Richmond Mayor forces two children to fight

The two Richmond boys were allegedly paid in cookies to fight "to the death"
Mayor Jones is seen here applying force on two reluctant boys' pressure-points

Richmond, VA–Mayor Dwight C. Jones (Mister C.) allegedly forced two children to duel for their lives Monday following their “art” submissions to a new program intended to renew inner-city schools by funneling coke money into Jones’ own pockets.

“None of this would have happened if art wasn’t allowed in school,” said the losing victim’s mother Courtney Harris. “I have never felt so ashamed,” she confessed, “until I realized my son is a dead loser.” Ms. Harris later indicated she is “glad” her son is dead, a shift in opinion analysts say is “notable.”

Dwight Jones made no comment about the duel, citing federal gag-orders due to unpaid gambling debts to crack dealers in Jackson Ward, but he did have this to say:

“I have always felt that art in public schools is a waste of money on kids who are inherently talentless but are, as I have proven – better fighters; at least – half of them are.”

“Who knows about the dead?” he quipped.

Who knows, indeed? Richmonders are in an uproar over the whereabouts of the dead child’s body, who can not be named, due not to legal implications but to the fact that authorities have been unable to locate either the whorehouse to which the boy’s mother supposedly belongs, or any records on the child who authorities now believe was born “under the radar.” City officials said due to the loser’s mom being a straight-up crack-whore, no father can possibly be determined. So far, paternity tests have narrowed the possible fathers down to a short list of five men who share the GCG, or Gary Coleman Gene. But their semen is allegedly so polluted with King Cobra malt liquor that no testing machine can solve the “Riddle of the Richmond Ghetto.”

“I hate children, and I support Mayor Jones’ decision to enslave them for use in his personal gambling dens. I wish they’d all die, or at least be forced to do other violent things, like fight in wars.”

-Anonymous

Let's go to the river!The boy’s severely-battered corpse is thought to be somewhere in the James River, a popular dump-point used by the holographic chemical plant Allied Chemical, the shell of a company who once allied with Capitalism to dump kepone, a popular ‘cool’cinogen used in roach poison, into the James River, which consequently flowed straight into the kepone-intolerant nervous systems of many workers in Hopewell – a move Mayor Jones applauds enthusiastically as the James River’s claim to fame. The forty-year poisoning of Hopewell factory workers marks the country’s first environmental disaster that would later give rise to unprecedented shirking of responsibility employed by corporate entities across America.

In the eclipse of U.S. President and War Strategist Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Mayor Jones finds little reason to carry out a search for the boy, especially given his intimate, but silent knowledge of the child’s do-doubt gruesome fate which Jones’ publicists said “might spoil the endorsement.” Inside sources say the mayor had the boy contaminated with several carcinogenic compounds that would ferry their way via his body to South Carolina lowlands, where the child will cause countless still-births and unexplainable cancers.

No one from the school board or any of the childrens’ teachers were immediately available for comment. This is due in part to the fact that people in the ghetto are constantly avoiding bill-collectors, so they don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar number.

More to come on this, as Mayor Jones’ indictment goes awry in the second part of our wacky, cocaine-powdered adventure of “Richmond Mayordruglord to the bitter end.”

Panama Monster is missing link

PANAMA- A disgusting abomination of nature rose from the murky depths today, frightening children by begging them for a “precious” golden ring.  Of course, the children knew not to trust this hideous monster and summarily stoned it to death, as per the teachings of The Elf Wax Times resident cryptozoologist Manny Hansfield.

This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.
This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.

This photograph was taken shortly after the creature died, but before it mysteriously disappeared. Our Evolutionary Analysts have made integral discoveries regarding the nature of this animal by thorough dissection of this photograph.

The Loch Ness Monster and similair creatures have long been known by science to be serpentine aquatic Mammals, driven to their specific body shape through convergent evolution with horrible sea serpents that share the same niche in the oceans.

Bigfoot, a land dwelling biped, appears to share a common ancestor with both the creature of Loch Ness and the monster from Panama.

“Three million years ago we expect that a strange semi-aquatic biped roamed the ice-bridge between Europe and America, avoiding pre-Eskimos as much as possible due to their horrendous smell.  Some of this creature’s descendants became Arctic Seals; some migrated onto land, and some remained in the lochs of Scotland and the Great Lakes of America.  This Panama creature represents a relic population similar to the line which migrated onto the to land and became what we now know as Bigfoot.”

panama2
The sentence for all monsters is death at the hands of children.

Collective relief among cryptozoologists at this new understanding of Earth’s ecosystem has allowed many to begin work on more pragmatic pursuits.  Rather then spending months in the wild on the hunt for Bigfoot, some biologists have taken to fabricating their own hoax mammal photographs which, in spite of their blatant non-existence, have already been sold to the major news networks. Other biologists have been putting in “real time” towards genetically engineering bacteria that will use nuclear fission as a source of energy, giving it comic book-style attributes.  For example, a specific breed of these cells will be able to infect any living body, re-animate it, and send it on a berserk rampage in furious pursuit of more hosts.

“In the real world, ‘mad scientists’ pursue Bigfoot and Nessie.  Now they don’t have that pursuit and are either in complete denial of this fact or have ‘cracked’ and are attempting to use their sparse knowledge of biochemistry to destroy humanity. In all likelihood they will fail miserably, but in light of recent success we should take their endeavors quite seriously.” -Manny Hansfield, cryptozoologist and inventor of the fissilium zomfectus bacteria strain.