Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — A former ISIS militant told reporters, after escaping into Turkey, that ISIS is, in his words, “A homosexual circlejerk, faggotry of the most despicable type imaginable.”

Speaking under condition of anonymity, the militant said, “You always hear about the sweet little white girls getting married off to big bad men in ISIS, but they don’t care for women except to pump out babies. What turns the fucks on are the nightly all-male orgies, and in their twisted reading of Islam, this disgusting stuff is smiled upon by Allah.”

The militant shrugged when explaining his logic for risking his life to flee ISIS, saying, “I was all for a holy war but not the gay stuff, so I quit. Didn’t worry about my life.”

Grinding his teeth in anger, the militant seethed, “First they light this huge brick of hash in this tiny little tent packed with big bearded men, and it just gets so smokey and everyone’s all screwed up. They rub up on each other, fondle and grab at each other, until they all get worked up and their cocks are real heard, and that’s when the circle jerking begins. They’re not much into ass fucking except when they capture a bunch of young boys, and that shit is so gruesome. These kids, sometimes infants, are just fucked to death, and there’s shit and blood all over their cocks. It’s an Ian Watkins nightmare.”

When asked if any of the rape victims survived, the militant nodded, “Oh, yeah, of course, in fact the survivors — if they’re young enough — they’re initiated and revered for their toughness, and they fight on the front lines of the battles. Those who survive but won’t fight are thrown off of roofs, so that ISIS can maintain its anti-gay image, but that’s all it is, an image. They know it sells well to the little white girls they need for breeding stock.”

INTERNET — Boy band star Zayn Malik has joined forces with Islamic terrorist group ISIS, after his former group, One Direction, waned in popularity and was torn apart by feuding.

Authorities say Malik self-radicalized by interacting with jihadis on the social media web site Twitter. Malik deleted a tweet just a few days ago that said, “One Direction — Islam!”

Malik has already put his talents to use and joined the Chanting Emirs, a traditional music group that produces Islamic chants and propaganda pop tunes for the Islamic State, selling its edgy, sexy image particularly to teens fed up with Western values.

UPDATE: Young girls, smitten with Zayne, have promised to join ISIS on the #JoinISISforZayn hashtag in a bid for the possibility of being Zayn’s wife. The #cut4Zayn hashtag similarly encourages young women to cut themselves in a desperate plea to get Zayn to give up his life as a terrorist.

INTERNET — Rael, founder and prophet of the nascent world religion Raelism, announced Friday that his human cloning facility in New Jerusalem, Israel is transitioning out of experimental stages and into full reproductive capacities. Speaking in a live internet broadcast to an estimated 80,000 followers across the globe, Rael said, “Preparations for the imminent arrival of the Elohim are nearing their culmination. Now is the time for the great pilgrimage, where the faithful will amass at the embassy for the Elohim in New Jerusalem and cleanse themselves in preparation.”

An anonymous Raelist bishop spoke with the Internet Chronicle, suggesting that a human cloning facility with the capacity for 1,000 births per year was judged by Rael to be a sufficient quantity to replace a small city’s need for sexual reproduction. The bishop said, “I know it sounds like scifi, but we’re expecting at least 10,000 adherents to immediately move to New Jerusalem, where sexual reproduction will be made impossible.”

Describing the process of entrance into New Jerusalem, the anonymous bishop said, “First, each person’s DNA will be sampled and preserved in three secret locations using alternate techniques, and then they will be surgically or chemically sterilized, depending on recommendations of doctors. Then they are given a numbered tattoo which identifies and ties them permanently to their DNA. Upon death, their DNA will be pulled from the banks and if all goes to plan a new child will grow to adulthood and continue the life and projects of the deceased.”

The anonymous bishop explained that the concern among the top echelon of Raelism was that the religion would become too popular, “Those with a permanent sexually transmitted disease are either denied entry or given a special mark identifying their status. We’ve been concerned that the existing demand for genetic immortality and a safe environment free of sex disease and pregnancy might shock the religion with new converts and we definitely don’t want to turn people down.”

The Raelist bishop added, “Cloning is not that hard, or even that expensive, and we’ve perfected it on a fairly industrial scale. I doubt we’ll be turning anyone down, in fact, franchise clone factories are already under secret construction in Asia and North America at so-called overflow sites where we are planning other clone-only Raelist cities.”