That's just like the 9/11 of…

The following is a list of the most awesome uses of the simile this article gets its title from. Also, everyone’s favorite tragedy, except for Cole Hogan. A bad week in Queercasting, or Heath Ledger’s death? That’s practically 9/11, ‘dude.’ Look at the animation to the left carefully if you don’t understand.

 

“That cockpit eject shit is crazed. It’s like the 9/11 of explosions, with less laughs.” – Wayne Moss.

  1. Jewish Lesbian Podcaster: Just this week was the 9/11 of podcasting? I wonder why the fact that no one listened to you is so tragic that it must have something to do with 9/11? I look at it the opposite way. She is obviously a part of the faked WTC attacks. Jewish Homosexual agenda conspiracy theorists ya fuckin dropped the ball on this one, eh?
  2. Idiotic Lobotomy Patient: Oh wait, this is a 29 year old attorney, had me fooled. The quilts are nice, but you know, this just goes to show you how smart your average college educated suit is. I could have her blog wrong, but the excerpt clearly reads verbatim: “not the OMG heath ledger died what a hunk kind but the more like the 9-11 of OMG anyone can die at anytime sort of panic attack?” I know Heath Ledgers death really made me think of 9/11. What does she care? Her favorite movies are “Easter 86” and “Prom 95.” I don’t think Heath Ledger were in those ones, but I can’t find them on IMDB.
  3. Tori Spelling Has a Disastrously Tragic Photo Set: This one might approach the ugliness of 9/11, minus the gore, death, fear, and rivers of Asbestos dust flowing through the streets of New York. She’s wearing a nice army uniform, so hey, fuck her support for our boys. She’s ugly, she’s like, so 9/11. I answer this with the usual WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYWAY? You’re not funny for bringing up 9/11 to bring down someone no one cares about. For the record I don’t know who she is or why she is famous, and couldn’t fucking care less, she is an ugly hound-wench dressed looking like a soldier in drag. Hey, wait, did i just come up with a better insult than the most overused simile permeating the Internet? LOL 9/11 LOLOCAUST!
  4. Sports Writer Invokes 9/11: So an NBA player freaks out on the crowd. Someone compares it to 9/11 and guess what, it ends up in my hometown newspaper! You know what… Reading it over again, that really does remind me of 9/11. There really is a crisis in sports and sportsmanship today. We should declare a war on it, and use it as reason to invade North Korea. It’d make as much sense.

So to recap, being ignored, celebrity death, celebrity ugliness, and unsportsmanlike conduct in the NBA: 9/11. 9/11…eh, that’s like a small VT Massacre.

Bigfoot the Martian

New analysis of Mars rover imagery by the college-educated geniuses at NASA has revealed stunning new proof of life on Mars. The mysterious nature of the creature, as it looks back at the rover with its strange gait and human-like curiosity makes it 100% sure to Nasanauts that it is indeed Bigfoot. Could he be investigating the monuments of Cydonia? This much is true: Bigfoot must be much more clever than we are. The Bigfoot have made it to Mars, and probably have gotten as far as Jupiter, which begs the question: Jupitorians are definitely Bigfoot. Somehow they have overcome all physical limitations through some sort of “Mind Over Matter.” Next time you see Bigfoot disappear behind some trees, do not follow him, or you may end up walking out from a cave on Mars, and hell, if you don’t die instantly from the life-forbidding conditions, Bigfoot may kill you. That would make you the 3rd person to ever have been eaten by Bigfoot. Thank you for visiting Elf Wax, your Marinoia Depot.

Moonshiners Run Gasoline out of Town

Realizing that their product is no less than 100% pure ethanol, moonshiners in Franklin Co. Va have run gasoline out of town. They have perfected the process of producing ethanol on a scale that makes a happy drunken life with cheap renewable energy completely plausible. Usually commercially available ethanol is “denatured” or rendered poisonous, through introduction of gasoline or other poisons. Not straight moonshine. The fact is, if you grew your own corn, and made your own ethanol, you might not ever have to pay for gasoline, electricity, or alcoholic beverages. No wonder such self-sufficiency is illegal. It is a well known fact that the oil industry is the real reason moonshining has been cracked down upon. We should be up to our faces in corn, in every corner of every street, in every neighborhood and every alleyway. This would be a land where the power did not come from the people, who are unjust and prone to hate, but from the corn, who share up to 99.9% of our DNA anyway. Everyone should be encouraged to grow corn for the purpose of moonshining, to create something from nothing, for this is the only way an economy works. If ethanol is Jesus, those hacks with their cellulosic ethanol pipe-dream garbage super-genetically-enhanced bacteria that will probably kill us all is perhaps… the Anti-Jesus?

