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Editorial News Obituaries Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

2084

America as we know it is going to be dead very soon. Nationalism is globally waning. History has consistently shown Nationalism is a fundamentally evil belief. The sooner there is a single world governing body, the sooner we will be able to focus on issues that we can agree about. I’m talking about full global accountability, a power that supersedes a nation when the future of humanity as a whole is at stake. A body that will enforce environmental laws is necessary for our posterity to enjoy life as we know it. Nuclear weapons must be done away with if we are to truly ensure that life as we know it can continue, and all accountable nations must one day disarm them all. Terrorists and those who imprison them must both be fully accountable to a global government. A global government must have authority over the nation. The UN is not able to enforce accountability upon the most powerful nations, and therefore it can not in any way ensure a peaceful future free from man-made disasters. I do not perceive the UN ever filling this role, but a strategic alliance similar to NATO or the EU may. The role of this super-government must be limited to what can be done to ensure the survival of mankind. Space settlement should be a stated long term goal, given the disaster-prone nature of earth. We can only hope time is on our side.

Economic forces are slow, steady, and absolutely inevitable. Energy prices increase as more people demand more energy even while oil production tops out. Conservatives look to the past with gleaming eyes, their values born in a world without computerized machinery. Do they not realize where our wealth comes from? It is not from hard work. Pulling up on bootstraps isn’t it either. Robotic machines are the centerpiece of our wealth. Material and energy cost plus labor equals overhead. Labor is being phased out in America’s industry slowly and surely. The wealth that results from this will be ripped entirely from the hands of the market, and relocated to government control. These were are jobs, and human labor made it all possible to begin with. It is collectively owned and created by all of us, yet the ownership falls to a most fortunate few whose circumstances in life were a bit more lucky than your average guy. Thus, the trend towards Socialism is utterly inevitable in a Democratic system. Populism combined with massively imbalanced wealth will result in Socialism, at a randomized rate. In the past, Socialism has waxed during periods of economic strife. And now, you should be prepared to see things that once were considered Unamerican. We’re really that wealthy now. Computers and robots will soon be able to do things that were never possible before. One day, our own creation will become beyond us in ways we may not be able to understand. If computers are not the savior of humanity, nothing will ever be. Consider this the second coming-the true Messiah.

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Health News Obituaries Religion Science Society World

Satanic Plot Fiendishly Revealed. Humankind Doomed!


Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.

With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.

His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.

People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.

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Obituaries

WA Boy Buried Alive By Best Friends


Everett, Wash.–An Everett-area ginger kid died Monday from suffocation after being buried alive by his playmates in a backyard sandbox.

Mainstream media implies that the cartoon Naruto “may be to blame” without citing any actual evidence as such, and without acknowledging that this 10-year-old boy may have never been taught or intuited on his own that people can not breathe under sand, which is almost always composed of millions of very small grains of sediment and rock.

In an interview conducted by a shoddy corporate-owned local newspaper with no allegiance to the truth or decency, Cody’s family members described him as imaginative and smart, despite the fact that he just died from being buried under a foot of sand.

Sensitive readers are asked to read the following with caution: Codey’s half-brother, Josh Quantrille describes the gruesome details of how little Codey’s death-scheme came to fruition. “They watch a cartoon where there were like sandmasters or something. They can manipulate sand or something like that,” said Quantrille. “He came up with an idea if he were to do this, then he would be able to be one of them. They’re all under 10, so a pretty crazy imagination, you know. They were like hey, OK.”

Josh Quantrille, 30, said the boy was “Really articulate. He’s got a really good imagination too. He’s just not a regular 10-year-old.” Unfortunately, Cody’s imagination failed him Saturday morning when he did not imagine himself standing up out of the sand as it was pouring into every hole in his little face and he could no longer breathe, see or swallow.

Codey Porter, Sandmastah

Everett, a small, hick abscess of a community located in what would otherwise be a beautiful Washington countryside has lost its brightest upcoming citizen and many of the area’s parents are too stupid and inbred to know how to talk to their own children about it.

That is why Patricia Gauksheim, the principal of Silver Firs Elementary School has sent a letter home so that parents could be informed and prepared for the upcoming precarious talks with their persistently inquisitive children. “It’s a well-known fact that children who ask questions are children who don’t get buried headfirst under sand,” she said, “so we want parents to be armed with knowledge to salvage what scrapple is left at the bottom of the class.” Those quotes are fabricated, because the truth makes this paragraph funnier. It should be noted that this same principal also described Codey as “bright” with “a lot of friends” – friends who, when Codey began thrashing about from asphyxiation, laughed and assumed he was “just playin’.” The contents of the letter, burdened with typos and fart-jokes, vaguely describe what happened to Codey yesterday and how to talk to the children about it. Nevermind the fact that the children will be taking the letter home themselves, in their own hands.

One parent is quoted as saying, “I have a third grader at home, so he’s going to come home with some information. So certainly, the need to edit, filter, and hear what he thinks about what he heard is important.” Of course. Because without dedicated parents like this one, children may grow up to think for themselves, thereby doubling the effects of this ginger tragedy.

The school has reported the establishment of a grief-counseling center to help children and teachers alike get over the fact that they knew someone so ignorant as Codey, the Sandmaster.

The Porter family has come to terms with the notion that the only valuable aspect to Codey’s biological spawning into this cruel, sandy world was the usefulness of his organs so they are giving them away to more intelligent people who deserve to prosper. His little, freckled body is being pillaged for kidneys, eyeballs, a heart and a liver as you read this.

The money-grubbing Porter family has also established a “Memorial Fund” for the boy set up through, you guessed it: a church. We won’t bother you with links and names, because religion is a sham and a crutch for the weak-minded, much like the supposed necessity of a memorial fund for a boy who died such an unforgettable death.

Besides, certain internet groups have already attached to this and are hitting them full force with prank calls, sandmaster jokes, emails, and letters of indignation.