INTERNET — At long last, Twitter has removed a petulant privacy bug from the platform that prevented advertisers from gaining necessary access to sensitive details about the entire user base.
A valuable option in Twitter’s privacy settings called “Share your data with trusted affiliates” once enabled trust between consumers and good-natured cookie salesmen. Now, that special trust can never be disabled. It is being heralded as a day of light, disinfecting some of Twitter’s darkest corners.
The staggering effect of this devastating boon to customer relations will expand throughout the Internet, according to Dr. Anstrom H. Troubadour of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Advanced Intelligent Learning.
“We all aged a little faster, today,” Troubadour said.
I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I know shit. In case you don’t know I know shit by what I am saying, you can still tell by how I’m saying it.
Twitter users in the barbarian regions of the European Union, and United Kingdom, will have to opt in – like animals – to sharing their much needed private details with advertisers representing Kellogg’s, part of a complete breakfast, Google, whose slogan is “Don’t be evil,” and the beloved Disney who brought you such motherfuckers as Bambi, The Lion King, and Robin Hood.
Selling your data is the most important thing in this world to Twitter. Before providing anything to friends, family or loved ones, Troubadour advises readers to first share marketing data with trusted privacy-aware partners at Twitter.com, as tidings of good cheer for all they do for us.
Twitter has a long way to go before their work is finished restoring relations between advertisers, users, and their precious, life-sustaining data. Settings like “disable web tracking” still pose a threat to those relations. What are you afraid they’ll find?
Additionally, loopholes in the law continue to obstruct the free flow of such vital information as your name, email address, phone number, and username.
“Because the American legislation system is so MESSED UP,” Troubaour said, “Twitter profits didn’t grow fast enough last quarter. It seems, rather unfairly, that no amount of lobbying Congress can save us. Like the coronavirus, this threat to privacy is a global issue. It’s going to take more than a gift basket, or a handjob, to start explicitly selling usernames.”
With everyone stuck in their homes, now is the perfect chance for a pure measurement of our social value, so hop on Twitter, and show the advertisers who you really are!
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We don’t give a fuck about your privacy. We only want your MONEY.
WHAT THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
News of the World!
MURDOCH FAMILY ENSLAVES CHEETAHS TO PUBLISH TRUTH FASTER
NEWS OF THE INTERNET
wow! very truthful and honest
CHRONICLE.SU–PREMIERE CHAT NETWORK MADE AVAILABLE TO PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT’S PUBLIC JOURNALISM!
Cheetahs now course through your cerebral cortex.
NEWS OF THE NET FUNCTIONS BY WAY OF A NEURAL NETWORK OF MINIATURE CHEETAHS, AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS, THEN YOU HAVE LITTLE CHEETAHS RUNNING AROUND IN YOU, RIGHT NOW!
THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’VE GOT MICROSCOPIC FUCKING CHEETAHS, AND THEY ARE DOG PADDLING AROUND IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM.
THIS RARE, PATENTED METHOD OF HIGH TRUTH CONTENT ‘JOURNALISM’ JUMPS FROM BRAIN TO BRAIN, TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN MAKE IT UP!
FUCK YOUR NEURAL PATHWAYS!
THEY’RE GETTIN’ TORE UP BY THE GORGEOUSLY MARKED FUR OF A MAJESTIC SAVANNAH CAT, SPRINTING THROUGH THE TALL GRASS.
Expert Analysis:
“Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, and Sprite commercials featuring basketball players brought society to this inevitable conclusion: the scientific and medical perfection of these tiny cheetahs, turning everyone into citizen journalists. If you got an iPhone, you’re a fucking warrior on the streets, fighting for Truth. If you got cheetahs, ain’t nothing going to stand in your way.”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, and I invented the microscopic nano-cheetah. I tend to quote myself throughout my own work.
The following portion of this article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., the first multinational corporation to be granted personhood, and the only company that capitulated to China, before it was cool.
Gamer-Gator News:
[insert image of woman-hating alligator]
Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range
Hearthstone “too boring” but “not shitty” enough for Chinese markets, critics warn.
HONG KONG–Scenes of violence played out across Hong Kong Tuesday as anti-government protesters fought for independence from China on the country’s 70th anniversary. Hong Kong has been under a condition of civil unrest for more than four months, after China announced dibs on the unique city, which spent much of its history living in a more civilized manner while under British colonial rule. Blizzard joins the ranks of Google and Facebook as the NBA sweethearts of the People’s Republic of China.
