Chelsea Manning Reconciles with Adrian Lamo

Lamo recently left a polyamorous relationship as Kevin Mitnick's "bottom bitch"
Lamo recently left a polyamorous relationship as Kevin Mitnick’s “bottom bitch”

INTERNET — The world’s second most famous whistleblower, Chelsea Manning, and the hacker snitch who ratted her out, Adrian Lamo, reconciled in a passionate conjugal visit at the disciplinary barracks in Fort Leavenworth, Texas on Tuesday evening.

Manning disclosed her work with Wikileaks to Lamo in famous and tragic chat logs which are believed to have led to Manning’s subsequent torture and indefinite detention.

Manning wrote, in a letter addressed to the public, “I know Lamo deceived me. I trusted him like a priest at a confessional, but he turned me in. I still love him and forgive him. I get marriage proposals every day, and to be honest I just can’t trust any of my so-called fans. They don’t know me like Adrian — they think I’m some kind of a saint — and they just say whatever they think will make me happy . . . It may be his fault that I got caught when I did, but I was going to get caught sooner or later . . . Adrian doesn’t worship me, and right now that is the most valuable and rare thing in the world. If no one can understand this, I don’t care.”

The invisible widget

Is this you, right now?
Is this you, right now?

INTERNET — Every day, you go to work and consider it a privilege. In fact, you pay your bosses for what you have always considered a service. It’s fun to go to work.

You work for a few different bosses, depending on your tastes, but they are all sprawling monopolies that have usually cornered more than just one market.

Meanwhile, the invisible widgets you don’t know you are churning out are the hot product in the world’s fastest growing industry, easily worth trillions to your bosses each year.

Only a handful of your fellow workers are getting paid for their work, and if they are, the bosses don’t even tell them their wages. In fact, pay rates are a “trade secret” that change according to their whims, rules that are never disclosed. Speaking about pay in public is grounds for immediate termination.

The widgets you’re creating are made up of the ever-increasing wake of data and metadata left behind when you chat with friends on your favorite social media site, play a video game, watch videos, or order a book of medieval epic poetry.

It seems as if you are on the receiving end of great boons: Discount video games, books, and endless streams of movies that cost nothing or next to nothing. Isn’t it just too good to be true?

What has happened, likely without your noticing it, is that the harvest of your digital wake — your invisible widgets and labor — now easily pays for the negligible overhead needed for internet businesses to operate. Also, there’s the obscene profits.

You are paying to go to work for internet monopolies when you deserve to be paid.

As automation replaces jobs and increasingly leaves even educated young people with no hope for employment, it seems the one great light left for those starving and jobless because of things such as super-efficient combine harvesters is the production of data and metadata.

Like industrialization at the turn of the century, this informationalization of the economy has lead to monstrous exploitation which must be exposed and corrected. Unlike industrialization with its overworked children and terrifying factory floors, there is instead a sweet and pleasant dream overlaying the invisible exploitation and violence.

Edward Snowden has uncovered some ramifications of this informationalization with his revelations on the NSA. The major response from Snowden supporters has been to pull out of big data’s gaze with the use of cryptography. This view places the focus overwhelmingly on the rights of the individual, which must at all costs be preserved. Any of the potential sociological or valid security benefits possible with big data collection by government are in this view too often altogether discarded or ignored.

Rather than dismantle mass data collection, as Luddite textile artisans smashed mechanical looms, the informationalized economy must be democratized. Bosses need to pay their workers a fair wage and keep children off of factory floors. Collective bargaining and organization — a careful move away from the overburdened and even fetishistic emphasis on individual rights — can and will pave the way for new utopian dreams.


Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne Postpones "Bull Party"

Jamie Jo Corne, Trail Boss
Jamie Jo Corne, Trail Boss

With a fried voice and look of stoned desperation in her eyes, Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne delivered new orders Tuesday to her rapidly-growing cult following.

Corne commands her collective to delay the Washington Bull Party Plan until May 16.

The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the Capitol in Washington, D.C. and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand.

“This is what’s gonna happen,” Corne said, bumping her fists together. “This is when the people meet the government.”

She slammed the Occupy Wall Street movement for its pacifism, saying hers is the movement of True Change, adding that her changes might even lead to economic collapse as America returns to the barter system.

In her video message to the collective, the Trail Boss said she needed to push back the cattle rustling after speculation that a number of unidentified homeless people “went missing” and are being detained in FEMA camps. Corne ordered the farming collective to stand by while she and General Lee sort out the logistics of transferring people and animals into the gridlocked city of Washington, D.C.

“Large amounts of cattle … to herd them into Washington, D.C. is going to take a little bit more planning than 30 days,” Corne said over the clicking of the Battletruck hazard lights. “Not really planning, but prepping.

Corne said she is “sick of fucking around,” and to complete her plan, she will need cattle ranchers to volunteer to turn their cattle loose into the streets.

“There have been several, multiple cattle ranchers. Multiple,” Corne said. “A multitude of farmers coming through, that want to dump their GMO seed all over the place in Washington, D.C.”

Corne is Trail Boss of a group of farmers ready to take up arms against the government at any moment. Corne herself has already threatened President Barack Obama’s life: a stunning preemptive strike in what she and her people refer to as “the American Spring.”

The alternative effects of spreading genetically modified seed throughout the nation’s capital would likely be unknown for at least a decade, according to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an Internet Chronicle botany consultant.

“It might not change anything,” Troubadour cautioned. “But then again, shit could be pretty fucked up for a while. Let’s wait and see.”


The plan is to give Congress three days to comply with demands. Consequences of non-compliance, Corne said, will be delivered in phases. Retaliation will be exacted by seizure of ports by collective forces, restrictions on imports, and the burning of social security cards.

“I’m changing the date to May 16th,” Corne said, “and we’re gonna get shit done. We’re gonna git’r’done.”

This message is brought to you proudly by TerrorMax, from Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. TerrorMax: “Never forget” to Never Forget.