Category: News

INTERNET — Wednesday, secret documents reported on by the world’s greatest investigative reporter, Dan Danwald, sparked a rare outburst of dissension within the keyboard freedom movement. In a scathing blog post loaded with the fine writing of a beginner, Tob Tobson fired a shot across Danwald’s bow, rightly accusing him of withholding the documents at the detriment of freedom. Danwald quickly fired back, saying that withholding the documents actually increased freedom by preserving security, a common point of view of the police state, but Tobson was not shaken, even after withstanding hours of cyberattacks and trolling via the Twitter social media site.

Tobson maintained with indeterminate language that the content withheld by the Danwald could lead to a more informed popular debate, and therefore more freedom, flying in the face of decades of Baudrillian Media Theory and common sense. However, our editors confirm that the idea of changing the world with propaganda is the root of all evil and Tobson is correct in asserting that the documents should be released, although saying that this should be done merely for the sake of the historical record and the benefit of posterity does not win Twitter Pissing Contests when freedom is on the line.

This rousing and fanatical debate came to a crescendo when Danwald pulled his secret trump card, intimate sexual knowledge of the leaker, Eddard Snow, and his intentions. According to Danwald, Snow wanted him to keep the documents as secret as possible while maximizing their profit potential. As a result, Danwald and his big business associates have held back as much information as possible so as to keep the public wanting more.

In a second scathing blogpost by Tobson on Thursday, Danwald was taken to task for the odious Twitter Debacle of the previous day. Not only that, but Tobson jumped on all of Danwald’s most vulnerable locations, likening the debate to a knife fight. Tobson wrote, furiously, that Danwald wasn’t really doing what Eddard Snow wanted. He asserted that Danwald did not respect the spirit of Eddard Snow’s intentions, which Tobson is more attuned to then Danwald, despite lack of an intimate sexual encounter in Hong Kong. Tobson angrily wrote that Danwald only half-bakes his reports and does terrible things such as consult with sources in the evil National Spying Agency to “strengthen” his story.

Quoting himself in italics, Tobson accused Danwald of being an Elite with an unfair Media Monopoly on Eddard Snow’s secret documents and called Danwald’s Mega-Elite boss a booby head before promising a third and even more scathing blog post in the near future. Tobson managed to draw enough power off of Danwald in the encounter to amass a Kamehameha wave, but when this energy attack was released, Danwald and Tomson were left floating in space among the debris of the now-ruined Earth.

LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.

Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”

Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”

Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”