Trump administration meets with insurance CEOs to coordinate ‘Obamacare Explosion’

Obamacare exploded, Saturday.

INTERNET — Health insurance premiums across the nation skyrocketed over 9000% Saturday, as the Trump White House put pressure on insurance executives to work together to raise prices. President Trump himself invited the heads of major insurers Kaiser, UnitedHealth, Anthem, Aetna, Cigna, and HCSC to the golf course at his Mar-A-Lago resort, where the world’s biggest deals are made over eighteen grueling holes in the Florida sun. Trump told reporters, “Obamacare’s already exploding, people. I hate to say it, but I told you so.”

A leaker known only as PanchoVilla420 tweeted conversations overheard while working in the Mar-A-Lago cafe. Trump reportedly told the table of grinning insurance CEOs, “This is a major win for us. Tired of winning yet? We’re going to make billions, people. It’s going to be great. And we can just say this is what Obama wanted, so that’s what everyone’s going to get. It’s his plan, our money. The poor people, they’re going to die out or take on lifetime debt while the rich thrive, just as nature intended.”

Historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer institute suggested that the explosion of Obamacare marks the first truly major tectonic shift of power from national governments to corporations, a moment which may come to characterize a new dominant world order. “This is like when Philip the Fair captured and dismantled the papacy as a political entity. Major, major shift in power. By making basic healthcare entail a lifetime of debt, corporations around the world will be able to create a newer more potent form of serfdom and use this power to control and discipline billions. They’ll tell you what to eat, force you to exercise, imprison you for smoking, and punish you for extreme sports because you put your faith in the free market rather than democracy. The victors are already drawing their first drafts of history, where blame will be thrown on democratic socialist institutions, as represented by the great Satan Obama and the bloodthirsty abortionists, further strengthening the iron grip of capital on the culture and the people of the future.”

One local farmer says ‘Society ain’t no good anymore’

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took a final look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.

“It just ain’t worth havin’,” says a farmer.

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took one last look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.
In 1998, Jessie Dank took one last look at society, before he stopped giving a fuck.

An area farmer is under fire after suggesting society serves “really no purpose” and – in his words – is “just there to fuck with my shit.”

The church struck back Saturday as Newport area Reverend Reggie Pollops announced Operation Black Sabbath, a plan to end nihilistic farmers.

“I cultivate more than just sweet onions,” farmer Jessie Dank told Internet Chronicle in response to the backlash. “I cultivate wheat, livestock and livery, but I don’t cultivate no damn society. At my house, it’s my rules, and there ain’t any rules. It is pure anarchy, and it is mine– wait, that is actually how I make my onions. But no, I also don’t like rules.”

Since then, Jessie became addicted to Vicodin, but it was entirely his fault.

Pollops said Jessie’s inability to subscribe to our values and go along with the group makes him a danger not only to himself and his onions, but to society as a whole.

“Jessie’s a-layin’ up there in that trailer on drugs and bathtub gin,” Pollop said. “He’s a danger to everything we hold dear. Especially to the deer, which we hunt strictly for survival.”

Jessie Dank responded via Twitter to millions of followers.

letm do what he wants. aint none of this shits worth havin neway. ok just delete it. i dont give a fuck – @DankFarmer

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Gripping so hard on the tablet that LEDs short under your thumbs, teeth gritted and your face an inch from the light, your eyes roll back under the skull at the power. “You’ll be the next HITLER! Right here in your hand, the ALEPH foretold of in myth, a window to the world, with you, God HIMSELF over every grain of sand. Be as CRUEL and HORRIBLE as you want. Yes, and take your Terrormax. It was invented by the military, by NASA, and now it’s yours. EVERYTHING IS YOURS WITH TERRORMAX, FOR THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW UNIVERSE — AND IT’S YOURS.

President Trump visits Roanoke River Catfish Farm

Supervisors hang on his every word as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.
Supervisors hang on his every word, as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.

To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.

The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.

Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.

Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.

Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.

It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.

Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.

“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”

Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.

He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.

It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.

He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.

And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.

Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.

Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.

Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.

