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Entertainment

The land of Oz

000; The Guardian, 8 April 2015;

“Today, Earth received message that the Mars expedition discovered fossil evidence for life on Mars. The fossilized remains of what appear to be a trilobite have led scientists to the startling conclusion that life in our solar system most likely originated somewhere else. On Earth, Nuclear weapons were used again by both Israel and Iran. Iran suffered the loss of its only carrier fleet, and Israel, as usual, suffered massive industrial and civilian losses. Accusations of Palestinian genocide have circulated microblogs, but the accounts have not been confirmed. Meanwhile, cyber-terrorists are purportedly carrying out sustained Distributed Denial of Service attacks on infrastructure points in Israel. Skeptics suggest that this is not the most likely scenario, and make the sound point that the Israeli government is profiting from what amounts to complete internet censorship.”

001; Berlin, 9 April 2015;

Seal Team 6 are a team of the most efficient killers on the face of the planet. Seal Team 6 does not take prisoners. Completely black helicopters, modified for stealth, maneuver into position over an apartment building outside of Berlin. Seal Team 6 chose tonight because it was especially dark. The group of cyber terrorists are inside, but Seal Team 6 does not know where. The cyber terrorists are responsible for all the internet outages in Israel, and they have orders to to kill every one of them on sight. There is a directive that Seal Team 6 takes very seriously. The confidentiality directive. Any witnesses will be killed on sight. As the assassins rappel onto the roof, an RPG strikes the side of the chopper and explodes like a flash of lightning. The helicopter rolls over, making a screaming, grinding noise, and some of the team are disintegrated by the rotor blades before the chopper pitches itself off the building. The first Seal to open fire is General Hugh F Krieger, who speaks German fluently and has 50lbs of thermite strapped to his belt. He scores a headshot, killing the boy who fired the RPG. “Geh kacken.”

General Krieger orders two men to stay on the roof and snipe anyone who flees from or approaches the apartment building. He leads the rest of his unwounded men into the only staircase in the building. Krieger rappels to the bottom of the staircase and opens fire on a fleeing family before he even hits the bottom. The other men shoot every man, woman, and child who don’t run straight into Krieger’s stream of bullets. The team quickly removes all computers and data storage devices. A message on the com lets the Seal team know the backup transport has arrived. Krieger throws off his belt and casually moves a few dead bodies so he can saunter his way up the stairs.

All the media will know is that the terrorists behind the internet outage in Israel are dead, and they enjoyed animated tentacle child porn while they lived. Of course, none of this is true.

002; Fairfax VA, 25 May 2015;

Greg Oz has created the most accurate model of the universe with a self-made bot-net. He lives in his mother’s basement, is only 25, and has improved physical theory more than Einstein or Newton. He never went to college but instead became a hacker. Greg’s dedicated his life to hacking. As consequence, he doesn’t appreciate anything that can’t be summed up in a tidy equation or bit of code. There is no credit even among his close friends, who regard him as an insane loner. Greg, known online as GoZ, fears the science community would never accept his findings because he doesn’t speak their language.

About a year ago, GoZ discovered that the “strings” from String Theory are roughly analogous with objects in object-oriented programming. An object in this sense is just a set of data and instructions for what to do with that data. Each string acts out a self-defined recursive process, as opposed to interacting with other strings. It is this discovery that allowed GoZ to begin modeling the universe accurately. Each bot is capable of rendering a single string. However, resolution decreases exponentially as the time dimension approaches the present. GoZ calls his software ‘Oz,’ and considers the approximation of our universe a creation of its own. In fact, it is possibly the greatest scientific achievement in the history of mankind. Still, ‘Oz’ is incomplete. Indications of life have either been beyond Oz’s resolution, or they are not included in the model to begin with. GoZ spends every waking hour desperately trying to find signs of life inside his fractal. It is this desperation that has led GoZ to recklessly over expand his bot-net.

GoZ has been transfixed by the news from the Mars expedition, and obsessed with trilobites. He has paid no attention to the events in the middle east. An idea strikes GoZ as he’s viewing computer generated illustrations of swimming trilobites. Perhaps life is a single set of instructions that were present in a single string, capable of copying itself to other strings. Oz needs the perfect meta-virus to be present in the moments directly after the big bang. These thoughts cause GoZ to close his eyes for a moment and enter a trance-like state. This state of mind is shattered by gunfire and his screaming mother. GoZ does not even open his eyes before he is shot dead in his greatest moment of transcendent enlightenment. General Krieger is his executioner.

The computers of GoZ end up in the hands of security specialist Aaron Braun, investigative analyst for Mithril Technologies. Aaron Braun finds images of the Earth in different geological periods, strange planets from other stars, and closeups of lifeless landscapes. Quite quickly, Aaron Braun decides that this dead hacker was no average cyber terrorist. He forwards the documents, including the majority of GoZ’s scientific findings, to his supervisor over a not entirely secure network.

