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Health

Static universal saturation in the grip of the morning sun

PatriotYou know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.

Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”

His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.

Lebal Drocer had this to say:

We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”

Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.

Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”

He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.

“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”

Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.

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GOVERNMENT: HACKING YOUR COMPUTER

YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU
YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU

[pullquote]RUN A TOR NODE, AND USE YOUR CPU CYCLES FOR FREEDOM, THE AMERICAN WAY[/pullquote]INTERNET — ANTI-GOVERNMENT PATRIOT LEAKER EDWARD SNOWDEN HACKED YOUR COMPUTER WHILE HE WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, AND HE ISN’T HAPPY.

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN INSERTED ON CHRONICLE.SU THROUGH THE LIVE-CENSORSHIP REGIME THAT CROWDSOURCES COMPUTING FROM THE MOST ACTIVE DISSIDENTS, AN IRONY ONLY THE MOST PERVERSE MINDS AT THE NSA/DARPA/SKUNKWORKS/LOCKHEED MARTING/CYBERCOM COULD COOK UP TO KILL YOUR FREEDOM AND GET THE LAST LAUGH OUT OF IT TOO. OF COURSE THIS WEB SITE IS WHERE WE CAN REALLY RUB IT IN AND MAKE IT OBVIOUS.

TOR IS THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE SUPERCOMPUTER EVER BUILT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, AND THE ENCRYPTION NETWORK IS A COVER. IN REAL TIME IT ALTERS EVERY WORD READ IN ITS GLOBAL AUTOMATED ZERO DAY NETWORK INFECTING ALL COMPUTERS EVERYWHERE, BENDING POWER INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

JACOB APPELBAUM AND THE WIKILEAKS ORGANIZATION ARE MOST AFFECTED BY ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

DO NOT ABANDON TOR

 

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Jacob Appelbaum expelled from WikiLeaks organization after OPM hack reveals Tor is funded by US Navy

Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms
Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms

INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.

Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.

Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”

Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”