“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”

Trump declares war on poverty

Trump put on a worn pair of reading glasses Wednesday morning, spun his favorite Mozart track La Climenza de Tito, and sat down with a legal pad at the head of a conference room table in the West wing of the White House. There, he met with professors of Harvard economics and sociologists from MIT, who presented solutions to a “quieted, attentive President Trump.”

In a sudden tonal shift, insiders say President Trump said little throughout the day, until finally the presentations were over, and Trump had time to look over his notes from the day’s hours-long meetings with intellectuals and poverty experts from every field of governance.

President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.
President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.

“This is a tough job,” Trump said. “Wow. I never thought I’d say this, but being a good statesman is one of the toughest jobs in the world – a job President Obama did with dignity and care – and today I do not come to you to brag about how far I’ve come, but to say I am humbled by how far we have yet to go.”

Trump listened carefully as representatives from Southern Poverty Law Center described the multitudes of poor workers affected by sweeping policy change.

Over the course of several hours, experts and philanthropists educated the President using charts, graphs and condensing decades of research into a crash course on socioeconomic struggle of the shrinking middle class and impoverished workers, who predominantly occupy the South.

“Trump only interrupted once,” said Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, fellow at the American Institute of Philanthropy, “and he had a very good question. He wanted to know why people who work so many different jobs have little to no savings, and what he could do to repair the post-industrial South. His constructive, erudite tone fostered a creative, solution-oriented approach to complex issues.”

Sad!

Trump, who said he is writing a memo to congress addressing problems of impoverished, working class Americans, wants to see more focus on education and said he will soon host a symposium at the White House where NAFTA leaders and foreign trade specialists can discuss solutions and funding to America’s opium-soaked Southern underbelly, bringing jobs, trade and health services to the region.

“Just opposing the CIA – which I have attempted to do – isn’t the only thing that made Kennedy great,” Trump said. “And I, too, need to do more for people of color, and the beautiful women who – even though they voted for crooked Hillary – deserve access, as all human beings do, to specific family and health services.”

Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Kellyanne Conway describes Trump’s “Pussy Grabbing Mania” in CNN transcripts hacked by WikiLeaks

Kellyanne Conway says Trump grabs “at least a hundred” pussies every day in a White House that is “more like a horror movie”

Wikileaks unveiled a hacked transcript of Kellyanne Conway’s secretive interview with CNN portraying President Trump rampaging through the white house in what she called “pussy grabbing cocaine mania.” Conway’s bombshell interview with Wolf Blitzer is set to air next week.

The alleged interview transcripts show a Conway who was sexually terrorized by the president, “He came up to me, scowled, and grabbed my pussy after my botched interview the other day. ‘This here’s the only reason you’re not fired.’ His exact words. ‘Anything you say, I can say it’s fake and no one will ever believe you.'”

White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway’s interview with CNN comes after the outlet was called “fake news” by President Trump. However, even most skeptical republicans see Wikileaks as a reputable source. Internet Chronicle has not been able to corroborate any facts with secret service or white house personnel, and Conway has made no public statements about the alleged groping.

“He grabs at least a hundred pussies a day. Every chance he gets and yes, especially his own daughter and wife. Just the other day I told the President that I can’t explain to the press why he won’t lock Hillary up. Then I made a mistake in sharing my opinion that the American people had mandated it, and that he wasn’t draining the swamp. I mean, how do I lie about all these things at once? It’s hard and I was about to cry. Then he took this big line of coke right off of the oval office desk and grabbed me in the pussy, bruising it badly. He shouted ‘THIS is what the American People mandated!’ so loud that the Secret Service rushed into the room with guns out. They grabbed me and locked me in the bathroom for three hours until the president’s rampage came to an end.”

Julian Assange of Wikileaks appeared on the Sean Hannity radio show and spoke with the deliberate, natural voice of General Tarkin in Rogue One, “We’ve never published anything wrong in our whole career. I think the people of the world want to know the truth. Does that mean what Kellyanne Conway says is totally true? I don’t believe so.”

