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World

Middle Eastern powermongering lost its thrill, Saudi leaders say

abuse-of-powerSaudi bombing raids are no longer fun, King Abdullah, leader of the Saudi Arabian peninsula, said after a Saturday bombing raid on Yemen.

“We bombed a 1,200-year-old mosque, a 13th century castle in Yemen, we bombed Syria, and today we even saw Egypt’s president Morsi sentenced to death,” Abdullah said. “It’s just not doing it for me anymore.”

The United States noticed the Saudi reign of terror was lackluster at best, Abdullah said, which is why they recently brought the Saudis into their juicy arms ring – a gun circle where computer-controlled ballistics, state-of-the-art rifles, and hegemony software packages are traded to allies.

“We were able to more systematically destroy neighboring cultures but once you’ve seen the death of one people’s spirit, you’ve seen them all.”

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Society

‘Trigger Warnings’ added to VCU college acceptance paperwork

Richmond, Va. — Knowledge is power and it must be checked, according to gender studies undergraduates at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia who say the material to which the university has exposed them triggers PTSD relating to past incidences of vicious cyberbullying they have experienced in their lives.

The young womyn, who have asked not to be named because capital pronouns impose prejudice, say the “mental rape” they endure from their VCU education even violates the sanctity of the controversial and rarely cited Title IX anti-rape law that makes rape in a place of learning extra bad.

Humanity’s history of war, genocide and slavery challenge the precious and unique nature of VCU’s fragile, recovering victims of the patriarchy. And it could happen to you, says one womyn.

“I was raped by Troilus and Criseyde’s codependency,” the person said. “Criseyde lived under the patriarchy and Chaucer, whose name is the root word of chauvinism, killed Troilus just to make Criseyde look bad. She had no choice but to cheat on Troilus. The patriarchy cheated on itself, if you ask me.”

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News

Snowden reveals secret Strategic Fracking office in Pentagon that “ignites volcanoes in communist countries”

This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking in the US
This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking.

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden came forward with startling evidence linking recent volcanic eruptions and earthquakes in communist countires to the top secret Strategic Fracking office in the Pentagon. The US military, according to the documents, leverages fracking regulation to facilitate patterns that will harm communist nations in South America and Asia while preserving American security.

Snowden previously withheld the evidence because this leak endangers US security and other superpowers may join in the weaponized fracking, causing further escalation in seismic activity. However, Snowden believes that public outcry could put a stop to the tectonic arms race. He told reporters, “What they’re doing is a fairly standard extension of practical geology that uses the incidentally induced earthquakes from fracking first to predict and then to create effects on the other side of the planet. In simpler terms, fracking is carried out in a strategic pattern designed to ignite volcanoes in communist countries.”

Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the US Geological Survey, resigned after the scandal broke. Troubador tweeted, “The Pentagon can take over USGS for all I care. I’m moving to Venzuela for the ash and lava burial I deserve.”