Category: News

INTERNET — Hurtling and herding itself in a nosedive towards populist megalomania and snark grandiosity, the medium an explosive novelty like early film sending crowds running in fear of images of oncoming trains. “Fascism” would be well described with enhancing modifiers like “mega” or “ultra” for the contemporary net miasma.

Drug lord darknet operator, flimsy heroism sucking along thousands of privileged nerds into anti-democratic direct actions: They are the clean ones, the good ones, the free and new few who can and should be trusted to kill with righteous intent, unlike the ages old black markets that are not quite so fresh, safe, privileged, and suburban.

Hagiography from on high for all who stand up for the primacy of the computer and its place above democracy, humanity, and compassion. Lawyers lugging stacks of thousands of letters of support, defendant not smiling like the cat with the canary but summoning all the having-it-both-ways ultrasincere guilt and character change so despicable to judges it evokes sentences beyond maximum, ostracism from politics for malignant influence and desperate idiot putsches — Hitler on his tongue at the crucial moment, addressing the internet from apartment balcony and declaring personal war against the FBI, filming the arrest and writing a column only rarely speaking of arts and literature except to mock a poet with mental illness. Laptop in mom’s dishwasher, not watching the library doors at that crucial moment when the agents come in for the arrest. Cryptodicks limp when it’s time to fuck. That’s not a National Socialist swastika, it’s got anime — actual Nazi? No, ultrafascist terrorist, begging for a drone strike like al-Alwaki, and he better have eyes for the sky. Is that dot surveillance white or smart bomb grey?

LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”

Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.

After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.

Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”

AND THEY’RE HERE, EDITING THE INTERNET CHRONICLE SO YOU CAN SEE THE DEEPEST AND MOST HIDDEN SECRETS.

I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.

I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.

We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.

Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.