Google Googles self, search feature 'disabled until further notice'

Google collapsed under the weight of its own self-searching, a glitch that has cost many their lives. Why, God, why? . . .

New study links marijuana to hunger, passivity

We were going to write an excerpt for this story but then Rasta-man totally forgot what it was about so we grilled cheese sandwiches and let the intern worry about it. . . .

Larry And His Flask

The Elf Wax Times got fucking wasted and saw a great show, vomited in an alleyway, then drove home to tell you about it. . . .

The Third World War on the Third World

NEW! MCMAFIA FROM MCDONALD’S, sold only in Italy. Read to find out what Sarah Palin’s hand has to say. Spoiler Alert: it’s not a handjob or else she wouldn’t have retarded children. . . .

Auto-tuned auto-tuning machine auto-tuned for the first time

T-Pain’s irresponsible use of what used to be known as “the Cher machine” has led to a breakdown of global economic politics hinging on the Panama Canal. . . .

Watch Mini-Daddy Play

Don’t read this piece of shit publication any longer. WATCH IT INSTEAD! Mini-Daddy drops it like it’s hot, but like it’s hotter. . . .

STAY INDOORS! DEADLY GEMINID METEOR SHOWER TONIGHT

Apocalypse or gift from the Heavens? You decide after we give you one hyper-delusional side of this annual story of Gemini’s Wrath. . . .

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

Pirates have released an automatically-validating, automatically-updating edition of Windows 7. Those giving bastards! . . .

The Elf Wax Times Boasts Monumental Success

The Elf Wax Times has exploded onto your computer screen like a poorly-timed orgasm. Read more to find out how literal this disgusting metaphor really is! . . .

IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DEMONSTRATION RE: ALL DRUGS

A study conducted by the trustworthy United States Government reveals all drugs fuck you up equally, severely and permanently. . . .