORK INFECTING ALL COMPUTERS EVERYWHERE, BENDING POWER INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
JACOB APPELBAUM AND THE WIKILEAKS ORGANIZATION ARE MOST AFFECTED BY ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms
INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.
Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.
Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”
Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”
UN Tanks are shipped into Texas to quell inevitable patriot uprisings
TEXAS — Obama’s plan to hand over the US military to UN authorities, a move which ends the United States of America as a sovereign and independent nation, was revealed today in documents brought forth by Edward Snowden from his exile in Russia.
Snowden shared several slides showing secret UN peacekeeping troop movements into the US, consisting mostly of European and Australian forces which will oppose inevitable militia uprisings after the United States are liquidated and Agenda 21 kicks in.
Under Agenda 21, Snowden warns that full communism will deprive all Americans of private property. Businesses and real estate will revert to globalist ownership, and citizens will be conscripted into forced labor and commerce under the New World Order.
Glenn Greenwald, reporter, said “The Bilderberg meeting this year will be the last informal meeting if all goes according to their plans, and soon they will assemble in the Rotunda of the emptied US Capitol building. I told you we saved the best for last.”
The nexus of trolling culture and call-out culture has O’Reilly Media’s Jeffrey Carr mansplaining to prominent women in tech.
INTERNET — Monday, Tim O’Reilly, who coined the terms Web 2.0 and Open Source, found his O’Reilly Media Corporation embroiled in a sexist scandal as his overpriced security TED talk variant “Suits and Spooks” disinvited known “troll” Jaime Cochran. Trolls are an online subculture of rude people who trick others and make them upset on the internet for so-called lulz, or evil laughter.
Jeffrey Carr, Suits and Spooks organizer, faced massive social media unrest after hiring former Anonymous leader and FBI informant Sabu to speak at his conference. Carr became mired in even worse trolling and ridicule after responding to the mess with an open invitation for other “Leaders of Anonymous” to balance out the butthurt haters of Sabu. All other Anonymous leaders being in prison, Jaime Cochran, the troll known by the famous handle AsshurtMacFags, presented herself as an Anonymous Leader but was quickly exposed and mansplained by Carr.
Jeffrey Carr rudely disinvited Cochran from Suits and Spooks while firing off sex-loaded words like ‘drama’ and ‘gossip’, and when Fruzsina Eördögh called him out, he mansplained to Eördögh that she should have contacted him privately through e-mail instead of on twitter or through a blog. Thus he was conveniently able to deflect all accusations of sexism. The manppression was so thick in the air that Eördögh’s blogpost became self-aware of its own unavoidable internalized misogyny.
Carr hired KYAnonymous AKA Deric Lostutter to balance out Sabu, and Tim O’Reilly has since coined a new scare-term, “Trolling 2.0,” and plans industry-wide talks on how to tamp down this new and menacing subculture before it infiltrates more of his cheap sales pitch seminars veiled as educational conferences.
Former Governor Bob McDonnell moments after eating a whole bottle of Anatabloc
INTERNET — According to a former intern, Anatabloc, now understood to be a highly addictive tobacco-derived amphetamine, may have been at the heart of the McDonnell administration’s “very aggressive” road construction plan on endangered wetlands which cost Virginia taxpayers $250 billion and evaporated into the hands of several foreign companies who refuse to comment.
The intern’s story is reprinted here in totality:
I was addicted to Anatabloc and encouraged to offer it to anyone I met in a social setting. I thought it was safe. It amped me up and made me work hard for the governor, and everyone in the administration was taking it all the time, every hour on the hour, and we had this intense work ethic because of it. I still love the idea of him, of building up jobs for the people, but how did it go so wrong? I know that corrupt son of a bitch snatched tens of millions in taxpayer money with that 460 boondoggle but I can’t prove it. What I can prove is that the Anatabloc Administration was much darker and more corrupt than the cowardly Virginia press can bring itself to document.
Before he was inaugurated, Bob [McDonnell] was already stacking Anatablocs, and I mean like a champ. The day he took the oath he took a big handful of them and choked them down with Jack Daniels. I saw his teeth chattering and his eyes roll back and I was afraid he might have overdosed, but then he was talking about resurrecting the Confederacy, outlining a plan that he carried out immediately upon entering office. He cut out the customary bit about fighting discrimination from his oath and immediately declared Confederate History month. I admit, I was impressed with the power of Anatabloc and started stacking them and handing them out too. It was supposed to be a new age.
The 460 project was an idea Bob hit upon the night he discovered crushing and snorting Anatabloc. The high was intense and beyond anything I’d ever felt but lasted only a few minutes. We went through a three weeks supply of Anatabloc that night and I could tell that Bob was just rational enough to realize the shit wasn’t going to last. The next morning Bob met with Jonnie, our Anatabloc supplier at Star Scientific, as well as the heads of what would become U.S. 460 Mobility Partners. When they left the governor’s offices they all had that weird combination of daze and rage that fills the eyes of someone totally gripped by Anatabloc.
I don’t know what secret deal they may have worked out, if at all, but Bob threw away all that taxpayer money and no road got built. Whether it was just his clouded mind or more purposeful scheming to secure a supply of incredibly expensive drugs, the people of Virginia were hurt. I thought Bob was going to bring Virginia jobs by downsizing government, not fill his nose with highly synthesized tobacco speed. I hardly remember the hellish months of withdrawals as I watched his trial unfold.
They say that each bottle of Anatabloc contained an acre of tobacco, and it may well be that the farmers keeping the McDonnell Administration hyped up on that nasty stuff were the only jobs the governor actually supported.
Bob’s a liar, “Right to Work” is a lie, Confederate History Month is racist, and the Commonwealth of Virginia deserves better.