Author: Kilgoar
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I forgot about 9/11
A sleight old man next to me furtively glanced around the sanctuary as if on high alert, looking for salvation in the shadows of a stained glass window. The pastor droned about a terrible event that happened on this day, no doubt mythological, but I had long ago tuned him out. These people in the church were shifting their moods by the minute, paranoid, then grief-stricken, then blissfully in awe of something the pastor revealed about God’s whatever. The church was perfectly calm on any normal Sunday, and I could not help but wonder.
“What’s the big deal?” I asked the excited old man, in a hushed voice. He took a sharp tone with me and announced with a completely unacceptable volume, “Jesus Christ! You didn’t know it’s the tenth anniversary of 9/11?”
I immediately felt incredibly guilty for all those innocent people’s lives. Memories came flooding back. This was the day when everything changed. When those towers fell, they fell on all of America. How could I have forgotten?
The entire church now knew I had committed the ultimate sin. I had forgotten 9/11. Darting, paranoid eyes trained on me and the walls closed in. Stained glass windows became vicious demons intensely bearing down on me. The preacher stared knowingly into my eyes and gestured towards hell. This was the worst moment of my life.
Honestly, I didn’t know why 9/11 was so important to these people. It’s not like any of them even knew anyone who died on 9/11. At first, I decided they were all just mad that I was not grieving over some dumb terrorist attack from 10 years ago, but then I realized these people were mourning 9/11 because it helped them continue to believe in America’s invincibility. 9/11 was a divine test that America failed, and by forgetting, I had failed again. This realization filled me with unfiltered dread. I could take this hellish sanctuary no longer. I ducked out of my pew and headed down the aisle. Hateful glares, even from children, filled my entire field of vision.
I have lost all faith in God and my mind is under siege from hateful demons. There is only one logical course and that is to fall into the hands of Satan.
Goodbye, world.
There are a myriad of solid reasons NOT to enjoy sexual pleasure on 9/11, such as safety, respect and religious zeal. Even more importantly, everyone knows that those who engage in sexual activity on 9/11 do not care about all the innocent people who died on 9/11. It was the day that everything changed. When those towers came down, American flags came out. Even so, one must completely refrain from masturbation, intercourse, and all forms of sexual stimulation on 9/11 in order to observe the holiday righteously.
First of all, it’s 9/11. Terror alerts will be raised and threats will be made. 9/11 is not a day on which it is wise to let one’s guard down. By masturbating or having sex on 9/11, citizens will put themselves in danger. Don’t take the risk of being caught unprepared. In the likely event of a terror attack, masturbation or sex is a deadly mistake. Stay safe on 9/11.
Secondly, how could anyone even masturbate with the endless inescapable thoughts of the innocent dead? Only a twisted and disturbed individual would be able to achieve orgasm on 9/11. It is despicable for anyone to forget about 9/11. Everyone knows the first rule of 9/11 is never forget, and breaking that rule is just as bad as having sex on 9/11. The guilt and shame should be so pervasive as to completely eliminate any Patriotic American’s sex drive.
Thirdly, we must remember always that Jesus is watching. Jesus might let a little masturbation slip by every now and then, but know that masturbation on 9/11 will earn you his hatred and a ticket straight to hell. Should a child be conceived on 9/11, the implications could be dangerous, if not deadly. At the very least, the child would likely grow up to become a converted Muslim. Worst case scenario, the evil of a couple knowingly enjoying sex on 9/11 would create a demonic portal through which the devil could plant the seed of the Antichrist. Fucking on 9/11 could mean the end of the world.
If someone enjoys sexual pleasure on 9/11, it is immediately apparent to those of us who are appropriately guilt-ridden and fear-stricken. The person who defiles 9/11 appears smarmy and cock-sure as if he or she has forgotten about 9/11. The devil turns bodies into empty casks and fills them with demons. Don’t even think of masturbating on 9/11.