003; Excerpt; The Mithril Leak, 19 June 2015;

“…Braun, we cannot allow the source of this discovery to be named because of the obvious security issues it encompasses. However, the levity of this discovery requires it end up in the hands of those who can benefit, i.e. Department of Defense. I will name you as my co-discoverer and we will never speak another word about Greg Oz. I believe I can sufficiently demonstrate a working knowledge of the theory behind his software, as can you. We will likely win the Nobel Prize in Physics for this, so let’s spend the next few months getting more acquainted with our little ‘discovery’ before we make the big announcement…”

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Entertainment Society

Stalking Brenda Song

Brenda SongBrenda Song is the fuckably-hot Asian girl from Disney’s Suite Life On Deck. Don’t ask why I was watching this because it won’t be covered in this article (click here for an explanation for why I watch Disney Channel at midnight).

In a flash of delusions insight, I thought, “I should stalk seek her out.” So I went on her website. Looks like somebody’s already one step ahead of me.

Some creep asking Brenda Song how best to stalk her
Location: UNKNOWN

But only one step ahead of me, though he clearly has his eye on the prize and puts my rapist ambitions to shame.

I found the above post on her message center (her guestbook). Believe it or not, it gets even better.

Brenda's Creeper
Just tell him where to mail it, Brenda.

I don’t even know what to say about this fellow. He posts faithfully, every day, and the screenshot you see here is his shortest post yet. By the progression of his messages, I predict total emotional collapse, coinciding conveniently with the Rapture set to take place Saturday.

And just when you thought the weirdness was too much to bear, this happened:

Brenda's Baby-Daddy
OK, now WTF

By this point, I just feel bad for Brenda Song. This guy Mickey – no relation to Disney’s cartoon mouse (I think) – has been trying to make their one-sided relationship work which, unbeknown to Brenda Song, appears broken beyond repair; all this, in spite of Mickey’s anticipation of their second love child (his words, not mine). Mick’s obsession appears to have lasted roughly two weeks, or the average amount of time necessary for a Hollywood stalker-rush to degenerate into angry masturbation.

The Suite Life On Deck is the reincarnation of Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, a show on the Disney Channel chronicling the misadventures of two latent-homosexual cousins.

After reading this, Brenda Song will resort to puritanical moderation of her website, before removing the comments section altogether.

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Reviews Video новости

Redlight King releases hit single "Old Man" again for the first time

Someone else’s song

“Old Man” reaches the top of fictitious chart

Neil Young wrote it.

Redneck King
Redneck King

Corporate Rock sensation Redlight King was granted permission by Neil Young to sample [butcher] one of his finest works for the song.

The video features a skateboarder at the beginning, to rope in fans of Tony Hawk V or whatever’s next. It is cool.

Then, some undefinable hipster – wigger hybrids get in a fight, signifying the dissonance between the last generation’s ways and the pressures of today. So basically a confrontation between two irrelevant groups of people takes place, and you’re supposed to feel something. If your parents are white trash, then you can probably relate to what you see on-screen, maintaining the status quo.

Following this, a distraught-looking Weezer fan enters a bike shop and is confused by tires on the ceiling. The wheels in the sky keep on turning, maybe, but his life is obviously at a standstill – as signified by the fact he is in a Redlight King video. He thinks the motorcycle will take him places, perhaps now through his own bastardization of Easy Rider, minus the weed, because not only is marijuana for old fogies, but Redlight King tests for that stuff now.

The camera then pans across our straight-edge hipster biker-wigger moping in his Detroit squat of an apartment, while the words Old Man, look at my life shamelessly echo off the walls, washing over this embarrassment of a manchild you instantly identified with before realizing what a pussy he is; but it’s too late now.

He reviews disconnect notices for his iPhone and FiOs internet over a bowl of cereal, surrounded by pictures of a disappointed step-father.

Seeking fulfillment and quick cash, the antagonist enters a motorcycle race. He takes off and now you’re finally allowed to see a musical instrument, implying that Neil Young samples were not the only thing used for this song – that someone did in fact pick up a guitar, probably under duress, and most likely enveloped in anguish at the notion of having to resort to use of a talent. The lights are dim and we’re only shown the brief vibration of strings before the manchild reappears in a field after [losing] his motorcycle race.

The video ends on a disturbing note. Viewers discover that not only has the antagonist reproduced, he managed to score with a beautiful woman, ultimately creating this abomination:

Redlight King promotes unsustainable childbirth and theft of intellectual property. Neil Young is neither referenced nor apologized to throughout the course of the video, and you are dumber for watching it.

Redlight King is the trailer park hero of the modern South.

Redlight King is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.