Author: Kilgoar

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Categories
News Politics

How to Maintain Power

You’ve risen to power and have begun your regime by ordering society the way you see most fit. Perhaps you’ve stolen an election, denied freedom of the press, or even set the wheels of genocide in motion. No one said that consolidating power is easy, but you’ve done what you had to do and I don’t blame you.

And now, those bastards you pulled out of the gutters have decided they don’t know what is good for them. They’re speaking out against your actions and at some point you knew it would come to this. The people have amassed in your capital and are staging daily protests against your policies.

The first thing you can try to do is shut down media sources. Pull the plug on the information flow and disable the internet. Shut down phone lines and imprison any who are responsible for printing dissident material. Usually this will stop the life blood of your peon’s insurrection quite quickly. There may be dwindling protests for another day, but they will lose heart and you have almost guaranteed that their movement will not grow.

State controlled media is your best tool in this hour, and you should let the propaganda flow like what was left of last night’s Taco Bell. Any protest always represents a vast minority of public opinion, and while the protests are currently non-violent, the protesters must be represented as the escalating faction. Blame the hated political faction of your region whether they be Communists or Capitalists. Any fear you can generate will be a great aid to your power.

In some cases, protests may still occur even after you have taken care of dissident leaders and disabled all communication. This is a sign that you will most likely have to take extra measures. DO NOT BE HASTY IN PUTTING DOWN THE INSURRECTION. There is a list of things you must do before taking care of the uprising to ensure your country’s continued existence.

Firstly, have your secret police remove any foreign reporters immediately. Be extremely careful that not even one reporter leaks a single image or word after a certain point. Jail them if completely necessary, but do not treat them with the iron fist you are about to unleash upon your people. The less they have to tell, the better.

Make a gesture of goodwill to the protesters so that your propaganda machine will be able to paint you in a positive light. Do not attempt to appease the protesters, as they want to change your agenda. You must offer them a trifling insult of what they are illegally petitioning you for-an act of graceful enlightenment in the face of their ugly hatred. You can now continue with the last phase of dealing with your insurrection.

By this point, the protesters will have resorted to petty acts of violence as a way to get your attention. This is where you let the hammer fall, and let it fall hard. Even in China, the threat of military force has only angered and outraged citizens into further dissidence. Do not attempt to threaten with force at all. The protesters will assemble around the clock in their angry desperation and you can take advantage of this. Wait until the dark of night and cut off the power grid. At this point, you can let the tank treads do the rest.

Drawing on the successes and failures of other countries, I have outlined the bare essentials of putting down an insurrection. There may be many other factors involved in different situations, but remember: You know best, because you are the leader. Otherwise, you would not be in control.

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Categories
Health Science

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.

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Categories
Local Politics

Why Hussein Is Fucking America

As we all know, Barack Hussein Obama has purposefully begun his career by attacking America’s core values and principles with his decree to allow baby-killings, gay marriages, and practice of Islam. This all makes sense insofar as Hussein is a leftist hippie freak who believes in Marxism, a synonym for evil. However, as an alleged American citizen, one would expect his destructive economic policies to be in conflict with his own ambition to rule the entire world. This is a very tough question posing itself in the mind of true Americans who voted for Sarah Palin. Why would you destroy your own seat of power, Hussein?

Well, I found a few answers on the Cavalcade of Conflictedness that were really helpful, but they do bear a little supplement. All these quotes are copywright Liz Smith, and will quickly be detected as plagiarism by Copyscape, even though they are credited quotes of public statements.

“He wants to kill the old people and have all the rest of us die like shoeless beggars in Africa with his useless UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PLAN” -LIZ SMITH

In Hussein’s mind, it is not fair that only Africans should die this way, America must be on equal footing with the third world. Because we have ignored the problems of peoples in the third world, Hussein wishes to punish us with the poor health care that the shoeless beggars he sprung from receive.

“He wants to roll out the welcome mat for the terrorists by reducing spending to protect our borders and ports.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein knows a thing or two about power gathering. If he wants to really rule the world, what he needs is another 9/11. Hussein doesn’t mind if a few million people die to an atomic bombing, so long as he gets to rule the world. Additionally, everyone knows Hussein is a sympathizer for the terrorists and probably an agent for Al-Qaeda.

“He is going to destroy the economy further by micromanaging the auto and energy industries to advance the radical agenda of these lying “green” Nazis.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein’s original plan to expropriate these industries for massive government profit has totally failed. Hussein has only been able to buy out majority shares in the auto industry without receiving any new kind of control at all. In a genius Public-Relations move, Hussein fired the manager of General Motors and changed nothing at all. Taking a page from Hussein’s playbook, his rival for world domination has publicly humiliated the chief Aluminum Oligarch of Russia. Putin has made a bold move by keeping the status quo even more intact, while scoring a Public-Relations grand slam. Vladimir Putin is such an awesome dude. The lying “Green” Nazis have been too busy gassing jews with poisons taken from America’s streambeds and riverbanks to comment for the Elf Wax Times. Our sources say the “Green” Nazis and Islamofascist Nazis have joined forces and are planning an imminent attack.

“Bailouts and gross spending of money that America does not have. He wants to break the backs of Americans for the next 75 years.” -LIZ SMITH

Poor people are easier to control when you’re taking over the world, and the quickest way to make people poor is to spend lots of money on them. This effectively makes money a worthless commodity that no one values and leads to communes full of hippies that support themselves in every way. These communes may be a part of Hussein’s plan to create terrorist camps right here in the United States. These camps will be answerable to Hussein’s hippie terrorist Czar, Bill Ayers.

The last reason, but not the least of reasons-in fact it’s the only reason that is clearly stated without the supplement I have provided-I have already explained. Vladimir Putin is a badass and Hussein wants in on it. Liz Smith might think this is idiotic, but I admire Hussein for his rabid ambition and hope he takes over the entire world within my lifetime.

“Fascism and Big Government looks cool to him…what an idiot.” – LIZ SMITH


Big government doesn’t look cool? Don’t say that to his face.