Blitzchung, an 18-year-old protester, was killed execution-style with a snubnose .38 revolver discharged by a top executive at the California-based videogame company Blizzard Entertainment, while exchanges of tear gas and moo-shu cocktails took place around the city’s 13 districts. Blizzard entertainment is the video game giant behind StarCraft, World of Warcraft, and Hearthstone.
During Blizzard’s official broadcast of the Asia-Pacific Grandmasters competition, the now-executed Blitzchung appeared in a post-match interview wearing a gas mask. As the broadcast ended, Blitzchung shouted “Liberate Hong Kong, revolution of our age,” as the hapless and irresponsible Blizzard newscasters ineffectually hid from Blitzchung’s message behind their hollow desk. They were subsequently stripped of all clothing and fired into space as an integral component in the latest testing of China’s Long March 11.
Broadcasters tried, fruitlessly, to hide from the Broverlord.
Blizzard Entertainment is now at the center of controversy after the public learned of its pivotal role in the violent and murderous suppression of dissent from Hong Kong protestors. Blizzard’s retribution to critics has been swift and merciless including toxic gas, sonic assault beacons, and privatized robot police squads to patrol Hong Kong, as well as a billion dollar tax-deductible write-off to the CIA front, non-profit Video Games Free Asia.
Now that freedom and democracy threaten Blizzard’s standing with the People’s Republic of China, Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime told reporters over a hot, smoking revolver, “This time, the bullshit is done”.
Morhaime threatened to crush opposition to the People’s Republic of China, and swore a solemn oath to protect both born and unborn video game consumers at a solemn ritual in the South China Sea. This historic ultimatum was heralded by a deep, honeyed foghorn and the detonation of a distant tactical nuke, which pierced through the smog of China’s forbidden media market, a final beacon of lost hope and freedom.
“If you think Blitzchung was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Morhaime said. “We have just executed the first of many protesters we intend to shoot who would dare defy the mechanical purity of Hearthstone. Why, when I’m finished with Hong Kong, they’ll be calling me MichaelMoreharm!”
Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they are helping him.
But Michael “Moreharm,” as he’s now known on Chinese Social Media Weibo, isn’t the only billionaire trying to horn in on the trillions of potential Chinese consumers. Eccentric thrillionaire and Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers said millions of Chinese have knelt at his feet, licking the boots of pig officers and chewing on still-smoking rubber bullets.
“But that’s alright by me,” Raleigh says. “I like my boots clean. Now lay down and chew that toy, dog.”
“They’re people just like you and me,” Raleigh said. “Me? I name my people. This one’s a Chinaman, but–you guessed it–I call him José. José why don’t you come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.”[pullquote]Come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.[/pullquote]
Sakers makes sport of his Chinese workers, flipping their noses, forcing them to play fetch, fucking their wives–he says it keeps him young.
Videogame expert and Kotaku journalist Heather Marsh, who wrote her own Wikipedia article, said, “Blizzard might have an Ace up its sleeve now that Hearthstone is doomed to dessication and the permanent taint of murderous dictatorship. They are about to unleash a Chinese-only mobile augmented reality environment based around gamifying crypto-microtransactions with artificial rarity in micro-economies. It’s like Pokemon Go, only more costly and addictive.”
Dr. Troubadour, trusted researcher and Chinese futurist, said it could be just what the company needs to parlay the global backlash into huge dividends.
“Even the true die-hard fans will eagerly pre-order Blizzard’s upcoming release, Dissent Crush Saga. And considering Trump’s plan to weaken the dollar, every investment in China is worth ten times an investment in the West.”
Raleigh says that’s just great. Moreharm says watch out, fuckbois: Blizzard gon’ keep your prize winnings, and take what China give ’em, too! Dr. Troubadour, as you’ll recall, gave you cheetahs.
Cheetah Mogul is a proud beast of elegant efficiency, and he courses within your veins like a ghost in the shell, designing the world not as it “really is” but as YOU perceive it.
“Yeah, we thought you’d like that.”
Cheetah Mogul is brought to you intelligently by the Internet Chronicle: Where your dreams become reality.
CHRONICLE.SU IS A LEBAL DROCER PRODUCTION. ANY ATTEMPT TO REPRODUCE THESE MATERIALS BY CREATING COPY, SIMULATION, OR MENTION IN YOUR MIND WILL BE INTERPRETED AS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, TAKING PLACE WITH OR WITHOUT DR. TROUBADOUR’S PATENTED CHEETAH BLOOD ENHANCEMENT, LEAVING YOU OPEN TO CIVIL SUIT, INJURY, OR DEATH.
