Thursday, th3j35t3r decided to reveal what a truly pitiful charlatan he is. In d0xing the Chronicle, th3j35t3r was so incredibly full of fail that I actually felt embarrassed for him. Although most of us write under pseudonyms here at the Chronicle, we do not attempt to conceal our identity like th3j35t3r because we aren’t criminals. There’s really no point in d0xing us, except perhaps as part of a veiled threat. And we do not fear th3j35t3r.
A mouth-breathing little twerp could figure out who we are just by looking around the site a little. In fact, it’s happened before. Skiddie fanboys of Anonymous repeatedly published the name of one of our former writers with no good reason. In response to their stupidity, I anonymously posted my own fabricated d0x on AnonNews and fooled the hivemind completely. Every time I insulted Anonymous, they posted the d0x and I laughed at their gullibility. It is well documented that I created those d0x as a joke, and th3j35t3r published them anyway, unwittingly trolling himself into oblivion. He is less skilled than the average rage-filled teenybopper Anon.
I am better at d0xing myself than th3j35t3r is.
If that wasn’t stupid enough, th3j35t3r also published the information of innocent people to maintain his increasingly fragile pretense of skilled hacktivism. Niall Coffey has never written an article for us, and Alexi Halloway is just a random Facebook fan. Oh noez! Th3j35t3r has revealed the secret identities of the first few people who liked the Chronicle on Facebook. What an elite hacker!
Th3j35t3r is unable to strike at Chronicle.SU in any meaningful way, so he’s become desperate to protect his ego. He tattled on us to Blue Host and complained about how we’ve violated the terms of service. What a motherfucking elite hacker!
The d0xing and the snitching have had no effect on the Glorious Chronicle, as th3j35t3r can’t harm us in any way. If he had any fans, we might be concerned, but apparently he has only two or three.
Lacking the necessary skills required to hack and deface the glorious and infallible Chronicle.SU, th3j35t3r resorted to snitching to our web host’s Twitter account, thinking they would share her butthurt after we reported what an impotent dick she is. Nice “hacking” Jester.
The Jester is only capable of attacking outmoded Apache servers based in the Third World. This is why she carved a niche attacking Jihadist websites. Because Islamic extremists hate technology, they don’t even use websites, but they know a guy who, for a wheelbarrow of opium, will throw something together on Apache 1.0.
The Jester attacks these sites using XerXes, some piece of shit offshoot of a real program called SlowLoris, which requires no computer skills and only a basic knowledge of websites to operate. XerXes is so easy, a caveman could abuse it.
XerXes just serves to provide the Jester with a lame hobby – some superficial claim to fame that, in a best case scenario, might get that pussy wet if she knows how to brag to drunk easy kills at the nearby drunkhouse. But we have it on good faith that, contrary to popular belief she is a female, the Jester is a bald middle-aged male who masturbates to child porn on the darknet. However, the presumption that th3j35t3r possesses the technological prowess to navigate the darknet is far-fetched.
The Jester is not helping anybody. He’s only hurting people. If this is funny, then you are a dick, like the Jester. Which is totally cool, but still. You’re a dick. And The Jester is a narc.
People on the outside who just watch CNN and hear the name think anonymous is this group of White Knights when really they’re just trolls. Hateful, hateful trolls with ugly guts who eat happiness and shit hate. And that’s their good side.
Anonymous, with a capital A, is the dogshit anonymous responsible for the scientology embarrassments, icanhazcheezburger, and more. Publishing as #lulzteamsix or #antisex [their true identity] and #lumpthemalltogether because #nobodygivesashitanymore #soletsjustagreetocallthemvirgins, anonymous released another long wordy decree about nothing today, and somewhere, a primetime audience laughed hysterically.
So, like a small child who made all the adults laugh by doing something embarrassingly stupid, they just kept releasing these documents. And releasing them. Like a fish expelling eggs into the water, anonymous flooded the slow side of the internet with their stinky ignorant rotten press releases. And then it wasn’t funny anymore.
These messages to the world answer questions about anonymous that nobody asked, with explanations so frivolous and long-winded, the text-to-speech software is forced to take a deep breath and ask, “Really, dude? Really?” Nobody cares what anonymous is. Not even the FBI. Not even the people you’re trying to help. Nobody gives a flying nunfuck.
One episode of The Decree About Nothing pushed the old limits of allowable youtube videos by filling over eleven minutes with meaningless diatribe. The decree about nothing can be found below [be warned: watching this is a waste of time]:
It’s like one of those religious videos about Jesus.
“Expect us.” to what, exactly? Order a pizza to my house? SQL inject a fucking website? Republish publicly available information, like a pithy list containing the names and addresses of harmlessly impotent cops?
Early on in their “movement,” when Anonymous was charged with being “the Group About Nothing” they actually compiled a list of publicly records from the ALEC and US Chamber of Commerce and released them as “leaks.” Turns out, it was really just a sleight at Barrett Brown, who is considered so full of fail, not even Anonymous wanted him as their leader. They encrypted the torrent using his name and phone number as passwords. In light of these facts, we here at the Chronicle.SU objectively acknowledge that this is hilarious and probably the greatest thing Anonymous has ever done.
We are Anonymous, the group about nothing We are a Legion of jokers, college freshmen, and script kiddies We do not forgive our mommies for not buying us that new videogame, and ignoring our subsequent pleas We do not forget the time daddy wasn’t there Expect us to write more trite empty manifestos
If you bothered to read this one, you probably noticed Anonymous takes a specific stance on censorship. Their “manifesto” contained the word ‘unuseful.’ That’s a pretty harsh thing to say about censorship, but it’s not nearly as bad as calling it ‘useless.’
Have another, written by Barrett Brown. This one reeks of Charlie Sheen. Barrett Brown is the Charlie Sheen of anonymous. Winning!
Yet more. Sweet Jesus, now their writers are using the same fearmongering techniques employed by FOX News except this shit happens to be mind-numbingly stupid. What’s next, hacking phones?
WHY DO THEY KEEP WRITING THIS SHIT – Letter to my fellow man. It is just … you can check anonnews every day and there’s a bottomless supply of swill, JUST LIKE THIS, being churned out by … god only knows what kind of simple-minded trailer-dwelling ass-monkey with a DSL internet connection. I said it before as a joke, but now I am starting to really mean it: I find it difficult to imagine people out there, typing this shit up, who seriously believe in what they are doing. I wouldn’t trust it at all if the words didn’t come off as genuine – so genuinely stupid. I mean, the only logical explanation for why this material SUCKS SO HARD is that it’s gotta be a government operation to discredit Anonymous. Guys, you’re not really this stupid . . . right?
Analyzing Anonymous and anonymous and all its iterations has done NOTHING to repair my opinion of the virus that walks this earth you call humanity and I call a disease. This is tripe. Garbage. Useless. If this is you trolling me, through sheer will of stupidity, then you’ve won, Anonymous. Consider me trolled. Hard.
th3j35t3r is a weak, impotent jingoist bitch.
