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Federal Government Revokes 2nd Amendment Rights

Alex Jones on Piers MorganWashington–In a controversial ruling, the US Supreme Court has decided to take guns away from the general public until they are mature enough to talk about them on TV without yelling and name calling.

Americans have been ordered to leave their guns on top of their refrigerators, or a high enough place where they can’t reach it or see.

“If they don’t see it for long enough, they’re just going to forget about it and move on,” said MIT behavioral psychologist Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It’s out of sight, out of mind. They’ll go on to the next wedge issue. But for right now, the only thing that’s out sight is the price of a solid AR-15!”

Americans witnessed Alex Jones screaming at Piers Morgan last week, and reacted either by apprehensively petting their revolvers on their hips, or applauding Morgan, who did not raise his voice during the sound bites repeatedly broadcast on TV and the Internet.

By court order, Alex Jones was supervised Thursday locking his guns in a cabinet before handing over the keys to ATF agents standing by.

“Those guns,” Judge Meador said, who presided over the case, “will stay locked up until Americans learn to conduct themselves like adults. Sure, any stubborn asshole can shoot off his guns, there’s no questioning that. Just look at Aurora, look at Connecticut! It’s the freedom of speech which Americans can’t bother to point straight.”

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“Honey Boo Boo” star Alana Thompson dead at seven

The late Honey Boo Boo poses for judges on the reality TV show Toddlers and Tiaras.
The late Honey Boo Boo poses for judges on the reality TV show Toddlers and Tiaras.

ATLANTA–Alana Thompson, known to millions as “Honey Boo Boo,” passed away Tuesday morning from medical problems related to childhood obesity. She was seven. Grieving family members have forsworn their poor diets and addiction to energy drinks. “We ain’t drinkin’ that poison go go juice no more. They dun’ took little Honey Boo Boo Child away, and they ain’t gonna take no more of us,” said June “Mama” Shannon.

The nation has turned its attention to its diet in light of this tragedy, and calls to outlaw dangerous soft drinks have flooded legislators. “Soda is killing our children, and they are our future. We’re going to have to either tax or outlaw sugary drinks,” said Joe Biden.

Some critics are skeptical about these calls for a crackdown on unhealthy drinks. Nutritional expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The death of this child, it’s a tragedy, but I don’t believe she died because of soft drinks. Soft drinks bring vigor and pep to everyday life and cleanse the mouth of dangerous rot. If anything, it was all that spaghetti, ketchup, and butter. Nothing good can come of a high calorie diet so devoid of nutrients.”

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Dancing Outlaw Jesco White Dead at 59

Bandytown, W.Va — Fans mourn iconic West Virginia wild-man Jesco White, who died at his Boone County home after inhaling twin doses of lighter fluid and gas fumes Saturday.

Fans received a rude awakening who believed White finally got clean following the successes of Jescofest, a festival held in his honor, and the most recent Johnny Knoxville documentary “The Wild and Wonderful Whites.”

Jesco White was on a super double high.
“I was on a super double high.”

Documentary footage portrayed a clean and sober man, skirting only the throes of a very real cocaine addiction. No footage of inhalant abuse was released, so the news caught many off guard.

“I thought he was just on the cocaine,” said Bandytown resident Deanna Warrick, 33.

Authorities said they found White dead in the “Elvis room” – a wall-to-wall shrine of Elvis memorabilia erected by White as a monument to his bottomless rage.

For years, friends knew White suffered depression in the wake of the death of his wife, Norma Jean, but said they did not intervene because they did not know he was huffing paint thinner and gasoline, and feared physical assault.

“We didn’t want no trouble,” said Boyd Denton, 56, “we just wanted to believe Jesco was okay. But he wasn’t. He never was.”

A drug saturated private ceremony is being planned by the White family.