*[Full text: Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo.]
In other news
President Trump accused the FBI of falling behind in high-profile civil rights assassinations
Mark Zuckerberg comes forward with new information on Hunter Biden
Secret Court: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis infections hit new highs in one man’s pants
California becomes first state to allow intentional HIV infections
Group of teen girls kidnapped after setting trap for California pedophile
More than 340 elves will be out of work before Christmas
Louis CK convicted of harassing Parkland victims’ families
China state TV heralds Internet Chronicle: ‘it is a bastion of prosperity’
A dog saved his owner from a devastating housefire by continuously nagging him to change the batteries in a smoke detector
Jerry Falwell Jr. suspected of “raping angels”
Vape Crisis: more than 100 people are under supervision after looking like severe douchebags
The Sega Dreamcast is hailed by legions as the best videogame system ever created. Gaming fans new and old revered Sega’s final foray into the competitive market of console gaming as their greatest achievement yet. The Dreamcast was more than just a gaming console – it represented a defiant protest of century-old Nintendo, a last stand against the staying power of Sony, and stood out as the ideological opposite of the soulless, ball-less piece of three-headed Hydra shit Microsoft calls an Xbox.
The Sega Dreamcast had the best repertoire of first- and third-party games of any console, the first mainstream integration of online play, and clear, beautiful graphics. Many games boasted 60 frames per second (FPS), making racing games and shooters like Unreal Tournament very exciting, and leading many to wonder, “Wait how many FPS was it before?”
Dreamcast even had a web browser (with an upgraded 2.0 version!) so young children, who didn’t yet know how to delete their browser histories, could safely download pornography without fear of parental retribution – right on their very own standard-definition TVs!
Behold, The Legendary Sega Dreamcast
To the average mouth breathing redditor, this looks like your average videogame console with a sexy Dreamcast logo on it. But what would you know? Part of the Dreamcast’s charm is in its subtlety. The Dreamcast had a little orange light that, when the system powered on, glowed bright orange and inspired the original design scheme used by the mysterious and fabled Elf Wax Times publication which – according to legend – reigned supreme for a better part of the previous decade. But who knows for sure? The system advances through several stages of power until its fans kick on and Phantasy Star Online bounces to life. Oh yeah, but if your VMU battery is dead, the VMU screen will appear faded, and Dreamcast itself will scream at you by emitting a long, ear-piercing tone from a tiny speaker built into the console. This is a gentle reminder to change your VMU battery. The tone gets longer based on how dead the battery is. You change it because you do as you’re told, and you don’t want to hear that noise anymore. Sega thought of everything!
What’s a VMU battery?
Upon closer inspection, the most observant of retards may notice there is a tiny screen on board the Dreamcast controller, which was revolutionary at the time. Dreamcast controllers also feature two analog triggers that fit nicely in the hands, like dual-wielded pistols with clitorises for triggers. Useful as a heads up display, the removable memory device known as a VMU (Visual Memory Unit) powers the tiny screen, which changed to fit whatever needs game developers chose for it. Oftentimes it displayed ammunition data, hit points or even jokes and small bits of game lore. Admittedly, it sounds kind of gimmicky. Fortunately, there’s more to it than that. You could download games onto that bitch, straight off your Dreamcast game discs, then jerk it out and play it like a fucking GameBoy. No shit. Look:
Sega just didn’t give a fuck. In the game Sonic Adventure, you collected Chao eggs. You can load eggs – or a hatched chao – into your VMU and then when you go to school, or work – where you no doubt suffer as a result of being apart from the Dreamcast – you can play Chao Adventure on the VMU, leveling your Chao’s stats to make him stronger for when you load him back into Sonic Adventure. Now that’s metagaming!
PowerStone contained three games available for download. There were fighting games, gun games and puzzles. There are a bunch more but that’s all I can remember off the top of my head. As a kid, I worked for my own videogame (and weed) money, so I didn’t have every game. Sorry, cunt.
If the VMU had anything going against it, it was the watch battery in the back that’s always dying, trying to meet the demands of all the awesomeness inside our VMU. When you needed a new one, you had to walk up to some sad person at Wal-Mart who acted like he was doing you this unspoken favor of constantly supplying you with these flat, quarter-sized watch batteries. It’s not opium, Rajiv. It’s just a fucking battery. I don’t remember what they cost.
Probably the coolest thing about the Dreamcast was just owning a god damn Dreamcast.
Tell you what, that’s the end of this game review, and there’s no looking back now. Now fire up your Dreamcasts and put on Slave Zero.
