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In Rememberance of Leona Helmsley

Rest In Piece, Leona. We all loved you.

“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

Okay, so you’re a billionaire real estate tycoon, and your only child dies from a heart attack. What do you do? Well, ask yourself next time: what would Leona Helmsley have done? She sued his estate for all he was worth and left his widow penniless. Their children were disinherited from her will, also.

Her pet dog, Trouble, was to be left a $12 million trust fund. A few of her grandchildren were to receive $10 million each-as long as they were good and visited their father’s grave each year. However, Leona has willed most of her $5 billion to charities that benefit canines. Leona Helmsley’s tax evasion has helped fund dog pounds around the country.

One of Leona’s only other joys in life aside from her precious dog were cold and heartless firings of her employees. In fact, she often treated her employees’ firings as a source of enjoyment. Whether they got a drop of water on her tea saucer or were just too homosexual, she was ready to fire any and every person who ever worked for her, including those refusing to collude in her tax evasion.

She wasn’t just an evil looking old witch who valued dogs more than humans-she was our evil old witch. And now rich people like her are going to be taxed more than ever before thanks to Liberal Red Commies like President Obama. Shame on you America-haven’t you stopped to think about your dogs?

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2084

America as we know it is going to be dead very soon. Nationalism is globally waning. History has consistently shown Nationalism is a fundamentally evil belief. The sooner there is a single world governing body, the sooner we will be able to focus on issues that we can agree about. I’m talking about full global accountability, a power that supersedes a nation when the future of humanity as a whole is at stake. A body that will enforce environmental laws is necessary for our posterity to enjoy life as we know it. Nuclear weapons must be done away with if we are to truly ensure that life as we know it can continue, and all accountable nations must one day disarm them all. Terrorists and those who imprison them must both be fully accountable to a global government. A global government must have authority over the nation. The UN is not able to enforce accountability upon the most powerful nations, and therefore it can not in any way ensure a peaceful future free from man-made disasters. I do not perceive the UN ever filling this role, but a strategic alliance similar to NATO or the EU may. The role of this super-government must be limited to what can be done to ensure the survival of mankind. Space settlement should be a stated long term goal, given the disaster-prone nature of earth. We can only hope time is on our side.

Economic forces are slow, steady, and absolutely inevitable. Energy prices increase as more people demand more energy even while oil production tops out. Conservatives look to the past with gleaming eyes, their values born in a world without computerized machinery. Do they not realize where our wealth comes from? It is not from hard work. Pulling up on bootstraps isn’t it either. Robotic machines are the centerpiece of our wealth. Material and energy cost plus labor equals overhead. Labor is being phased out in America’s industry slowly and surely. The wealth that results from this will be ripped entirely from the hands of the market, and relocated to government control. These were are jobs, and human labor made it all possible to begin with. It is collectively owned and created by all of us, yet the ownership falls to a most fortunate few whose circumstances in life were a bit more lucky than your average guy. Thus, the trend towards Socialism is utterly inevitable in a Democratic system. Populism combined with massively imbalanced wealth will result in Socialism, at a randomized rate. In the past, Socialism has waxed during periods of economic strife. And now, you should be prepared to see things that once were considered Unamerican. We’re really that wealthy now. Computers and robots will soon be able to do things that were never possible before. One day, our own creation will become beyond us in ways we may not be able to understand. If computers are not the savior of humanity, nothing will ever be. Consider this the second coming-the true Messiah.

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Satanic Plot Fiendishly Revealed. Humankind Doomed!


Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.

With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.

His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.

People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.