Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Health

IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DEMONSTRATION RE: ALL DRUGS

Washington, D.C., Tx–An independent study by the US Government was conducted on a stovetop Friday, twenty years ago. The results are inconclusive by logic of the critically-flawed scientific method, but based on what the President’s top aides are saying, stand firm. The dependent variables of the study were not verified and its results are taken as fact based on the government’s good track record of providing honest, objective, Christian scientific research.

The evidence in this photo suggests dope addicts have begun using guns as drugs, possibly by ingesting bullets anally in a new and creative effort to "get high"
The evidence in this photo suggests dope addicts have begun using guns as drugs, possibly by ingesting bullets anally in a new and creative effort to "get high"

“All drugs are the same,” said one expert. “Dope’ll kill ya,” said another. The men wished to remain anonymous because like all government officials, they are huge pussies and don’t stand behind their own words.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS INTENDED FOR MATURE, MALE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE THIS AND START FRYING UP EGGS TO GET HIGH, IT IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT UNWORTHY OF OWNING CHILDREN.

[flashvideo file=”http://elfwax.com/wp-content/uploads/Bill%20Hicks%20-%20Your%20Brain%20on%20Drugs%20(TV%20Comercial).flv” /]

Click here to watch Bill Hicks make fun of this at The Elf Wax Times’ Bill Hicks Hall of Fame, featuring Bill Hicks!

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Science Technology

Space station gets new "chill room"

Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.

Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception.  The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.

Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"
Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"

“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”

The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”

Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess.  “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous.  The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”

Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten.  Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Obituaries Science

Scientists report Earth could die any day now

There is the extremely unlucky event whereupon the Earth may drop into a black hole and be wiped from existence in a blink of an eye.  Perhaps the chances of drifting into the path of a singularity are small, but the possibility surely exists. Nothing in science says this can’t happen.

gamma-ray-burst-challenges-theory_4At some point the center of our galaxy will implode on itself, releasing a gamma ray burst that will irradiate and destroy all life on all stars in the Milky Way. It’s a sure thing that this will be the eventual death of all life in the galaxy. Allegedly, this isn’t supposed to happen for an extremely long time. What do those scientists know about collapsing super-massive black holes anyway? For all they know, it could take exactly 3 more stars and the center of our galaxy would overload and kill us with gamma radiation.

impactA huge meteor or comet could smash us all to bits. It will happen sometime, and maybe sometime really soon. It might happen right when you stop reading this sentence. It happened to the dinosaurs and it is bound to happen at some point simply because the probability exists.

An advanced alien race could have engineered our planet for themselves when their home planet dies.  Finding us in our greed and war crazed state, they eliminate us summarily with Super AIDS. Aliens are far too advanced for any other primitive kind of weapon, including a nuclear bomb. To them, killing humanity would be no more than a quick game of Pandemic 2.

The Universe could be a simulation from a computer-like system in a more complicated universe.  Some scientists and philosophers give this a moderate likelihood. If this is true, then within that likelihood exists the chance that the computer-like system could be destroyed, or our process ended. Some weird super being could just ctrl+alt+delete and everything that ever was would be data lost forever.

july4The chances against a nuclear holocaust are very slim.  In fact, it rests completely upon the chances that humanity dies in one of the aforementioned disasters first. A nuclear weapon could feasibly detonate at any position on any part of the globe and at any point in time. Your house might be ground zero. In fact, you better hope your house is ground zero because in a nuclear apocalypse the dead are the only people who will not suffer. Of all these events, this is by far the most horrific and most likely.

With the combination of all the probabilities for different known cataclysms, the Earth is on its very last leg.  Each day is one day closer, and one way or another, the day might come tomorrow.