Category: News

INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.

Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.

Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”

Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”

TEXAS — Obama’s plan to hand over the US military to UN authorities, a move which ends the United States of America as a sovereign and independent nation, was revealed today in documents brought forth by Edward Snowden from his exile in Russia.

Snowden shared several slides showing secret UN peacekeeping troop movements into the US, consisting mostly of European and Australian forces which will oppose inevitable militia uprisings after the United States are liquidated and Agenda 21 kicks in.

Under Agenda 21, Snowden warns that full communism will deprive all Americans of private property. Businesses and real estate will revert to globalist ownership, and citizens will be conscripted into forced labor and commerce under the New World Order.

Glenn Greenwald, reporter, said “The Bilderberg meeting this year will be the last informal meeting if all goes according to their plans, and soon they will assemble in the Rotunda of the emptied US Capitol building. I told you we saved the best for last.”

INTERNET — Monday, Tim O’Reilly, who coined the terms Web 2.0 and Open Source, found his O’Reilly Media Corporation embroiled in a sexist scandal as his overpriced security TED talk variant “Suits and Spooks” disinvited known “troll” Jaime Cochran. Trolls are an online subculture of rude people who trick others and make them upset on the internet for so-called lulz, or evil laughter.

Jeffrey Carr, Suits and Spooks organizer, faced massive social media unrest after hiring former Anonymous leader and FBI informant Sabu to speak at his conference. Carr became mired in even worse trolling and ridicule after responding to the mess with an open invitation for other “Leaders of Anonymous” to balance out the butthurt haters of Sabu. All other Anonymous leaders being in prison, Jaime Cochran, the troll known by the famous handle AsshurtMacFags, presented herself as an Anonymous Leader but was quickly exposed and mansplained by Carr.

Jeffrey Carr rudely disinvited Cochran from Suits and Spooks while firing off sex-loaded words like ‘drama’ and ‘gossip’, and when Fruzsina Eördögh called him out, he mansplained to Eördögh that she should have contacted him privately through e-mail instead of on twitter or through a blog. Thus he was conveniently able to deflect all accusations of sexism. The manppression was so thick in the air that Eördögh’s blogpost became self-aware of its own unavoidable internalized misogyny.

Carr hired KYAnonymous AKA Deric Lostutter to balance out Sabu, and Tim O’Reilly has since coined a new scare-term, “Trolling 2.0,” and plans industry-wide talks on how to tamp down this new and menacing subculture before it infiltrates more of his cheap sales pitch seminars veiled as educational conferences.