Category: News

Lol, jk.

Anyone catch Hannity last night? Sound off in the comments on what you thought about the Great American Panel…

 

ALASKA — Sunday, Edward Snowden was taken into custody by Anchorage Police, arriving in Alaska early in the morning in a black unmarked helicopter. Snowden says he is glad he can now face a fair prosecution, as he hopes his latest documents will vindicate everything.

Snowden spoke, passing out a fresh cache of the most secret White House documents to reporters, “These documents show the White House itself considers terrorism to be mere ‘smoke and mirrors’.”

Snowden looked directly into the cameras and spoke calmly, as police looked on too shocked to stop him from speaking, “America’s most deadly important security threat has been Methane deposits, known as clathrates, that are detonating in Siberia under mysterious conditions. The White House is afraid Vladimir Putin is working with a previously unknown intelligent species living beneath the earth’s crust called the Chelovozyom. In the most terrifying of scenarios, Vladimir Putin and the Chelovozyom are working together to deterraform North America, which will become nothing but deserts and ice within just one generation. There are massive chemtrailing defense programs carried out by the US military to attempt to counteract the effects of climate warfare, but each year of chemtrailing only cancels out the detonation of one methane calthrate, and hundreds of clathrates are detonating each month.

Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “We don’t believe so-called incidental human activated climate change could ever cause the rapid shift in temperatures needed to detonate methane calthrates, and the only explanation possible is purposeful exploitation of these resources to terraform Siberia in a way that is most favorable for Russians and least favorable for North America. So science can back up those claims by Edward Snowden. It is true. North America will be glaciers and deserts very soon, and no amount of chemtrails can stop it now. As for the Chelovozyom, Edward Snowden and seemingly the White House have likely taken some very convincing bait, and I’ll believe it when the Chelovozyom appear on Oprah to greet humanity.”

GERMANY — Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer Institute for community health came forward with a counter-intuitive explanation for the murder-suicide committed by Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz.

Dr. Troubador explained that mental illness is deviation from social norms, whereas the Germanwings atrocity was an ultimate confirmation of norms, saying, “Always in the case of mass murder-suicides, there is great confusion over perpetrators who are, on the one hand committing unreasonable and horrendously violent acts supposedly because of mental illness, but on the other often seem to show no signs of very abnormal sickness on close professional psychological examination. I am of the opinion that Andreas Lubitz and many others inhabit a supernormal identity as they commit the atrocities, which is the very opposite of a mental illness. It appears Lubitz was a closeted gay man, and that a recent trauma and breakup with a cover girlfriend spoiled his great efforts towards normality. This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.”

Dr. Troubador’s remarks caused uproar across a spectrum of health sciences, who read many implications into the theory. Dr. Cecilia Darwin explained, “Dr. Troubador diagnoses a sick society, a collective mind that violently detests itself and thinks sickness is a sign of wellness. It is clever, but what can we do with that? How does it help doctors save lives? Are there signs we should be looking for, or is it as undetectable as Dr. Troubador says? What is so controversial is how unhelpful it is.”