Month: August 2013

Categories
Health News

Take the Troubadour Challenge

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Sup fellow dudes? I bet ya can’t finish a single round of Civilization V in one sitting.

Hi, I’m Angstrom H. Troubadour, M.D. I’m here to invite you to take the Troubadour Challenge.

The Troubadour Challenge is an annual event held twice yearly, every six weeks out of the month. We here at the chronicle.su bet YOU can’t complete a single game of Civilization V in one sitting.

It is well documented that sitting in one place drinking sugary drinks for hours, days, or even weeks at a time, is good for your health. Lebal Drocer Labs produced data to suggest prolonged stages of sedentary near-motionlessness can have a hugely positive impact on internal organs and digestive health. The Troubadour Challenge is a fun way to improve the risk of cardiovascular disease while having fun at the same time!

As a reward to those who stay up all night long drinking Bosnian coffee and beer to complete my challenge, the chronicle.su is flying YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES out to into the hairiest war zone of your choice. That’s right. YOU get to pick which hot bed of violence we fly you out to!

If you can contain Gandhi’s nuclear army for 50 turns, pull off a culture-tourism victory and shame a civilization into embargo, we’ll even throw in a return ticket, First Class, free of charge.

You must document your quest using IRS Form 2553, keeping careful notation of turns as you crawl toward glorious victory, or embarrassing defeat.

You must make no reference to chronicle.su or Lebal Drocer subsidiaries, and you may not allude to your intentions on the form and submit it electronically via eFile to the Virginia Corporation Commission, or your results will be thrown out. Furthermore, by participating in this contest you will be subject to retaliatory litigation by our lawyers.

The Troubadour Challenge is a proven weight loss method. Don’t even stop to eat. I guarantee it!

Take the Troubadour Challenge today!

Categories
Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Texan newborn charged with murder after absorption of twin

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin brother in his mother's womb.
Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.

HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”

Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”

The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”

Categories
News

Dog the Bounty Hunter tortured and murdered by KGB

Dog The Bounty Hunter was captured by the KGB on live television and tortured, to the delight of Snowden fans.

When Bradley Manning apologized for doing harm to the nation, a legion of supporters who spent the past two years proving such a thing was impossible lost their minds. Before posting a torrent of grainy old pictures of Manning as a child, many said, “How dare you criticize Manning for apologizing.  He is not your icon, he is a human!”

Forget the Stalinist Show Trial and the cell tower neuromodulation mind control. It’s obvious we can’t trust a word Manning says anymore, so we’re left to grieve over photos of him as an incorruptible child. We ought to be talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. Didn’t you hear? He’s sniffing around in Russia for a billion dollar bounty on Snowden. Fans of Snowden naturally are not too impressed with Dog, but they are singing high praise for the KGB’s potential brutal torture and murder of Dog. Because, you know, fans of Snowden are fans of freedom.

But Dog isn’t really going to Russia, and the KGB no longer exists. Too bad, because I wanted to see someone opposed to Snowden brutalized on television. Maybe we can look at how Barrett Brown and Anonymous exposed many things that may have been as significant as Snowden’s revelations but never got the time in the spotlight. I mean, you can’t really trust those Anonymous pranksters not to stick some fake file in there when they’re already in your PlayStation ruining your game of Call of Duty. What would you do if you were charged with popularizing leaks for that kind of an organization? Other than spending a huge amount of effort denying he’s done just that, Barrett Brown threatened an FBI agent and his family in a set of videos so he could capture his own arrest, live on video chat. But of course that didn’t get him the attention that waiting a few months could have. Democracy Now and other unbiased activist news sources like Russia Today can’t mention that incident now that Brown is a sideshow to Snowden. However, Brown is just like Socrates, and to be clear, all he did was post a link! 

Forget about Snowden’s lost leaks on subterranean UFO civilizations, HAARP, and Chemtrails. Those are illusions created by the Elites, just like Bradley Manning’s apology and all of Barrett Brown’s threats and lies. This is just like the Matrix, only Real! Take a red pill to filter out the lies, but don’t be disappointed when you find out Reality is just a heap of secret government documents in a big tent filled with petulant, mendacious, power-obsessed armchair activists dying to string Dog the Bounty Hunter up and celebrate his slow suffering at the hands of Snowden’s KGB protectors.