One local farmer says ‘Society ain’t no good anymore’

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took a final look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.

“It just ain’t worth havin’,” says a farmer.

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took one last look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.
In 1998, Jessie Dank took one last look at society, before he stopped giving a fuck.

An area farmer is under fire after suggesting society serves “really no purpose” and – in his words – is “just there to fuck with my shit.”

The church struck back Saturday as Newport area Reverend Reggie Pollops announced Operation Black Sabbath, a plan to end nihilistic farmers.

“I cultivate more than just sweet onions,” farmer Jessie Dank told Internet Chronicle in response to the backlash. “I cultivate wheat, livestock and livery, but I don’t cultivate no damn society. At my house, it’s my rules, and there ain’t any rules. It is pure anarchy, and it is mine– wait, that is actually how I make my onions. But no, I also don’t like rules.”

Since then, Jessie became addicted to Vicodin, but it was entirely his fault.

Pollops said Jessie’s inability to subscribe to our values and go along with the group makes him a danger not only to himself and his onions, but to society as a whole.

“Jessie’s a-layin’ up there in that trailer on drugs and bathtub gin,” Pollop said. “He’s a danger to everything we hold dear. Especially to the deer, which we hunt strictly for survival.”

Jessie Dank responded via Twitter to millions of followers.

letm do what he wants. aint none of this shits worth havin neway. ok just delete it. i dont give a fuck – @DankFarmer

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Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Kellyanne Conway describes Trump’s “Pussy Grabbing Mania” in CNN transcripts hacked by WikiLeaks

Kellyanne Conway says Trump grabs “at least a hundred” pussies every day in a White House that is “more like a horror movie”

Wikileaks unveiled a hacked transcript of Kellyanne Conway’s secretive interview with CNN portraying President Trump rampaging through the white house in what she called “pussy grabbing cocaine mania.” Conway’s bombshell interview with Wolf Blitzer is set to air next week.

The alleged interview transcripts show a Conway who was sexually terrorized by the president, “He came up to me, scowled, and grabbed my pussy after my botched interview the other day. ‘This here’s the only reason you’re not fired.’ His exact words. ‘Anything you say, I can say it’s fake and no one will ever believe you.'”

White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway’s interview with CNN comes after the outlet was called “fake news” by President Trump. However, even most skeptical republicans see Wikileaks as a reputable source. Internet Chronicle has not been able to corroborate any facts with secret service or white house personnel, and Conway has made no public statements about the alleged groping.

“He grabs at least a hundred pussies a day. Every chance he gets and yes, especially his own daughter and wife. Just the other day I told the President that I can’t explain to the press why he won’t lock Hillary up. Then I made a mistake in sharing my opinion that the American people had mandated it, and that he wasn’t draining the swamp. I mean, how do I lie about all these things at once? It’s hard and I was about to cry. Then he took this big line of coke right off of the oval office desk and grabbed me in the pussy, bruising it badly. He shouted ‘THIS is what the American People mandated!’ so loud that the Secret Service rushed into the room with guns out. They grabbed me and locked me in the bathroom for three hours until the president’s rampage came to an end.”

Julian Assange of Wikileaks appeared on the Sean Hannity radio show and spoke with the deliberate, natural voice of General Tarkin in Rogue One, “We’ve never published anything wrong in our whole career. I think the people of the world want to know the truth. Does that mean what Kellyanne Conway says is totally true? I don’t believe so.”

Assange is currently in the process of handing himself over to US authorities, although an increasing number of skeptics believe he has been covertly murdered and replaced by an artificial simulacrum controlled by CIA propagandists. A majority of poll respondents told Internet Chronicle that Assange’s sudden change in behavior is “totally fishy.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador logged onto CNN and posted a comment out of his ass that said, “Assange is enticed by the new pussy grabbing opportunities available in Trump’s dank white house,” and the pyschiatric committees of America all agreed this is some sick fuckin shit.

Senator Al Franken has called a motion for immediate impeachment of President Trump, but Republicans want to delay until the interview airs on CNN. Arnold Swarzenegger, whose recent beef with President Trump has dominated headlines, celebrated this decision, tweeting, “One more week and I’ll be Back.” Trump responded with a misspelled tweet that read “Your Fired.” Dr. Troubador, whose twitter password was lost long ago in a stoned daze, didn’t tweet anything at all.

