Category: News

Shit happens.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Akon Invincible

Dearest Akon Invincible, my dark African prince and life mentor,

It has come to my attention that Chronicles SU is spreading contaminated lies, may your soul rest in perfect peace. Certainly, you may never die. Your fan, Odusanya Babafemi, posted a supportive message for you, “una de ment for una head una no they think before una go open that una smelling mouth dey talk rubbish, e bi like say they establish this site from sudan because hey just they give us lie wey no get life at all as una lie baba god don vex for the rubbish wey una right his night.” The community of the internet agrees Chronicles SU should be abolished.

Your fans are glad you are alive, although there are still hundreds of villages in Africa that have not been informed that the news of your death was actually just a hoax. Akon Invincible African Prince, we are writing you to request funds to spread the message that you have returned from the dead to these remote villages. We need several million dollars to ensure that the message reaches each and every person affected by this hoax. We also hope to spread the gift of your music by setting up solar panels and distributing MP3 players preloaded with nothing but music from Konvict records.

We your fans are completely devoted to the future well-being of your top singing career, oh Jewel of Africa

With much love and gratitude,

Henry Bekoe

May the almighty guide you and protect your family.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Local Trolling

Microstorms on Poor Mountain

Wind Turbines can catch fire and kill all the ULTRA RARE piratebush found ONLY on Poor Mountain

I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.

From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.

Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.

Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.

 

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Anonymous reveals Chemtrails are full of Barium for mind control

Anonymous revealed on Thursday that they have e-mails from a Chemtrail manufacturer describing concerns over the Barium content of Airplane Chemtrails affecting the average weight of Americans. The implication is that the Barium has turned people so docile that they have no ability to ignore fast food advertisements. In the FDA’s response, the spokesperson states that the statistics show less people die from obesity than those who were saved from violent crime by the implementation of mind-controlling Barium cropdusting of the populous in the mid-60’s.

Russia Today has reported extensively on this shit, but no one cares because they are a Kremlin owned station working on Julian Assange’s new reality show. In this show, Assange will attempt to teach a group of young Anonymous hackers to become the new head of WikiLeaks now that he’s going to be extradited to America and face the death penalty. Most of the show will be intense stare-downs as the script kiddies are put through ethical leak simulations to gain immunity from elimination and the trust of a paranoid Assange.

No one fucking calls it a state owned Propaganda machine when it’s the BBC. When it’s Russia Today, America’s knee-jerk Cold War mentality kicks in. But the Cold war was actually a myth created to help immortalize Ronald Reagan as the greatest man in American history, even better than the founding fathers. Only a Hollywood phony would claim credit for ending a war that didn’t even exist. The Cold War is still on, though, and it’s actually just about to explode.

The first conflicts of the third world war are the aggressive actions by the United States in the Middle East. Once Iran is drawn into the ever-growing military industrial complex, Russia and China both make military inroads into the region to claim whatever oil is left. Russia is currently preparing an invasion of Georgia, its oil rich neighbor. America may show an early advantage in the conflict, but will ultimately fall prey to extremely sophisticated cyber threats from China. For the first time, drone aircraft will battle each other, resorting to physical force only after cyber attacks have failed. This world war will end in a stalemate as the extended fighting rages through the last of the world’s oil supplies.

As oil prices skyrocket, so does the cost of food. The very poor starve to death under crushing debt and criminals will make enormous profits selling stolen food. Cities in the desert will become unreachable islands, livestock will become more valuable than gold, and a wireless solar-powered internet infrastructure will be implemented as a last minute emergency communication measure.