All of the sudden, the United States Government is faced with an information problem it didn’t anticipate. The anti-American threat of anonymously submitted documents from WikiLeaks has forced evil politicians to engage weaponized sockpuppets obtained from HBGary in order to create the dual-purpose Anonymous collective.
Anonymous serves both as a honeypot for enterprising young hackers and as a Psy-Op aimed at discrediting any anonymously submitted documents of the foreseeable future. When Anonymous sprung to defend WikiLeaks, the government engaged its sockpuppet army. HBGary was actually a red herring tossed out by the Government and jumped on by a rabid press. The untrustworthy Anonymous was waving a bunch of stolen e-mails that proved exactly the kind of social weaponry America was deploying. The mainstream media ignored this story and Anonymous was put out of mind.
At some point, a character known only as “Ryan Cleary” began to participate in the administration of AnonOps. He played the part of a young, resourceful hacker with the realistic fault of a hot temper. Most Anons believe Ryan infiltrated Anonymous either for a corporate entity, a criminal organization, or the Federal Government.
George Hotz, the famous iPhone and PS3 hacker, drew the sympathy of Anonymous. A relatively tiny group of around one hundred supported DDoSing Sony’s video game servers, so it was done. Bot-nets created and employed by AnonOps administrators shut down PSN for an entire day, with no real need for the LOIC except to implicate criminals. Somebody somewhere allegedly used the cover of this attack to steal the personal data of a hundred million people. The security was suspiciously relaxed, as if it was a trap, as if some power wanted Anonymous to make the wrong move. A calling card appearing to be from Anonymous was supposedly recovered by Sony, who may have hacked themselves just to profit off of endless downtime.
Anonymous has largely abandoned both AnonOps and AnonNews after “Ryan Cleary” went crusading with his bot-net. Official statements by Anonymous have called all hackers to join their movement. Of course, Anonymous has denied all knowledge of the personal data theft from PSN. Meanwhile, “Ryan Cleary” has accessed all the personal data stored on AnonOps, published it, and claimed to be more Anonymous than AnonOps is. The sockpuppet army has widely applauded “Ryan Cleary” and his success, making him the new leader of Anonymous. His unnatural abilities, shadowy motives, and god-like ability to act with complete impunity has helped him ride the wave of discontent to the helm of Anonymous. Who is “Ryan Cleary”? Is he from Sony? Is he a criminal from Eastern Europe? Is he an FBI agent? The sockpuppet army has gone insane with speculation.
All Casio watch-owners have been ordered by the United States Department of Defense to report directly to the Florida coast where boats are waiting to take them to the infamous Guantanamo Bay holding facility in Cuba.
There are two types of watch brands available to most Middle Easterners: Casio and Fossil. Terrorists use Casio watches in the arming of IEDs. Many of us had these throughout our childhoods and didn’t realize it. They’re small, cheap, tell the day of the week and the time just fine, and cost probably $5 or 10 at the market.
When asked what effect this would have, if any, on President Obama’s controversial promise to close the military holding facility, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told Americans to “Never give up hope.”
The Casio watch with a compass pointing to Mecca – the one used by the Guantanamo Bay guards as an excuse to detain an innocent Muslim man indefinitely – actually costs between $80 and 200.
He was arrested and interrogated for simply wearing this Casio watch. Their mistake, right?
“Well, we saw that it was a Casio but didn’t realize at the time how nice it was.”
But he was detained for less, using their mistake as the impetus for his continued detention; based only on the invalid assumption that being a Muslim made him a terrorist, since his watch, regardless of the model, contained a compass pointing straight at Mecca.
But even if he was interested in making a bomb, there is no reason to use a watch that nice. Bomb watches are stuck into an IED. Anyway, wouldn’t it be counter-intuitive that a Muslim should blow up a watch with the unique capability of pointing to Mecca?
The specific model used by terrorists is the Casio F-91W model or its silver variant, the A-159W, costing around $8.
The only reason for his continued captivity seems to be contempt for him either as a person, a Muslim or a non-American – all of which are threats to national security.
Keep up the good work, storm-troopers.
Americans, get back in your cages. Shock treatment is to begin promptly at 4 a.m. and must be administered on an empty stomach [or you will be forcefully purged].
Washington, D.C.–To the relief of all opposed to America’s involvement in yet another overseas conflict, President Barack Obama made a statement during air strikes on Libya that there will be “no boots on the ground.”