Trump administration moves forward with plans for ‘Nuclear 9/11’ inside job

The Trump Administration is planning a ‘nuclear 9/11’

INTERNET — The Trump White House, already struggling under multiple scandals and unprecedented low approval ratings, is desperate for any distraction. Most of the new administration, including Trump himself, are believers that 9/11 was an inside job, and have begun discussions on how to repeat this Bush-era success on an even larger scale. Leakers tell Internet Chronicle that discussions have focused on whether to use a “dirty bomb” or “two or three megatons” on Trump’s least favorite city, Chicago. Trump has even brought in expert truther, Alex Jones, to plan the specifics of the attack for maximum psychological impact.

“It’s a tall order to top 9/11,” Jones reportedly said, “And I don’t think a dirty bomb is going to do it. It’s got to be full-on nuclear or forget about it.”

Military advisers are struggling to appease Trump but believe there’s no way to pull off a nuclear false flag. General Petraeus told Trump, “Our weapons leave unmistakable traces, and any nuclear scientist can detect where the material was mined and produced by simple tests of the fallout.”

Jones roared at the generals, “We KNOW about the thermite, we KNOW about the missile at the pentagon. We CONTROL the news.”

General Petraeus suggested, “We have a disarmament program and exchange nuclear materials with Russia. This would be the easiest way to make it look as if terrorists are behind the nuking.”

This suggestion enraged Trump who stood up and began to strategize, “If we can land Seal Team Six and grab Obama– I mean Osama–out of Pakistan, can’t we just go in there and grab a bonafide Islamic nuke? I get no respect, no respect.” The group of generals began to laugh at this witty one liner, delivered in Trump’s typical bombastic, outrageous frat boy stand up style. However, the mirth turned to stunned silence as Trump turned on his evil grin and sat quietly in his chair, pointing at each of the generals and delivering his most famous catchphrase. “You’re fired, and you’re fired, and you’re fired,” purging the military of its most competent leaders.

General Alex Jones was last spotted hyping up Seal Team Six, shouting at them, “I envy you WARRIORS! YOU have a chance to give your life for something bigger than 9/11, the final fight that will bring freedom to every individual on earth. Go in there and GET THAT ISLAMIC BOMB.”

Mothman spotted on White House during Trump inauguration

Mothman, the unparalleled bad omen, was spotted landing on the White House as Donald Trump was inaugurated.

INTERNET — As President Donald Trump was sworn in at the Lincoln memorial, Benjamin Price was one of the few photographers not in attendance. A photo of what he called, “a tremendous, dark, winged  creature” landing on top of the White House has gone viral, with Roseanne calling it ‘the mothman’ in a tweetstorm heralding the very end.

The mothman was last spotted in 1967, landing on the Silver Bridge before it collapsed, killing 46 people.

While many say that the viral “Mothman” photo is only a confused heron, most on social media agree this is a prophecy of doom not only for the president, but for the entire nation. “When Mothman lands on the White House that means it’s the end, and it ain’t just the end for him. This is for all of America, and it’s coming sooner rather than later,” said former Trump supporter and famous West Virginian Jesco White. “We’s all already dead because we’ve been fooled by the devil.”

Reportedly, mothman’s landing took place at the exact moment Trump officially became president. Famous columnist and novelist Laurie Penny tweeted that she began her period “with a vengeance,” at this moment as well, perhaps affected by the gaze of the mothman.

Further sightings of the mothman have been reported as the evil creature shifts through the haze of teargas making his way back to the safe harbors of the Appalachians.

“I think he don’t like what we’ve done to these mountains,” White said. “He’s just letting us know he’s got something real bad in store for us.”

Trump administration unveils plan for walls on the borders of all fifty states

Trump unveils plans for a wall to divide America

INTERNET– Donald Trump’s spokesperson Kellyanne Conway unveiled a “huge” new plan for a series of walls that will not only secure the Mexican border, but every single state border as well.

“With states like Colorado and California providing sanctuary cities for illegals and openly trafficking in illegal drugs, it’s not enough to build just one small wall,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters on CNN. “We’ve been looking at a more ambitious program to build walls on state borders, too. In some places we’re even looking at walls around counties, towns, or cities.”

Political scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Trump and his sons are going to cash in majorly on what promises to be the biggest building program of all time. They’re going to build a grid of walls across the entire nation, the equivalent of 10,000 Great Walls of China. By restricting the movement of citizens in this way, Trump will be able to effectively sanction local governments. By the time they’re done outlining every county, they’ll probably keep building and building. Walls around neighborhoods, walls around homes, walls inside of homes dividing up families.”