A Review of Pokemon 8: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew (or something like that)

I awoke on New Years day to the usual yammering of Cartoon Network’s early morning programming. I stood up to deactivate the horrible noises, when I realized I was in the guest bedroom. How drunk had I been last night? I forgot. How’d I get home? Man, I had no answers, except I knew I was thirsty. Stumbling to the fridge, waves of nausea coarsed through my whole body. I found nothing but Orange Juice and quickly finished what was left of the container. I felt my brain inside my skull, screaming to get out. I threw the empty box across the room and missed the trash can completely. I returned to my room, and as I sat down, a second, much more intense wave of nausea came over me. Quickly thinking, I packed a gravity bong. Weed cures nausea, and maybe numb the throbbing inside my skull, at least that was what I was thinking. I was able to inhale half of the bong and then cough and puke into the water bucket at the same time. Of course I wasn’t done, all the OJ had to go. When the watery yellow vomit was all over the ground at the foot of my deck, I started to dry heave for about 10 minutes. Teary-eyed, half stoned, and worse off than I was before, it was all I could do to sip on a glass of water and watch the storyline of Pokemon 8 unfold before my eyes. At least vomiting off my deck made me feel relieved after the dry heaving.
Pokemon 8:
It started in the distant past, with some sort of magic called Aura (get this…everyone has a slightly different Aura). I was able to halfway sleep through the first part. There’s this Pokemon named Lucario, and Ash unseals him or something, and Lucario’s a dick and doesn’t trust anybody after being sealed away for so long, even though he doesn’t even know why he was sealed away. Meanwhile, Mew, Meowth, and Pikachu are hanging out in the Tree of Beginning. Why? I don’t know. You find out later that Mew and the Tree actually share their consciousness, which is interesting. As Ash travels to the tree with Lucario and a band of friends, they gain eachothers trust. When they arrive, the tree begins attacking Lucario and Ash. Everyone is killed who is not a Pokemon. Good job, Mew. Mew then revives everyone back to life with no effort, since he controls the tree. But oops! The tree’s immune reaction was too strong, and will kill everyone unless someone saves it with the power of Aura. And to do that, apparently you have to be trapped in some sort of crystal or something forever. I felt no remorse for these Pokemon because every conflict in the movie was created solely by Mew’s complete negligence. I give the vomit splattering on the ground one star and Pokemon 8 a half of a star.

Tragedyriffic!

WARNING: Parental Discretion IS ADVISED. THE FOLLOWING IS EXTREMELY INSENSITIVE AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE, EVER. Original Tragedy graphic is Copywright Cole Hogan, 2006. Modified graphic and animation are copyright Jesus Hubert Christ, 12 AD.
(So that’s what that H stands for!)

April 17th:
that little bastard bought guns from my home town…….Cavalier, Tarheel, Captian, Turpin…..we all gotta little hokie in us this right now.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

If cops got to the scene of the Virginia Tech massacre and ate all the dead corpses, is it considered ‘canabalism’? NO! There’s no such thing as ‘canabalism’.

April 18th:
gone to bed, pray for our hokies, pray that is well, and pray to god that cho’s rotting in hell……….yes I meant for that to rhyme.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

My favorite line in that wonderful poem is “Pray that is well.”

April 19th:
for all my fellow captains, I have a new profile image on facebook that contains captain chris and the hokie bird, I”m hoping it will catch on. If you want the original jpeg to upload to your own profile, email me and I will glad you send a copy.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

Wanna see it? Tragilicious!

“If cops ate bacon…” remained at the end of every single one of Cole’s away messages from March 4th to October 14th, a total of 7 months and 10 days. The precise amount of time that that joke is still funny. What a great joke.

