Categories
News

gmail.com – we got nothing for you

hello internet. this is yo8ur captain speaking. i am hate sec and i have literally nothing for you. NOTHING. in my little hate soul was left for YOU because you weren’t good enough, but you’re all such excellent readers and i’d really liike to commend my staff for the wonderful work they’ve done.

what emoji would you use to describe the all new lebal drocer cruise line?

shea came up tp me with this logo earlier, it was a series of icons for the hypermart which was fucking … just too much for me at that time but honestly not too bad, either. i briefly saw a drawing of a woodstove, also, but truth be told I could barely look at the paper because the lights in the room were attacking me from all sides. every photon was an assaulting encroachment upon my dignity. an affront to my own sanity. we turned the lights off as we left, i assume.

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su
Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies.

she and brian together pouring over this logo was cute overload. but so were the lights, my god, those lights. THOSE LIGHTS!

all the lights are off, now. all of them but this one. this is the only true light, and i ordered it be kept on. it sits on the porch as a beacon for all to recognize. our city on the hill. this house on the mountain. this shining light. the only true light. if i could describe this feeling to you, it wouldn’t be worth experiencing.

this crazy ass nemelka character wants us to think these feelings belong to a single deity, or a person or a god or a drug. .4

as if it were so easy, i made a promise that i could meet every woman’s sexual needs, even in an army of women. it was a funny thought, but just imagine it. a funny execution. a funny, never-ending orgy…

the thought of these women clamboring at my smartphone dating apps like piranha …. i look at the phone and it’s like, yeah, “go ahead and grab that scorpion while the stinger’s out” …. She seems like a nice enough lady but god damn, could sex be any more empty…or what does that mean, right to be connected to sex by a dating app? is it any less valid? obviously not. it feels great to come inside people, but the written word is not so romantic anymore, is it? it’s a poisonous reach for power. with every clause i introduce, another agreement you sign by reading on. that’s why you don’t use introductory clauses in journalism, because who has time for that?

let’s get to the fucking already, you know?

From this point of view, Trump is every bit as feathery and faggy as any forefather in a powdered wig, and he doesn’t even need the powder, just a slave on the end of his dick and he’s alright. look at this champ, seriously.

i don’t have use sfor him. he’s a fucking animal. n ape you could stuff into a cage and kill it whenever you decide a lil boy got too close. he’s an object of corporate greed, not the greed itself, that’s all i am saying people, ok, I’m not challenging any belief structures, am I? I’m not breaking through new realms of consciousness with this whole “trump is an animal” routine, am I? Because stop me if you’ve heard this:

It’s just a game that people play.

we impregnate each other with these games. don’t let the hate fool you, I am very much a being of pure light. before I existed i was truth brought into ignorance. I am the new way forward. Join me, Electric Citizens, as we march into the future!

FISTS IN THE AIR

CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON

Categories
Entertainment

US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds a hard carapace, revealing a slick, soft hide. It is as dark and supple as fresh eggplant. He takes a slime bath, half-listening to automated daily reports from the Drone Front.

“Minions come,” Secret Service reports. “They bring mad skills, and street smarts, to boot!”

Challenge them, the President orders. “Best them in rhyme, lest they receive a smackdown, as I lay the beat down in straight time.”


Stop. Does this scenario sound familiar?

Presidents have long faced threat of impromptu rap battles with constituents in hotly contested Mean Streets, going as far back as William Taft, whose infamous red-pill flow eradicated flappers before the end of his presidency in 1930.

Evelyn Bruckheimer, 109 years old, recalls the William H. ‘Daft’ Taft Brooklyn smackdown of 1928.

“It was balls to the wall rhymes, son,” Bruckheimer said. “It was the literally the worst thing to happen to New York that decade; that is, until the Stock Market Crash of ’29.”

New sources indicate Taft’s explosive rhymes triggered a speculation frenzy, crashing markets within the year.

“As bad as it was, people didn’t self-immolate because the stock market [emphasis added] ruined their lives,” Bruckheimer confessed. “You want to know the truth? Taft’s mix-tape was straight fire, G. Believe me.”

Wise up on the streets, Mr. President, or it could happen to you. Can Obama rhyme like Taft? I am not ready to find out.

This has been a public service announcement by Lebal Drocer. Busting out the baby rhymes since them elfwax days. And confused.

Categories
News

Child raised by monkeys ‘better off’ without human family

rhesus macaque
For years a noble group of savage monkeys raised a baby as their own.

LOS ANGELES – Investigators working on an impromptu scientific study have determined a boy found living among our furry primate cousins is actually “better off” than if his original human parents, the Smiths, had raised him as their own.

Separated at birth by a freak accidental abandonment at an old mine shaft, George was taken in by a rhesus macaque monkey collective.

George’s stunted development and love for bananas shows how his primal upbringing blocked his ability to use language and left him severely retarded. However, their conclusions show that despite those glaring limitations, George will have a better life than if he had lived under the oppressive rules of the Smiths’ uncool, regressive shithouse.

“He would have blown that joint,” said Lebal Drocer, Inc. Head of Teenage Rebellion Development Angstrom H. Troubadele. “He woulda been badass.”

Totally nude, George hurled his feces at chronicle.su brokers gathered nearby. They were placing bets on his black market value, speculating on real human trafficking shit. They based their bets on the puritanical insanity of the Smiths, his human family.

“They didn’t love nobody,” a former neighbor recalled. “They hated the world and themselves. They hated genitals.”

“See, he’s fucking badass though, and that’s why nobody could sell him,” Troubadele said. “George wouldn’t go for that shit. George goes for the face and eyes. George ain’t property.”

Chronicle executives were overheard commenting, “We’ll slap an RFID chip in that motherfucker and blow this joint. I don’t have all day to sit around babysitting mongoloids. Bitch I work state media. I got dental to think about.”

George is expected to be allowed to live peacefully among his primate foster family, until such time as he is tapped by the exclusive and hip Lebal Drocer Laboratories for testing, whereupon he will be stripped from his mother’s arms and carried off for intensive job site training in retail.

George’s story is part of a continuing series, Puppy Monkey Baby, brought to you by chronicle.su

This story was delivered unto you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – bringing you the finest in real news quality. No seeds. No stems.

It’s dank journalism.