Trump’s spokesperson also hinted to reporters at CNN on future plans for an “Atlantic Wall” that will line the coasts and prevent any possibility of invasion or illegal migration through the ocean.

Trump Promises end of chemtrails

EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump promises to end chemtrails, vaccines, ISIS, and crooked Hillary on his very first day in office!

INTERNET — Donald Trump took to twitter Monday, tweetstorming fans “My very first executive order will END the chemtrailing across America. #MAGA”

Trump’s controversial tweets were deleted within an hour of posting.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, lead chemtrail engineer under Obama, told reporters, “Geoengineering with chemtrails is the only thing keeping away catastrophic climate change. Yes, it’s costly both to our health, government, and environment, but it’s better than failing farms and outright starvation.”

Trump also tweeted, “I will END autism in America by banning all vaccinations on my very first day in office.” The other day Trump’s transition team tapped famous anti-vaxxer Dr. Oz for Surgeon General.

Trump has critics fearing for their lives with his final tweet, “We have a very special surprise for THE MEDIA, CROOKED HILLARY, and ISIS! #MAGA” suggesting a crackdown on political opponents by associating them with terrorism. Previously, Trump has hinted at the return of internment camps for all Muslims and Mexicans, although this is the first hint that journalists and political opponents will be targets of his totalitarian takeover.

Trump presents Putin with symbolic “reset button” to restore friendly relations between US and Russia

Trump offered a symbolic ‘reset’ with Putin as a sign of friendship.

INTERNET — Donald Trump presented Vladimir Putin with a symbolic “reset button” as a gesture of restoration of friendly relations with Russia. After pressing the button at Trump’s tropical Mar-A-Lago resort, the pair grabbed rifles and rode off into Florida’s interior on a fan boat. Returning twelve hours later with twelve alligator corpses, Trump said, “Part of our deal is that Putin’s got to try out my golf course next time.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a nearly identical gesture in 2009, which was later proclaimed a horrible failure that only enabled the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the proliferation of advanced Russian weaponry in the middle east.

Donald Trump’s “reset button,” however, is seen as an entirely different gesture since it’s become clear that Russia’s recalcitrant foreign policies will only be encouraged in this manner. Geopolitical relationship counselor Dr. Angstrom Hubert Troubador told Internet Chronicle reporters, “Trump and Putin’s friendship seems unstable. They’re in that honeymoon stage that wears off so quickly, and it’s all founded on mutual interests that are, at best, momentary. They both hate Hillary, sure, but they also love her. Why else are they celebrating and mocking her efforts in this way? She’s the centerpiece of their relationship and it’s just weird and creepy at this point. I’d advise them to stop seeing each other and block one another’s accounts. Putin shouldn’t be reading Trump’s twitter account, either. That’s the only chance they have of ending things amicably at this point, in my professional opinion. It may be the only way to avert a nuclear war.”

WikiLeaks publishes Trump emails detailing final ‘catalyst’ chemtrailing

Wikileaks release shows Trump’s inauguration marks the end of humanity as elites deploy the final chemtrail catalyst.

INTERNET — After WikiLeaks quietly cancelled Julian Assange’s Ask Me Anything segment on Reddit, WikiLeaks backup spokesperson Sarah Harrison came forward with startling new hacks showing the inside of the Trump campaign. Harrison said nothing to dispel rumors that Assange has been murdered, but fans have begun mourning after hearing the shocking revelations.

The Trump campaign plans to annihilate over 99% of the world’s population on inauguration day. Billions around the world are sick with “the flu” as their bodies have absorbed the proper dose of non-fatal precursor chemicals spread through decades of worldwide chemtrailing. The final catalyst will be sprayed on inauguration day, turning the entire earth into a holocaust death chamber. Only a specially selected group of elites who have taken decades of antidotes will survive. These elites were selected equally from all races in order to ensure a healthy breeding population and avoid genetic sicknesses inherent in such a dramatic population bottleneck. The purpose of the population control chemtrail program is to avert unavoidable famines and cataclysmic nuclear wars that will come even with the most dramatic green energy initiatives and likely leave no survivors.

Analysts have pointed out the bitter irony that Trump publicly stands against racial diversity and green energy, keys to human survival, and that his victory in the presidential election justifies the policy of mass murder for the elites. Sarah Harrison told reporters, “From the point of view of the elites, you asked for this. You voted for this. We published, and now we’re damned.”