Syria–President Bashar al-Assad told reporters Friday he feels that in spite of the crushing oppression of his dictatorial regime, the Syrian people are just not as empathetic as he would like them to be during this tumultuous time.
“I just wish those peasants could see what it’s like to be me before I order them to be mercilessly slaughtered at the hands of my death squads,” President al-Assad said.
Thousands of people have jumped on the Bashar al-Assad Hatewagon and now flow through the city streets like enraged water. “That is why it is so important that I must kill them all,” the leader said.
“How many rounds must I fire into vocalized women and dissenting children before they learn I am their best, if not only, option?” asked al-Assad.
[pullquote]”How many rounds must I fire into vocalized women and dissenting children before they learn I am their best, if not only, option?”
-Bashar al-Assad[/pullquote]
The troubled Syrian President said he is starting to think his people believe he has grown weak because he sends other people to do his dirty work for him.
“I even ordered my troops to shoot the troops who protested the shooting of the protesters. Is this not a sign of strength? Do I need to shoot them myself?”
Syrian state spokesperson Ahmed al-Kahardi said a new commercial paid for by The Al-Assad Campaign For Unending Control will broadcast amid damning footage of unsympathetic Syrian protesters being gunned down on the Al Jazeera news network.
The commercial is said to feature footage of the Syrian President killing dissenters with his own two gloved hands so as not to appear spineless. Assad is also reportedly seen choking a young man and crushing his windpipe on camera before he can even squeak out “Death to tyranny!”
Such strength.
Al-Assad said he hopes to kill enough protesters to “flip the ratio of haters,” until there are so few people left in his mean, dispirited state that all who remain in existence will represent none other than a majority of pure Syrian nationalists – good-natured folks who are willing to gladly accept all the abuses and indignity his oppressive regime has to offer, and who are so sympathetic to their ruler’s cause they are willing to starve to death and pay with their lives so their non-dissenting children may eat another day.
“If only they knew what I have to go through,” said al-Assad. The leader reported back pains that develop in the sixth hour of his sometimes day-long rape sessions upon women picked up by Syrian security forces.
“Sometimes I just want to lay down after that, but I can’t,” al-Assad complained. Occasionally the beleaguered President is even required to pick up the phone to order hot meals or tell reporters and UN diplomats to “fuck off” while he continues to ravage his unforgiving, unsympathetic nation.
Stay tuned as more details unfold around the President’s delicate emotional condition.
Tennessee artist Shaemarie Skaggs, cancer survivor, bites the filter off a Marlboro cigarette during a photo shoot at an industrial park in Clarksville.
Hoses dropped from a chemotherapy bag stretch around a rosary and into the blood-soaked needle-fed arm of Shaemarie Skaggs, whose hand clutches the withering flower of life.
It is just after sunset when I pull into the front yard of the budding Clarksville artist’s home. Clarksville, Tennessee is the worst town I’ve ever been to. The chance to interview an artist is a relief from the brown solitude that comes with living in a dry, burned-out military town. I wonder how creativity can flourish in a place like this. How can she?
As instructed, I call to inform Shaemarie that I have arrived and I approach her front door. It’s a beautiful McMansion nestled within a sloping subdivision. If I hadn’t seen the other homes driving in, I’d be inclined to believe it’s a real original piece of modern architecture. It is the same as the others if not slightly different. It is a floor plan. From up high, I can see the lights from Wal-Mart, Kroger and whatever else every town keeps along Commercial Avenue.
She says we can’t do the interview here – this is where she lives and takes care of her mother who recently suffered a stroke.
We drive around the neighborhood as I look for an exit out of Skaggs’ labyrinthine subdivision. Right away, she unfolds a picture of her arm with a rosary and chemotherapy supplies, and jumps right into explaining it to me.
“The bitch nurse fuckin' put a needle in my hand for painkillers – for morphine,” Shaemarie says, “And she didn't put it in my vein, so the morphine soaked in my hand and it would sting every time it pumped through. So I didn't have painkillers or I didn't feel right at all, and it hurt like a bitch.”
Pointing to her artwork, Skaggs tells the story as she’s told it countless times before. She says flatly during her chemotherapy treatments, this picture hung on her wall as an expression of her own humanity – but that she took joy from others’ reactions to it.
“The doctors would come in and freak out, and I thought it was really funny when they’d freak out and shit,” she says. “I like how I wrapped it around the cross because I just hate religion.”
Skaggs was diagnosed December 2009 with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a cancer originating from white blood cells. Shortly thereafter she drew a relatively simplistic self-portrait featuring peeled-back skin and decay of a long-haired vixen – a living corpse aware of her own mortality.
The lips, rotted away into a grimace of a smile, represent Skaggs' morbid imagination of herself as chemotherapy took hold.
“It was really bothersome, but that was the point,” she says, looking out the window of my truck as we sit at a stop light. Then came a long silence.
We are headed toward a spot with free wi-fi where Shaemarie says we’ll access more of her artwork. She changes the subject to me and my work. I oblige but keep it ground-level, explaining that I’m a writer and editor. While booming down Clarksville’s main drag to the finer cuts of Led Zeppelin II, the sexy young artist asks more specifically what else I do besides interviewing her.
I explain how I write politics and local government articles for the newspaper, which gets her onto the subject of President Barack Obama and the superficial similarities between his efforts and those of Franklin D. Roosevelt. FDR’s New Deal may have gotten us out of the Great Depression, but Skaggs believes Obama is an actor.
[pullquote]“He’s trying to make it look good and doing this whole cover on it, like, ‘Oh, everything’s going to be fine,’ but really it’s starting to suck. It’s a fake aspect that he’s making everything look good but it’s not.”
