Month: February 2014

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News

GCHQ doubles down on "Rolling Thunder" DDoS attacks

anonymous
We are ruled by a shadow government.

INTERNET — Snowden’s newest revelation showed the UK’s GCHQ operates a Denial of Service program dubbed “Rolling Thunder” which targeted and shut down AnonOps IRC, a centralized meeting place for Anonymous activists around the world.

Ethical hacking expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “DDoS is the very lowest form of hacking. That is, if you can even call it that. Basically a huge flood of traffic is dispatched to disable a server and anything else in its path. Hackers who carry out these kinds of attacks are known as ‘skids’, a portmanteau of script and kiddies — skids are everywhere shamed and considered the least skilled hackers imaginable.”

Activists from Anonymous face astounding and severe punishments for DDoS attacks, sometimes as much as ten years, as these attacks are assigned a terrorist level threat to national security in the US and UK. However, hackers at the GCHQ who have co-opted the DDoS tactic and turned it against Anonymous face no such punishment, sparking an intense response from Anonymous fans and bloggers. Police forces in both the UK and America have long been known to break the law in order to enforce the law, and some of criticism has been aimed at this age old contradiction, but the level at which innocent bystanders caught in the packet crossfire and non-criminal activists who operated on AnonOps were harmed by these DDoS attacks may never be fully known.

An anonymous GCHQ spokesperson, however, responded to Snowden’s allegations and the resulting storm of criticisms Wednesday morning, telling reporters via encrypted e-mail message, “The GCHQ will DDoS as it sees fit, and just to show Anonymous we mean business, right now we’re taking down their precious 4chan web site. The GCHQ does not forgive. It does not forget. Expect us.”

Categories
News World

Fracking to blame for recent volcanic activity, says Snowden

Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.
Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.

NORTH DAKOTA — NSA leaker and hacker Edward Snowden came forward with new documents outlining a military fracking program designed to disrupt the Earth’s crust in order to relieve an impending eruption at Yellowstone National Park, home to the world’s largest supervolcano.

“These documents show that the military has been tampering with the crust in a way the government believes would lead to more volcanic eruptions in other parts of the globe,” Snowden told reporters.

Glenn Greenwald, Snowden-leak spokesman, told Twitter followers the eruptions are a tactic used by the government in an NSA-facilitated assassination plot.

“I’ve felt small earthquakes under my feet, targeting me out for weeks now. So has Snowden, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras.”

“This supervolcano, if it blew, could destroy the entire continental united states, sinking them beneath the sea like the lost city of Atlantis. We may relieve pressure on Yellowstone and cause other volcanoes to erupt, as we’ve seen in the past week,” said military geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Clear evidence to support Troubadour’s claims were witnessed by millions in violent eruptions at both Ecuador’s Tungurahua Volcano and Mount Sinabung in Indonesia this weekend.

CIA Director David Patreus said fracking keeps America out of harm’s way.

“Strategic fracking disrupts the local ecologies of neighboring third-world countries. What’s called ‘ecological terror-fracking’ is turning out to be an indespensible tool of Al-Qaida terrorists. We’re just doing it better and more efficiently.”

“The reason we want to police fracking anywhere else in the world, even as we practice it ourselves,” Patreus added,”Well, it’s a national security concern.”

By preserving Yellowstone National Park, Patreus said America can hold off selling the preserve to Nabisco for “at least another seven or eight years.”

One Direction performed a relief concert for the victims of Edward Snowden outside Taminy Hall, in a show of solidarity with the brave men and women behind worldwide US fracking.

Other anti-Snowden protests are scheduled to occur in major cities around the world Saturday, including NYC, Kiev and Moscow.

Categories
World

Obama to Award BP Executive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Tony Hayward was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”

When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”

Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”

[pullquote]”After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”

BP Internal Affairs

[/pullquote]

Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”

The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”

The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.

This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.