Asheville, N.C. — In a harsh economy of rapidly declining meme dankness, compounded by sheer pepe rarity, Internet Chronicle staffers say they could be forced to look elsewhere for gainful employment.
Even under duress, Executive Editor of chronicle.su Frank Mason, also known as hatesec, gives credit where it is due:
“Our teachers and family members always said this ‘internet shit’ would never amount to anything,” Mason said. “And I really have to commend them on their accurate assessments of my life choices!”
Mason said he will retire from the site later next year, at which point he hopes to find new work in 2016. Mason said he already has follow-up interviews scheduled for an entry-level waste management position pumping raw sewage from small tanks into larger ones.
“I figure I start out pumping sewage. It’s ugly work, but it pays, know what I’m saying? I do that for 10 or 15 years,” hatesec said. “And after somebody dies, I will get in line for a promotion and just hope I get it. I’ve spent enough time pumping out the Truth, and just look where that got me. Now it’s time to start pumping out something a little more honest than Chronicle barnburners: I’m talking about human waste. Baby, I’m gonna pump that shit like a throbbing cock of feces into the fat, engorged toilet-pussy of capitalism. I’m ready, but I just hope our sewers are.”
Internet Chronicle Managing Editor and staff philosopher kilgoar said he no longer plans to hide his love for fluorescent tube lighting and water cooler small talk.
“I’m looking for something in persona management,” kilgoar said. “And cubicle work – pushing papers, filing reports, and especially long, heavy eye contact at the water cooler – all that fuckin’ shit, that is the stuff of Anti-Leaders. We will take power, because we do not want it.”
Kilgoar said he is also considering work with children, pending results of a drug screening, which everyone knows should turn out just fine.
Young children, especially toddlers and daycare students, really respond to advanced rhetoric better than you might think. Parents can give love and put food on the table, but can they see why kids love my signature infantilism? Together with Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lebal Drocer Laboratories has developed a Daddy Complex so Wow, it is designed to breach the naive and defenseless young minds of suburbanite children, enabling us to seriously fuck with their little realities before they even know what corporatism is. This is, of course, extremely profitable and already deployed across American public schools.
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And finally, psychedelic troll and Internet Chronicle cyber warrior asshurtmacfags will pursue a real job in stripping.[pullquote]Stripping is just good woman’s work.
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“I’m fit, I’m athletic, and I’m just good people,” asshurt said Sunday. “I’m an old soul who is probably from like the ’70s so sexually I’m pretty free, you know. Stripping is just good woman’s work.”
It is tough being a woman in a man’s world. Women make 70% of a man’s salary and are often pushed out of jobs not by weakness of talent or lack of ambition, but the unfortunate sexual relationships that become all-too-prevalent in environments where the expectation of equality fails to exceed the expectation of some old guy’s cock, asshurt said.
“And that’s why I’ve decided to just go with the flow,” asshurt said. “You know, I can fight it, and I could go out there and try to make it work at the Chronicle, but it’s just not a safe environment for women and minorities. I mean, ‘Hate’ Radio? Come on. I’d rather be loved for my beauty than be hated for something pointless like achievements or ideas.”
