Author: Kilgoar

Categories
Special Interest Technology

Behind the Scenes at Elf Wax Times


CUTHBERT GEORGIA-

The staff at Elf Wax Times takes the job of bringing you accurate new insight into present-day issues like terrorism and the ever nearing apocalypse, but today we’re taking a little time out of the normal grind to show you, our readers, about how we bring you so much truth with so little work.

The Elf Wax Times is updated daily from our secret headquarters in a location too dangerous to disclose. In our early days, we updated our site by abusing public libraries and were soon barred from using public computers by insidious government officials trying to destroy the freedom of press. The EWT trips key phrases in the NSA supercomputers at a more efficient rate each and every day, as our team of computer scientists devise new ways to trick users into finding us through Google. Windows 3.1 is the EWT’s operating system of choice because our office computers are scavenged entirely from dumpsters. A small portion of our editorial staff still prefer the even more useless MAC OS 1. The banal and function-oriented computer systems we employ eliminate any activity that may deter from our tireless efforts to reveal all conspiracies as truth.

When our reporters are given an assignment, we like to take a liberal stance on due dates and content. Our writers do not try to complete their postings within a given amount of time, because time is really just an illusion which is obviously a very bad foundation for truth to be built upon. In addition, certain topics which may appear unrelated are in actuality a paradoxical synesthesia of ideologies. In laymen’s terms, this means that Elf Wax Times does not use normal conventional methods of reporting. We tackle abstract issues abstractly rather than rationally, and rational issues by exposing irrationality. In essence, we fabricate a truth which gives a greater understanding than conventional truth. We are confident that our readers will remain assured that our writer’s compensated version of reality provides the average reader with a greater grasp of the truth than other more conventional news sources.

Categories
Health News Science World

General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead


General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador

Categories
Health Local News Science Status Quo World

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.”
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”