-Skaggs, on President Barack Obama[/pullquote]
“He’s trying to make it look good and doing this whole cover on it, like, ‘Oh, everything’s going to be fine,’ but really it’s starting to suck. It’s a fake aspect that he’s making everything look good but it’s not.”
She says her grandfather was a lawyer for a Philippine president while his daughter spied against him, causing controversy within her family and within the nation. She says her pursuit of liberal arts made her a black sheep when everyone else went into politics or has an “amazing job” as educators and government employees.
“It’s because we [Skaggs and her sister] are liberal and – ‘Fuck the government’,” says Skaggs, “And because we grew up in a stern family and we’re just like anti-everything.”
By now, we’ve reached our Internet source where Shaemarie discovers she can find specific Tumblr compositions through a simple Google search. She exclaims, “Google is a fucking creeper!”
Skaggs is exceptionally proud of one of her pieces of writing, which was reblogged by a website called The Whiskey Monologues and subsequently reviewed by its followers. The piece is about a drunken night of indiscriminate sex with an unnamed lover, notable for its sensual, emotive language and highly-revealing self-analysis midway through the exposé on passion itself.
While shooting at an abandoned industrial site, Skaggs informs me that she is in remission and healthy, in spite of a nasty cough acquired as a result of her smoking habit.
Shaemarie is forever affected by cancer, emotionally if not physically. Skaggs’ friend, Cara Roman, who she called “a fiesty little thing,” died July 2010 after a four-year battle with leukemia.
“She was my friend before I got cancer, I used to visit her all the time. And then one day I showed up to her hospital room and told her I have cancer. We both cried. I was the only one who spoke at her funeral. She was the closest person I had. She was so alive.”
Shaemarie says she will seek a liberal arts degree from Austin Peay State University but for the time being cares for her ailing mother at their shared home in suburban Clarksville.
Like a flash in a pan, the blinking of an eye, a star’s lifespan and all the time in the sky – Shaemarie Skaggs taught me that expression is only as beautiful as the time we have to appreciate it. That memories last as long as we can remember them, lest we mark them down.
On a long enough timeline, all things are finite, no matter what efforts we as human beings make to archive, categorize and chisel them into stone. On a short-enough timeline, all things last forever.
It’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s not Casey Anthony’s dead little baby. It’s not even Weiner’s dick. Nope. It’s another fucking WAR!
In April, the lying United States President Barack Obama said there are “no boots on the ground” in Libya but we reported there certainly are “shoes on the ground.” And boots. America continues its oil campaign through the desert as Obama prepares to declare war on Libya, who is currently already at war with itself.
Obama submitted a 34-page document to House Speaker John Boehner in support of all-out war on Libya. Lawsuits are being prepared against the administration which is currently engaged in illegal acts of war inside the oil-controlled nation of Libya, and Obama was required to justify his weird acts of war.
Many Americans will not even ask the question “Why not Syria?” where cold-blooded slayings of innocent, unarmed protesters take place as you read this – because Americans smart enough to ask that question are smart enough to know America’s role is not to spread Democracy, but to keep its own oil prices low.
The rest of the American public allow warmongering to continue because 98% of them are kept ignorant by corporate media and their own lazy, noninquisitive lifestyles; they probably just assume it’s all good in the ‘hood as long as their reality TV shows don’t exhibit signs of political polarization.
The U.S. State Department is considering lifting its ban on women in combat roles. This is likely less in the interest of women’s rights, and more because they don’t have enough meat in the field to sustain four simultaneous wars. Libya can expect a flood of women’s rights, where women will soon be found legally behind the gun pointed at your terrorist sand-babies.
Germany couldn’t warmonger on half the fronts we do but we’ll pull it off, because America’s number 1.
Chronicle.SU reporter Old Brutus called the CNN tipline to let them know Obama submitted to Congress what he said is a “legal basis for war” on Libya. Brutus assumed they had not yet learned of the development since they were broadcasting stories about Angelina Jolie and people having a hard time playing golf.
Old Brutus called the New York City CNN tip-line to make them aware of the news but could only speak to a machine. He left the following message:
[audio:https://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/message-from-old-brutus-to-cnn1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus’ message to CNN]
Then, dissatisfied and wishing to speak with a human being, Old Brutus called the Atlanta, Ga. headquarters where computers have not yet assumed oppressive control over the flow of information. In Ga. it recently became legal for women to work, so a girl answered the phone.
She said she was not aware of the President’s justification for war on Libya to Congress, and forwarded him to the same tip-line he called to reach her. While holding, Brutus quickly plugged his voice recorder back into his hyper-encrypted landline handset and recorded the following conversation:
[audio:https://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/tip-line1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus submits a news tip to CNN]
Elf Wax Media Ethics Analyst Billiam Falshe, who is glued constantly to CNN and supports their every move, was available for comment. Shortly before increasing the volume on his television, Falshe had this to say:
We like pretty dead babys with pretty mothers. We don’t like ugly sand-niggers blown to pieces by our political hate machine.
In the news today:
Someone injured during an angelina jolie visit to bumfuck nowhere
John Boehner plays golf “under pressure” [editor’s note: Boehner is scheduled to play golf with the President, who Boehner asked to submit a proposal for his thus-far-illegal war on Libya. *Gasp!* I wonder what they will they talk about?]
A new battlefront! [oh, between republicans and democrats]
For at least 30 minutes, Casey Anthony’s trial dominated BOTH CNN channels
Syria–President Bashar al-Assad told reporters Friday he feels that in spite of the crushing oppression of his dictatorial regime, the Syrian people are just not as empathetic as he would like them to be during this tumultuous time.
