Author: Kilgoar

Categories
Health Science

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.

Categories
Local Politics

Why Hussein Is Fucking America

As we all know, Barack Hussein Obama has purposefully begun his career by attacking America’s core values and principles with his decree to allow baby-killings, gay marriages, and practice of Islam. This all makes sense insofar as Hussein is a leftist hippie freak who believes in Marxism, a synonym for evil. However, as an alleged American citizen, one would expect his destructive economic policies to be in conflict with his own ambition to rule the entire world. This is a very tough question posing itself in the mind of true Americans who voted for Sarah Palin. Why would you destroy your own seat of power, Hussein?

Well, I found a few answers on the Cavalcade of Conflictedness that were really helpful, but they do bear a little supplement. All these quotes are copywright Liz Smith, and will quickly be detected as plagiarism by Copyscape, even though they are credited quotes of public statements.

“He wants to kill the old people and have all the rest of us die like shoeless beggars in Africa with his useless UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PLAN” -LIZ SMITH

In Hussein’s mind, it is not fair that only Africans should die this way, America must be on equal footing with the third world. Because we have ignored the problems of peoples in the third world, Hussein wishes to punish us with the poor health care that the shoeless beggars he sprung from receive.

“He wants to roll out the welcome mat for the terrorists by reducing spending to protect our borders and ports.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein knows a thing or two about power gathering. If he wants to really rule the world, what he needs is another 9/11. Hussein doesn’t mind if a few million people die to an atomic bombing, so long as he gets to rule the world. Additionally, everyone knows Hussein is a sympathizer for the terrorists and probably an agent for Al-Qaeda.

“He is going to destroy the economy further by micromanaging the auto and energy industries to advance the radical agenda of these lying “green” Nazis.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein’s original plan to expropriate these industries for massive government profit has totally failed. Hussein has only been able to buy out majority shares in the auto industry without receiving any new kind of control at all. In a genius Public-Relations move, Hussein fired the manager of General Motors and changed nothing at all. Taking a page from Hussein’s playbook, his rival for world domination has publicly humiliated the chief Aluminum Oligarch of Russia. Putin has made a bold move by keeping the status quo even more intact, while scoring a Public-Relations grand slam. Vladimir Putin is such an awesome dude. The lying “Green” Nazis have been too busy gassing jews with poisons taken from America’s streambeds and riverbanks to comment for the Elf Wax Times. Our sources say the “Green” Nazis and Islamofascist Nazis have joined forces and are planning an imminent attack.

“Bailouts and gross spending of money that America does not have. He wants to break the backs of Americans for the next 75 years.” -LIZ SMITH

Poor people are easier to control when you’re taking over the world, and the quickest way to make people poor is to spend lots of money on them. This effectively makes money a worthless commodity that no one values and leads to communes full of hippies that support themselves in every way. These communes may be a part of Hussein’s plan to create terrorist camps right here in the United States. These camps will be answerable to Hussein’s hippie terrorist Czar, Bill Ayers.

The last reason, but not the least of reasons-in fact it’s the only reason that is clearly stated without the supplement I have provided-I have already explained. Vladimir Putin is a badass and Hussein wants in on it. Liz Smith might think this is idiotic, but I admire Hussein for his rabid ambition and hope he takes over the entire world within my lifetime.

“Fascism and Big Government looks cool to him…what an idiot.” – LIZ SMITH


Big government doesn’t look cool? Don’t say that to his face.

Categories
News Science

Bigfoot: The Question Remains

Foreword:
As Chief Cryptozoology expert at Elf Wax, I’ve been on the hunt for proof of Bigfoot for years. Lately, some hoaxes have become so complex and convincing, that the truth is actually less detailed and accurate than the hoax itself. Can a hoax be so perfectly orchestrated that the truth of the matter fades into oblivion? I think so.

Project Gigantopithecus

Say we were to take a group of Gorillas and genetically engineer them. This has been done with less sophisticated primates by Japanese research groups, and the animals have not been rendered sterile. In fact, there is a breeding population that has been given a gene that makes the animals glow in the dark. These phosphorescent freak-show monkeys serve no purpose, and no one really wants them to be. What we do need on this planet, obviously, are bipedal gorillas with near-human intelligence. The real problem lies in defeating the skeptical science community that simply does not believe in Bigfoot.

Bigfoot Walks Again!

The first phase will involve proof. A single specimen must be created from a Gorilla fetus in a lab to specifications which have already been stated. That is, we need a dead Bigfoot baby, and we need to drop it off where someone will pick it up in the wild. Once this is accomplished, Bigfoot can be put on the endangered species list, and public funding will pick up the bill for the rest of the plan. A highly intelligent and viable population of bipedal Gorillas must be released into North America, at the expense of the taxpayer.

Bigfoot – A Damn Communist?

The consequences of a Bigfoot population living at peace, in the wild, may stir ideological sentiments in a majority of our population, leading to a Velvet Communist Revolution. This is the part of the hoax where things may get dicey. Rush Limbaugh will likely call for an open season on the noble Bigfoot until they are all dead. Sean Hannity may release thousands of Bald Eagle clones trained to peck out the eyes of apes. We don’t know the kind of backlash that Bigfoot’s release will create, but there are ways to prepare. Arm Bigfoot with assault rifles, and train them in Guerilla combat. This will put off the hunters, and the eagles may have to find other apes to attack on the North American continent.

Wait, won’t this plan just result in a terrible planet of the Apes style scenario?

You betcha.