But more than a handful of sources say otherwise, and one of those sources is a Marine Special Operations Regiment soldier who is being sent to fight in the nation of Libya, where an unprecedented revolution is underway.
Just kidding. They're already there.
I spoke to a Marines Special Forces Lieutenant Friday who asked not to be named. He told me that in August, he will be sent to Libya.
“We’re going in, to . . . find something,” he said, shaking his head.
His eyes fell to the floor and bounced up and over my shoulder, and then into his clasped, wringing hands.
“Are you nervous?” I asked.
He stroked his stubble with one hand and with the other reached for a pitcher of beer.
“Yes,” he replied. “Very.”
He said he would soon be commanding troops throughout covert skirmishes and desert-crawling that no one will ever know took place.
The United States has returned Armed Drones to battle following NATO’s inability to stay on certain targets in Libyan air space.
Defense Sec. Robert Gates was asked during a Pentagon briefing, “Are we witnessing mission creep here? Are we going to just keep doing one slice of salami at a time as the U.S. gets further and further reinvolved in this operation?”
Gates replied:
“No, I don’t think so. I think that the president has been firm, for example, on boots on the ground. And there is no wiggle room in that that certainly I’ve been able to detect in his views. This is a very limited capability. He said from the outset that where we had unique assets that could contribute, we would do that. I think this is a very limited additional role on our part, but it does provide some additional capabilities to NATO. So no, I don’t think there’s mission creep at all.”
The young soldier went on: “Now, I told you this only because you said you wouldn’t tell anybody,” he said.
“You won’t say anything, right?” The Lieutenant looked regretful, because he knew I was a reporter. Yet somehow, his eyes told me he wanted the world to know, but for no one to know it was him who leaked the details. He seemed to want justice; justice which might prevent more of his buddies going needlessly into war. He spoke to me, like many others before him, on the condition of anonymity.
“People don’t realize what’s going on,” he explained. “We’re already in there, we’ve been there, we’re going there and we’re probably going to stay there. We rotate out, and right back in, just like anywhere else. But I don’t know what my orders are. They say we’re just going to find out what’s going on, so we know what to do next.”
Chronicle.SU correspondent and Washington Insider, Tyler Bass, had the chance to ask Colin Powell why President Obama said we don’t have boots on the ground, when we already have special forces and CIA in Libya.
Bass reported:
Tyler Bass: “How are you, General? So recently White House Spokesman Jay Carney has repeatedly said there are no boots on the ground in Libya. So has Barack Obama, but we have reports from the New York Times and other outlets saying in fact that there are, as well as CIA, which I guess is ‘shoes on the ground,’ right?
So why is – why is Barack Obama saying this? Why is Carney saying it? Or are they not aware, which I think is really unlikely? Or why are they saying it?”
Colin Powell: “They’re obviously aware of what’s going on, but what they meant by ‘no boots on the ground’ is that we were not – (off mic) –ground war – (off mic) – sending in our combat units – (off mic) – infantry or armor to fight these units on the ground, but to send in intelligence agents and –”
TB: “Or Special Forces.”
CP: “—or Special Forces –”
TB: “OK.”
CP: “—they are not going to be actively involved in fighting either the government or the rebels, but obviously it’s a way of gathering intelligence and helping the rebels fight more effectively. So there may not be boots on the ground – (off mic) – shoes on the ground – (off mic) –
The 24-year-old said he has already fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, but this is the most anxious he has ever been leading up to military action.
Upon return home, he will make many tens of thousands of dollars for about three months of action, half of which will be spent training.
“We’ll train for six weeks,” he said, “Then we go in for six.”
John McCain is currently out on a high-profile rampage through revolting Arab nations, where he has stated the United States should give firepower, weapons training and air strikes to Libyan rebel fighters, calling them patriots who are certainly not connected to Islamic extremism or Al Qaeda.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the administration disagrees.
Carney said, “We think it’s for the people of Libya to decide who the head of their country is, not for the United States to do that.”
Philip Gordon, an American diplomat and high-ranking official in the State Department, said during a Pentagon briefing:
“I think it is important that we all support Mr. Khatib in his efforts, but also that we continue to talk among ourselves — that is to say, members of the broad international coalition that is working on the Libya issue — about what Libya’s political future might be, which, I want to underscore again, is really up to the people of Libya.”
“Oh. And whoever we send there and don’t tell you about,” said Tyler Bass. “I don’t want to sound alarmist or anything here, but they’re conditioning everyone for the ground invasion they say isn’t coming but eventually will.”
