axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Status Quo

There is an Apocalypse of Information

– on the horizon.
You see, as information and people’s total alignment with the electromagnetic field of energy coalesce into a single vibrating consciousness pulsing through our bodies infinitely with every capitalistic wave of wi-fi signals, cell phone towers, satellites beaming Ellen down to Earth and the puncture-wound in the atmosphere which welcomes the Van Allen Radiation Belts to our front yard force us to face the fact that our thoughts are under control by a globally consciousness PR Director named Phil who knows about more than just your fucked-up diaper piss fetish.
Phil controls everything with the crossing of a single digitally-simulated local synapse. He does this millions of times per second, as he contemplates everything and the Way it is going to happen yesterday. Phil has played and beaten Civilization II on difficulty levels well-beyond God-like. He has mastered focused arithmetical computation on your inner space, which you left wide open through your soul. Phil owns you motherfuckers. What do you have to say?

Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium
Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium

When Phil closes his eyes, the Universe goes dark. When Phil’s heart beats, we instantaneously collapse and birth anew into a Big Bang. Phil’s heart will one day de-crystallize and stop beating. Omega’s constant value will bleed his heart dry and forever into ice, as the false vacuum of Phil’s inner-self evacuates into hyperspace, supplanting reality into a burned out image in the picture-tube of inter-universal unknown, a cluster of dead embers, ashes in the wind, dust in the clouds. Phil is dead. So were we.
The Universal Hivemind that keeps up with our tags and masters us in practice while we attempt to understand it in theory has no place being taught in our schools, and that is why we should vote down proposition number 327: The Abomination of the Human Mind with Roanoke County Schools at the forefront of this unique, and basically life-altering experimentation on the human species.
With no hand to guide us, we are left with only our spirit-bodies to explore the hypocrisy of intellectual starvation in America, faced with Krogers on the corner, the party line on the papers, and lies in the skies, against all odds, staring at ourselves and seeing the reflection of Corporate Breeding. We are a Generation of Swine, as Hunter once said to this reporter, and we’ve rooted in our feces until its perpetual congregation with the mud has contaminated lifeforce with the need-to-feed-on-Greed.
You’re welcome, you fucks. You finally got enough computers and enough electronics and gadgetry in your SUV and enough features and enough perks. And now we’ve poisoned the water-hole and there’s no turning back. Latch on to your withering testicles, and fuck the vapid whore of Capitalism.
I chose a life through which I knew I’d starve. I knew I’d have nothing. I knew I’d not be able to afford a wife, girlfriend, home or child. Somewhere along the line, I thought “I could be a doctor. I could be an astronaut! I could be a firefighter.” Nothing sounded like me, until somebody said, “Hey, you could be a writer!” So, I don’t operate on people, I don’t see Earth from space without the use of illegal drugs. I can barely afford rent, bills, student loans. I couldn’t afford to write these words if it cost a dollar. But they’re here, aren’t they? That’s what counts to me. I deal only with abstract, astronomical facts. So you can rest assured you’re reading the truth if you’re reading The Elf Wax Fucking Times, and we’ll even call your boss and tell him to go fuck himself, anonymously, on your behalf. Just shoot us an email – if you know how.
Now, all this writing and believing is good. But it sure sucks not having a high-def TV. You can get really easy headshots on Call of Duty 4 with one of those. And writing more doesn’t buy one. The Universe doesn’t care. Phil’s heartbeat won’t mind; quite the contrary, it doesn’t know you; it is more focused on your overall collapse and rearrangement. The UN simulation of ourselves doesn’t care, nor does our imagination of it. We are here, alone, watching it all burn together.
Enjoy your Apocalypse.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Entertainment Uncontrollable Patriotism

CNN and FOX affiliates announce new patriotic reality show

Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something
Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something

NEVER FORGET to watch “WAR” this Fall on FOX!

