Category: News

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Hailey Welch, host of the Talk Tuah Podcast and viral meme sensation better known as Hawk Tuah.

Nashville Deputy Sheriff Eric Rawlins announced Welch’s grim death to reporters at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We have not yet found the weapon and are investigating every lead, especially reports of drones in the area around the time of the violent attack.”

“This appears to be a cowardly and cold blooded assassination, carried out while Hawk Tuah was asleep and in bed, the projectile tracking to a vector that could only be accessed by an aircraft, in this case we believe a drone.”

Police investigating Welch’s Nashville residence set up a perimeter and were photographed guarding the premises after neighbors reported gunshots Thursday night.

Welch’s tragic passing follows legal action related to the botched launch of her cryptocurrency token, which left thousands of fans holding onto Hawk Tuah branded NFTs worth only a tiny sliver of what they paid.

Sheriff Rawlins assured citizens, “Crypto ain’t anonymous, sweetheart. We pulled up every victim of Talk Tuah’s little rug pull scam on the blockchain and we’re looking into each and every one of you. She got the easy way out but the assassin won’t. We’re coming for you.”

In a fiery conclusion which was not followed by questions for the press, Sheriff Rawlins implored President-elect Trump to give local police control over their airspace, “Mr. Trump, please. Computer nerds are out here rich from legalized scamming, hiring professional drone assassins to carry out internet trolling. To answer this grave threat, we need training, funding, expertise, and tools that we just don’t have.”

In related news, Nick Fuentes, extremist influencer and “king” of the so-called “sikko sektur,” narrowly survived an assassination attempt Wednesday evening which left the would be assassin and his neighbor’s dogs dead in a violent confrontation with the police.

SPRINGFIELD — National media reports have citizens worried that Haitian migrants are prowling the streets, kidnapping family pets and grilling them in voodoo rituals. Local police are yet to file any charges and have made an official statement that the story is a hoax.

However, some Americans are now emboldened to speak out about the benefits to eating pets.

“I’m cracking up at all these posts about eating cats and dogs and can’t help but think it’s some kinda propagandist play off my social media blow out about my dog skirt and eating the cat,” Rel Gumson posted to Facebook.

Gumson is a bit of a migrant herself. After suffering police brutality at Occupy and later losing her drivers license for driving while high, she decided that she’d do better living her life far from the corporate world of New York and in the rural campground of Hippie Hill, Tennessee.

Her interest in collecting, butchering, eating, and making crafts out of taboo animals goes back to one “social media blowout” post in August of 2016, when she first harvested a road-killed owl. A dead raven, groundhog, blonde squirrel, and other animals would soon all cross her facebook page, culminating in a cat-eating scandal that would throw her life and the whole backwoods hippie scene inside out.

“Eating cats is as American as apple pie, in fact more American. My granmammy makes a mean minced cat pie, and you better mind your manners cause she won’t cotton to none of your media lies,” Gemma Stuart of Newport, Tennessee told reporters, who were investigating an alleged cat farm. “We don’t play by your rules and we eat what we like. Now stop meddlin’ in my holler, this here cat farm don’t exist. And yun better keep this off the record if ya know what’s good fer ya.”