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Hate News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Tom Ryan Spearheads Cyberwar on the DPRK

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Under Armor Spokesman, @th3j35t3r Attacks North Korea

Under the moniker @th3j35t3r, a little-known Twitter account, Tom Ryan of Provide Security is currently gearing up for cyber war with North Korea, Anonymous in tow.

After a series of test runs against mom-and-pop DPRK websites, we see Tom Ryan, aka John Tiessen, as possessing the ability to completely cripple the entire infrastructure of North Korea’s Internets. While working with OWASP on Web app exploitation, in the mid ’90’s Ryan developed — with the help of a DARPA contract and Adrian Lamo —  a tool known only as XerXes, which sends “packets” to a given “serve,”, causing it to go offline temporarily. Some say it was also developed to really annoy Ron Brynaert.

This method, while not new, is very new and effective. The source code of XerXes has been hidden from the world for over two decades and far surpasses everything from WinNuke to LOIC/HOIC.

So is this a military operation? Is this what the NSA has been planning for years, General Keith Alexander at the helm? Or is this just a completely superfluous news article about something so utterly boring no one is reading?

We asked #hatesec’s Chairman of the Board Kevin Eubanks for comment, but all we got were some fucking lame jazz fusion licks instead.

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Entertainment News

“Chumlee” of Pawn Stars arrested with seven pounds of marijuana

chumlee
Police say his limousine driver was high from an immense, billowing cloud of secondhand marijuana smoke.

LAS VEGAS — Austin “Chumlee” Rustle, known widely for his employment at the famed Gold and Silver Pawn Shop featured on “History” Channel’s “Pawn Stars” Reality Television Show, was arrested Friday for possession of over seven pounds of marijuana after police pulled his limo over for erratic driving. Chumlee’s lawyer, Jay Leiderman, said, “Chum had no intent to distribute this marijuana; all seven pounds were clearly for personal use.”

Richard “Old Man” Harisson and his son Corey “Big Hoss” Harisson reportedly paid Chum’s two million dollar bail, but Chumlee still faces up to 100 years in prison. History Channel did not comment on the incident, but Chumlee’s agent, Jorge Luis Peron, said Chum already checked into rehab, “Chumlee’s life has been a nightmare of drugs and video games, and this has hindered his performance at Gold and Silver. He’s gettin’ the help he needs! Chum will be back and better than ever in no time, don’t worry folks.”

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Hate News Religion

Pastor Hal W. Hubbard outrages nation by endorsing gay marriage, abortion

Pastor Hal W. Hubbard caresses an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.
Pastor Hal W. Hubbard caresses an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.

Saddleback Mountain, VA — Pastor Hal W. Hubbard of the Pentecostal Church of Holiness outraged the nation Wednesday with statements denouncing traditional marriage and the sacrosanct status of fetal life. In a recent sermon, Hubbard said, “God’s children are killing this planet, and soon his creation will be trampled into a wasteland of dust and refuse by the unholy feet of devil-worshiping breeders. Those married to the opposite sex will burn in hell along with those women who refuse the sacrament of holy abortion.”

Pastor Hubbard is known for fiery snake-handling sermons and speaking in tongues, and reportedly changed his position on gay marriage during a mystical experience in which he was bitten by a copperhead. “God sunk his venom into my veins as punishment for preaching against his will. Gay marriage and abortion are the only way we can save this planet; what was once evil may now be our only chance at salvation.”

Some have drawn a parallel between Hubbard and Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps, as both preachers use radical polemics in order to popularize their seemingly satirical message. Hubbard was offended by such comparisons, “I ain’t ruinin’ anyone’s funerals or sending my family marching around like moron hippies with retard signs. I just listen to the snakes and the people speakin’ in tongues. I believe what I believe, and only gay marriage and abortion can save God’s creation now.”