From the fearless leaders who brought you such wars as “Viet Nam” and “Korea – Dawn of the Hellicopter!” comes Afghanistan – a tactical operation which promises to be “a fun-filled action-packed romp through the desert the whole family can enjoy.”

Just like Wuss-ass General Patreus (more like Betrayus, amirite!?), who originally requested 40,000 more troops to go into Iraq, General Stanley wants forty thousand for Afghanistan. But Obama’s a God Damn World Hero who hates losing so he threw the controller down and said, “Fuck Iraq. America didn’t lose. I fuckin’ quit, motherfuckers. Where da hood at nao!” At first, this motherfucking foot-cock wanted to go so hard into Afghanistan on “counter-terrorism episodes” that will leave no man, woman or child without a urinary-tract infection.

“But then,” he reportedly thought, “It would be bad for ratings.” Even reality show producers who don’t know how to write a story knows there needs to be a visible conflict. Bark Obama refuses to help by sending extra forces because, like every good Starcraft player knows, it wouldn’t be very fun to crush the enemy with a sizable force, neither for the generals nor viewers like you at home. You gotta give ’em a show. “And that’s what we’re doing,” the President said, as he fingered Hillary’s Clittin behind the scenes.

I fucking love this show, bitches! Sometimes I sometimes get so turned on by realistic violence that I’ll insubordinate my abusive husband just to get a taste. LOL YOU COULD SAY I’M BLOOD-THIRSTY FOR WAR!

-A desperate housewife

This season of War! Terror on the Homefront promises “more tactical missile strikes, more calls for the ‘MEDIC!’ and less of that ‘blah blah blah why-are-we-here?’ interjection” that dogged the series premiere in 2003.

*silent jerking-off hand motion*

America, brace yourselves for The War on Terror, Part II: Overseas Contingency Operation. Catch it Sunday.

Did you miss Sunday’s episode? Like herpes IT’S COMING BACK! but FASTER! Watch it again Thursday nights at nine, following Everybody Loves Raymond Even Though He’s a Draft-Dodging Faggot.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Armageddon on our heels (and that's just fine)

They are not worried about Korea, but Iran and Israel, particularly Ahmedinejad and the terrorists he pays to hate America.

N. Korea’s response is flaccid, but bring out fears in the media around saber-rattling and auto-fellatio of the Muslim extremist belief system, and the dedication from which their ravenous hunger for anti-Capitalism has emerged.

Ahmedinejad reportedly gave Kim Jong-il a handjob under the table during a recent meeting to conspire against Freedom. Kim Jon-il slipped Iran’s elected dictator a custom-inscribed fortune cookie that allegedly read, “He who is stubborn face no consequence.” [of course it was in Chinese so nobody took it seriously]

Copyrighted image reused indiscriminately by The Elf Wax Times
Copyrighted image reused against artist's request by The Elf Wax Times

Scholars and politicians hotly debate Obama Hussein Bark’s involvement in a terrorist plot to overthrow Freedom, while others brace for chaos under the threat of an apocalyptic nuclear holocaust. But believers on both sides of the aisle are unified by their agreement that the next country to be nuked “ought to be Asian.”

“The goal is to inject freedom directly into the symptomatic state of the oppressive Middle East,” said Emporer Hussein, President of the United States of Freedom. President Obama has since announced his plan to rename the entire North American continental body to the “United States of Freedom,” in a bid to win support for his “overthrow freedom” campaign, fueled by nuclear bombings and Change posters produced and created by Shepard Fairy.

Roanoke citizens are awash with grief over the loss of the area’s number one Prime Time re-run, Desperate Housewives. In the latest episode, some spoiled bitch wife goes out on the town using her husband’s money and fucks an accountant from his real estate firm in the backseat of a designer BMW, stealthily alluding to the relationship between Kenya, Obama’s home town, and Afghanistan, where the President has broken the country’s hymen with his long, erudite dick of “Freedom”. By concealing these actions in the new Middle East, he has pulled off a secret coup from within the Taliban, and is now seeking to gain control of the poorly-guarded Nukes inside the Pakistani government. Sources said he is doing it “for the lulz.”

