Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Categories
Local Special Interest Technology

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

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Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

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Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

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Categories
Health Technology

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”

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Categories
Politics Technology

InfoWars shill covers up Solar Flare Killshot

Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.
Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.

INTERNET — Thursday morning, the shills at Alex Jones’ InfoWars posted a story denying the validity of Edward Snowden’s latest and most shocking “Solar Flare Killshot” leak.

As long reported by the Internet Chronicle, “controlled opposition” web sites like InfoWars and Prison Planet are a CIA effort guided by Alex Jones. Controlled opposition is a technique by which governments co-opt threatening information by infiltrating and manipulating subversive movements. Jones is able to distract skeptics from truly important stories with a stream of false alarms which directly serve the interests of the US government’s bid for global hegemony. Now targeting Edward Snowden, Jones’ agenda has never been more clear. Sources close to the Internet Chronicle infiltrated the Prison Planet servers and have found incontrovertible proof Alex Jones is a propagandist employed by FEMA death camps.

The Anonymous representative said, “This is worse than we ever feared. The one source we turned to for the unvarnished truth that mainstream media won’t report is in bed with the government’s worst program and probably has been from the start. We have shared this data to the Internet Chronicle because they are the last bastion of free speech that has not — and cannot — be co-opted to serve the needs of the New World Order.”

Even the hierarchy at Anonymous was infiltrated and turned towards the purposes of the New World Order when a charismatic leader, Sabu, was blackmailed and used to control a Christmas Day heist which cost many charities and innocent journalists well over a million dollars. If not for vanguard reporting of the Internet Chronicle, many hundreds more Anonymous hackers may have been arrested and turned to serve the will of the “Deep State.” The Deep State works by blackmailing individual members of congress with embarrassing information gleaned from the many unconstitutional NSA spy programs. Because of this power, the Deep State is able to easily circumvent the rule of law. Our source within Anonymous also claimed that the Deep State is planning a genocide which targets drug offenders, computer hackers, and anyone practicing the Islamic faith in any capacity.