Assange is currently in the process of handing himself over to US authorities, although an increasing number of skeptics believe he has been covertly murdered and replaced by an artificial simulacrum controlled by CIA propagandists. A majority of poll respondents told Internet Chronicle that Assange’s sudden change in behavior is “totally fishy.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador logged onto CNN and posted a comment out of his ass that said, “Assange is enticed by the new pussy grabbing opportunities available in Trump’s dank white house,” and the pyschiatric committees of America all agreed this is some sick fuckin shit.

Senator Al Franken has called a motion for immediate impeachment of President Trump, but Republicans want to delay until the interview airs on CNN. Arnold Swarzenegger, whose recent beef with President Trump has dominated headlines, celebrated this decision, tweeting, “One more week and I’ll be Back.” Trump responded with a misspelled tweet that read “Your Fired.” Dr. Troubador, whose twitter password was lost long ago in a stoned daze, didn’t tweet anything at all.

Internet Chronicle enters incredible “Stage III” of spectacular human development study

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil "Mind Over Matter"
Lebal Drocer Laboratories
Lebal Drocer Laboratories boldly guides us into a Brave New World

Raleigh T. Hatesec, chairman of the Workers’ Party of Democratic People’s Republic of United States of America, chairman of the DPRUSA State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and supreme commander of the American People’s Army, gave field guidance to a Washington, D.C. Orphanage and Primary School where children are grown in a petri dish and harvested for their soul essence.

He went round the school building, hostel and other places to learn in detail about the construction and preparations for operating the facility.

Pleased that the Spawning Chamber was built in a modern and fashionable style, he said that all classrooms were put on a multi-functional and IT basis to suit the features of primary education and equipped with varieties of teaching facilities, where children will learn to worship Hatesec, and never question Him.

He noted that the school has well-furnished rooms for education in Raleigh T. Hatesec’s patriotism, room for the members of the Children’s Union, nature study room, music and dance room, and an interlocking room-sized metal grinder for graduation.

All spaces in the learning center are devoted to acquiring knowledge and common sense as the corridor is decorated with diverse paintings of Raleigh Theodore Hatesec, and other things which attract children’s interest and ensure visual, scientific and vivid effect.

Visiting Second-Year Class A having Korean language lesson, he learned in detail, with fatherly care, about how pupils are taught and how teaching aids are used, their cognition ability, and their quality of unending servitude to the benevolent Hatesec. Children wept and women cried who were showered in his love.

Noting that the hostel was built in such way that it not only suits children’s minds but enables them to live without any inconveniences, he added that he was satisfied with everything such as bedrooms and dining room, barber’s and clinic, and his bed of living human women back at home.

The quality of the country’s overall education including higher education depends on the quality of primary and secondary indoctrination and a shortcut to building a talented nation lies in thoroughly implementing the Party’s policy of prioritizing primary and secondary indoctrination, he said, giving important instructions that would serve as guidelines for managing and operating the people factory.

Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.
Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.

He earnestly asked the officials and the teaching staff of the school to take good care of its pupils, reflecting his wish, so that they may grow up uprightly, stoutly and cheerfully without the slightest sadness and worry, since Stage III Soul Essence can only be manufactured and refined through a rich human experience.

He had a photo session with the pupils and teaching staff of D.C. Orphanage and Primary School.

He was accompanied by Angstrom H. Troubadour, member of the Presidium of the Political Bureau of USSA Central Committee, vice-chairman of the State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and vice-chairman of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

He said he had never seen such an efficient use of resources to produce Soul Essence for Stage III of his glorious new plan.

It wasn’t hatesec all along, he said.

“It was me.”

Trump administration moves forward with plans for ‘Nuclear 9/11’ inside job

The Trump Administration is planning a ‘nuclear 9/11’

INTERNET — The Trump White House, already struggling under multiple scandals and unprecedented low approval ratings, is desperate for any distraction. Most of the new administration, including Trump himself, are believers that 9/11 was an inside job, and have begun discussions on how to repeat this Bush-era success on an even larger scale. Leakers tell Internet Chronicle that discussions have focused on whether to use a “dirty bomb” or “two or three megatons” on Trump’s least favorite city, Chicago. Trump has even brought in expert truther, Alex Jones, to plan the specifics of the attack for maximum psychological impact.