“He thinks he and the Pakistanis are ‘having a quickie,'” said Herb Schnoodler, director of the CIA Board of Hilarious Transitions,  “but what he’s too drunk [with power] to realize right now is that he’s joining the AIDS club, and that shit don’t wash off.”

AIDS doesn’t just start out as AIDS, though. Every educated American boy and girl knows that.

“First, you’ve got to get HIV,” explained second-grader Elroy Stephens.

And America got HIV when it landed its first slick-booted 18-year-old jarhead into the center of that god-forsaken oil pit and said, “turn ’em loose. I wanna see what they can do.” And they fucked their first dirty foreign affair,  and the white blood cells fucked up when they got in there, then we saw that our boys were still human after all – on CNN. And then everyone agreed: war is funny.

“Because we don’t serve the Empire, and the Empire don’t feed us. We are here to stand up and fight, whether it’s within ourselves, against our neighbors, or the occasional sniping of an allied enemy combatant, for it is our duty to control what’s ours to control: ‘the blood-hungry instinct to divide and scrutinize, understand and dehumanize – the intentions of those we do not understand, and own them all, in the most basic way,'”

– General Lee Min Seok, speaking on behalf of the Boys and Girls Club of America

Lee Min Seok is the most 1337 StarCraft player in the world, who also happens to be blind. Lee Seok won seven Blizzard tournaments and fucked countless child prostitutes in Tijuana with his winnings in a campaign he called the “Zerg Invasion.”

And that’s how we were born. Welcome to Two Thousand and Nine. 2010’s gonna be a trip. The American suburban bubble is a nuclear fantasy waiting to explode. The dirty-bombs that spread diseases and bacteria are just across the street, in an empty apartment where men stay awake until four o’clock in the morning working on a germ grenade that could eat its way through a city apartment building in under a day, unless you buy Homedic’s newest line of central nervous system Anti-Gas Kit with Iodine and Immunity Support. ‘Defend your kids against terrorist sleeper cells, the clinically-proven way!’

“And we can’t just laugh about it. ‘Cause we’re all gonna die,” repeated news anchor Anderson Cooper on his late night show, Anderson 430. In fact, through two segments, he repeated the phrase, “We’re all gonna die,” much to the chagrin of his sponsor, a popular arthritis medication whose side effects include cardiac arrest, over a live announcement from the President on Health Care stimulus what-have-you, and on into the next commercial break. According to televisionist Harry Manjeena, author of the book TV and Why You Need It To Survive, ratings “shot through the roof.”

Queen of England fingers buttholeAdditionally, the Queen went on live television to finger her butthole, as if to prove that nuclear holocaust is real with a demonstration of the newly-defined irrelevance of any continued human record. “God bless, and fare well,” read the CNN subtitle as the North Korean national anthem played over the soft singing of whales. The fingering was crude and realistic, detailing the twisting and pinching of the Queen’s anal-hairs as she probed the insides of her yawning rectum. Brown and sickly nutrient-deprived feces smeared across her cottage-cheese butt cheeks that flapped in the wind coming in off the English Channel during her Final Parade.

“It was a spectacle,” said Tony Brown, England’s Prime Minister. “Truly a wonder of modern entertainment.”

England is said to be participating in this year’s First Annual Second Anniversary of the Domination of all non-human Mammals Ceremony, taking place at the bottom of the Sea, at Sealab. Sweet Jesus. The News has come apart into a vivid kaleidoscope of smiling and gestures of indifference over a dead or missing girl and your collapsing economy. But all’s well.

“As I stare at the television, stoned and happy, I realize there is nothing to be happy about,” said Roanoker Jann Winnerston during an Oxi-Clean commercial.

“Billy Mays Here!”Billy Mays