Categories
Author: Hatesec
I am the hatest
Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.
With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.
Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”
“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.
“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”
In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”
[pullquote]Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.
Lord Jesus God[/pullquote]
Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.'”
Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.
Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.
“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”
Ashley Johnson, born again Christian
Categories
Good News and Bad News
Oh and by the way
The possibility of America changing from within is estimated to within 1/1000 margin-of-error by Chronicle standards to be “literally much, much lower” than the Second Coming of The Lord Jesus Christ which George Bush pointed to as his exit strategy for Iraq.
I am too pessimistic to allow for the possibility of anyone possibly actually really working within what I perceive to be a broken system. And when I say broken I mean sand in the gears, and every grain is a greedy corner-cutting fascist with friends who own businesses and legislate fairly enough to the highest bidder and BOTHER with the collective, peon masses of which I include myself.
I take only small pleasure in carving out a living exposing politicians as the two-dimensional shit-eating grinners they are, mainly because of the horrible truths which follow the gay coyness of any given situation in which I find myself being lied to.
That said, working within the system is a matter of working entirely by rules which aren’t written, ignoring the ones that are, and leaving no trace of in-congruence along the way. We’ve been taught all our lives to make excuses bending over backwards to supply to our common enemies every benefit of the doubt just to taste shit in our mouths in the now-compromising position of total subservience to the corporation state.
Dig in! Stay vigilant! Erase debt! Let politics go, but never, ever, give up the personal fight.
Die for an inch, and fill it with satire!
–Raghubir Goyal, Chronicle.su Internal Affairs, United Armed Worker’s Movement, CHRONICLE.SU