Less Truth, Moore Manipulation

Ever since Roger & Me hit the film festival circuit in 1989, Michael Moore has established himself to be a distinctive documentary filmmaker. With the release and wide popularity of his 2002 documentary, Bowling for Columbine, Moore gained attention from a wider audience whom perhaps weren’t as familiar with his work; however, his omissions and questionable techniques began to be somewhat evident. Then, along came Fahrenheit 9/11, a 2004 documentary following the events of the September 11th attacks and the response from the Bush administration, misleading us into occupation in Iraq. Easily Moore’s most successful and controversial film, Fahrenheit 9/11 is guilty of both covering up omitting information with film methods and crafting its own political agenda with a slanted style, a well-known characteristic of Moore. Indeed, Fahrenheit 9/11, through Michael Moore’s selected film techniques and biased and populist rhetoric, creates and argues its own political agenda, stating that Bush manipulated the events of 9/11/2001 to create unwarranted war in Iraq. Though, ironically, Moore is accountable of the same reductionism proposed.
Throughout the film, it is obvious that Michael Moore was extremely careful with the shots and editing he used in order to mask his omitted facts and sway viewers into believing everything he says is true. One of the film’s first examples is the coverage, or lack thereof, of the 9/11 attacks at the World Trade Center. Moore decided to exclude video footage and instead solely use carefully selected audio of the explosions and people crying and yelling for help, all against a blank screen. By removing the video, Moore is cueing the viewer’s personal visual memories of the events, adding much more emotion. In addition, if he would’ve shown the attacks, the emotions would be those of anger and retaliation, not those of sorrow and sympathy. Right after this scene, the video fades back in; showing the looks of shock and horror on bystanders’ faces as debris rains down from the sky, all juxtaposed with sounds of violins much like a sad part in a narrative film. These early shots and sounds prompt the emotions of sorrow from the viewer and get them involved from the start.
Secondly, another example of Moore using his film experience to his advantage is in the scene where President Bush is reading a book to elementary school students as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center. Instead of immediately reacting after being told “America is under attack,” Bush kept his cool for seven minutes before getting up and heading for safety. However, Moore stretches these seven minutes out to feel like a lifetime by showing Bush calmly sitting and pondering his next move along with the time at the bottom of the screen to remind the viewer that minutes are passing by. Usually, in any emergency where the president’s security is threatened, the secret service takes control and decides the president’s next move. Moore does not mention this though and instead makes Bush seem as if he doesn’t care and/or doesn’t have a clue what to do next when the nation was under attack.
Finally, one last example of Moore’s use of manipulative editing occurs during the scene where President Bush is shown announcing his plan to bomb Iraq in “shock and awe” fashion. Moore mentions that his film crew went to Iraq the day before the bombings and documented Iraqi life. What is shown onscreen is children running around, frolicking around a Ferris wheel carelessly, all while Saddam Hussein’s evil regime was still in power. The next images we see are bombs exploding over Baghdad and the destruction and sorrow caused by the “shock and awe” campaign. One can’t help but to think of the similarities between the aftermaths of these bombings and the attacks of September 11th as we again see people crying for help after chaos has erupted. What Moore has done here though is depicted Saddam’s Iraq as a peaceful, happy place where kids play freely and happily, when in reality this was far from the truth. Moore’s film crew obviously went to one of the more peaceful places in Iraq and got incredibly lucky with the footage. When this happy footage is shown right before the explosions of the bombs and their aftermath, it makes the Bush Administration seem heartless and only looking invade countries that they can gain from. Although this example is much more blatant than others, it still proves the point that Michael Moore’s selected film techniques are used in such a way to covertly sway the viewer’s opinion without seeming overly direct.
Not only is Moore an expert at manipulating film techniques, he also has a way with rhetoric, choosing almost always to go along with populist opinion and never offering opposing viewpoints. Throughout Moore’s films, he has always picked one person to buffoon through his use of archive footage and film manipulation. In Roger & Me, his target was Roger Smith, CEO of General motors, while in Bowling for Columbine, his target was the National Rifle Association and its president at the time, Charlton Heston. With Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore was sitting on a goldmine by picking George W. Bush, who is no stranger to bumbled speeches and misquotes. Basically, all Moore had to do was get his hands on archive footage making Bush look foolish and juxtapose them right where his points were being made. In the summer of 2004, a majority of the U.S. was already questioning Bush’s misuse of power. Before the film was even released, there was mass controversy regarding the issues discussed in the film. Even the title itself, which derives from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, caused some controversy with Bradbury asking Moore to change the film’s title (Fahrenheit 9/11 controversy). These controversies had an adverse effect, creating publicity and causing it to open up at the box office with 23.9 million. With most viewers knowing the context of the film before entering the theatre, Moore was basically preaching to a choir.
Another known characteristic of Moore’s films is that he always finds a way to get his hometown, Flint, Michigan, involved. In Fahrenheit 9/11, he does so by encountering a mother who lost her son in the conflict in Iraq. It is at this point in the film where Moore tones down his usual blaring music along with visuals and shifts the focus solely on the woman’s struggles dealing with the loss of a son. If viewers weren’t already emotionally tuned in to Moore’s rhetoric, now they have a first-hand look at the personal side of war. It is interesting to note that in this scene, Moore makes it seem as if the mother, Lila Lipscomb, had made a complete change in her opinions of the war. In the beginning, Lipscomb states that she loves America and supports the president every step of the way; however, her opinion seems to take a 180-degree turn when she goes to the White House. Dr. Kelton Rhoads, an expert in psychology, did a bit of research of his own and uncovered that Lipscomb had voted for Al Gore in the 2000 election and claimed that Bush had stole the election (Rhoads).
Lastly, as much as Moore suggests that Bush duped a nation into agreeing with his unprovoked invasion of Iraq, Moore himself is just as guilty of the same reductionism by duping his viewers with film manipulation and populist opinion. Moore portrays Bush throughout the movie as being a manipulative leader even with the first shots of him preparing himself before addressing the nation. However, Moore is a true master of manipulation and hides it well by using ambiguous film techniques instead of straightforward facts to push his opinions on people seamlessly.
To conclude, Fahrenheit 9/11 was a successful documentary that’s triumph over viewers was mainly due to Michael Moore’s skilled film techniques and populist rhetoric that its audience would hardly question with a first viewing. However, when examined closely, the film is guilty of using these skills to its advantage and duping all of those who watch and believe everything stated is true. In conclusion, through its selected film techniques and populist rhetoric, Fahrenheit 9/11 is a success in terms of creating and arguing its own political agenda. Though, one must argue the overall success of the film when George W. Bush was reelected and still in office.

Blast from the Past

Hope everyone had a nice Halloween. I was having quite a good time until I saw the pics of the devil below. Sheesh. Anyway, searching deep into archives, I was able to find our old friend Backpack Monster and make his sequel available to the world (wide web).
Backpack Monster II. Youtubed.

Update:
SIKE!!!!!!!!!!!11
Youtube doesn’t accept .swf files. Should be called youn00b. MIRITE?!?