“It’s a tall order to top 9/11,” Jones reportedly said, “And I don’t think a dirty bomb is going to do it. It’s got to be full-on nuclear or forget about it.”

Military advisers are struggling to appease Trump but believe there’s no way to pull off a nuclear false flag. General Petraeus told Trump, “Our weapons leave unmistakable traces, and any nuclear scientist can detect where the material was mined and produced by simple tests of the fallout.”

Jones roared at the generals, “We KNOW about the thermite, we KNOW about the missile at the pentagon. We CONTROL the news.”

General Petraeus suggested, “We have a disarmament program and exchange nuclear materials with Russia. This would be the easiest way to make it look as if terrorists are behind the nuking.”

This suggestion enraged Trump who stood up and began to strategize, “If we can land Seal Team Six and grab Obama– I mean Osama–out of Pakistan, can’t we just go in there and grab a bonafide Islamic nuke? I get no respect, no respect.” The group of generals began to laugh at this witty one liner, delivered in Trump’s typical bombastic, outrageous frat boy stand up style. However, the mirth turned to stunned silence as Trump turned on his evil grin and sat quietly in his chair, pointing at each of the generals and delivering his most famous catchphrase. “You’re fired, and you’re fired, and you’re fired,” purging the military of its most competent leaders.

General Alex Jones was last spotted hyping up Seal Team Six, shouting at them, “I envy you WARRIORS! YOU have a chance to give your life for something bigger than 9/11, the final fight that will bring freedom to every individual on earth. Go in there and GET THAT ISLAMIC BOMB.”

Lebal Drocer CEOs asked: “Why aren’t there more broads in the workplace?”

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer Inc
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar's coffee.
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar’s coffee.

dr troubadourHi, I’m Dr. Angstrom Hire Troubledames and I am chief of human resources at the legendary chemical warfare contractor and Internet Chronicle publisher Lebal Drocer, Inc. At Lebal Drocer we specialize in putting tear gas and mustard gas into the wrong hands at the right time. Watch out Assad! The chemical monster’s comin’ to gitcha! (Just kidding. We like to have fun, here! [But seriously, watch it]).

But I come to you today with a message. Good tidings. And I’d like to extend a veiny, rock-hard olive branch to all the pretty ladies out there just looking for a job, or an excuse to leave the house.

More to the point, my bosses have been riding me like a whore four on the floor over hiring practices, and our lawyers are telling me it’s high time we show a little beaver in the workplace. So here’s my pitch (a “pitch” is when one man tries to sell his idea to another man – or, in this case – a woman):

Construction workers are often misunderstood as misogynistic, aggressive cat callers according to Lebal Drocer Ethics Board Chairman Raleigh T. Hatesec.

“In actuality,” Dr. Hatesec explained, “the men shouting from down in that hole are trying to lure more women into the workplace, where their absence is sorely frustrating.”

I get it. Sometimes while we’re driving rivets into steel, we like to be reminded it’s nice to FUCK something, so this is why I look around at the cock-worshiping, Freudian dildo cigar gauntlet that is the Lebal Drocer Tower lobby and I think, ‘Hey, you know what would look good in that corner right over there? A beautiful woman. Have her answer the phone or something.’

I went into the Yahoo! office and first thing I noticed was this beautiful blonde with big tits, dressed like she wanted it. I said ,”Now there’s a tall drink of water!” And this dame works here. I leaned into her, real close – she could smell my essence – and I said, “Hey there Sugar Tits, you got a daddy? Because Daddy’s standing right here, you feel me? ‘Cause I feel you. Now here’s 20 bucks. Buy yourself somethin’ cheap.”

The answer to the question, where are all the broads, is you, ladies. Get off your asses, quit spending your husbands’ money, and come get a job already. If you act now, and submit your little resumé to Lebal Drocer, Inc. Cuthbert, Ga. we’ll even throw in a complimentary handbag, because we know how much you like that shit.

Come get interviewed by two or three guys.
Come get interviewed by two or three guys.