Avi Loeb has mathematically proven that aliens are real and are manipulating earth's financial markets.
INTERNET — Professor Avi Loeb of Harvard University believes that the world’s financial markets are at extreme risk of extraterrestrial control.
Loeb put on a fiery TED talk, dazzling audiences with his bombastic claims. Screaming and shouting while marching across the stage, Loeb’s presence resembled Elvis, “It’s estimated this entity, Satoshi Nakamoto, is worth $70 billion. We don’t know who it is, and we can’t even rule out it’s an extraterrestrial. We just don’t know what Satoshi is!”
Loeb pounded at the podium, leering at the scientists around him. Their amusement at his wild speculation revealed a lack of curiosity, driving him deep into frothing rage.
“Our world’s computers are laughably insecure. Look at what happened with CrowdStrike. Even our distributed and encrypted systems, for example bitcoin, what protection does that give against the computational power of potential aliens? That is where I begin to get suspicious.”
Loeb grimaced at his disinterested colleagues, emphasizing each word with increasing hate.
“Suddenly we have a secure system, and it still hasn’t been cracked after ten years. That is exceptional, but imagine that it’s not cracked for another hundred years, two hundred years. All the while, the aliens who secreted this technology under a pseudonym are building their assets. One day we’ll wake up and realize they fully scammed our planet out from under us.”
Loeb toppled the podium, “Oumuamua deposited hardware in our system and it is now somehow hooked into our computer networks. This analysis fully proves that these extraterrestrials are influencing everything from the stock markets to sports events. Everything is rigged, rigged, rigged.”
INTERNET — President Biden was rushed from his Delaware campaign headquarters to Walter Reed Medical Center Monday evening, after what a White House spokesperson called a “medical emergency.” President Biden passed away shortly after being placed on ventilator, presumably due to respiratory failure. The American military mourns the loss of their commander-in-chief, with flags across the nation flying at half staff.
Vice President Kamala Harris has been sworn into office during an emergency flight to Washington DC aboard Air Force One.
President Harris has ordered an end to the genocide in Gaza and the war in Ukraine, and promised to de-schedule psilocybin mushrooms and ketamine so that they’ll be more available for traumatized citizens. Harris announced, “We’ve got a lot of people with PTSD due to all these wars, and we’re going to make sure they can get some real medicine that actually works.”
President Biden was diagnosed with COVID-19, Wednesday, although critical billionaire activist Elon Musk noted the convenience of his sickness and inevitable death, “You want to hide the truth from the people? Well I know better. They killed Biden in a coup! This is a hostile takeover and they’ll never let Trump win. I’ve seen their plans. They’ve got a whole binder full of mass shooters lined up to take him out, but we will resist as best we can, using our inexhaustible high tech resources. We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”
Dr. Troubadour loves entertaining for children around the year.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour
CUTHBERT, Georgia—Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend community service by the courts, and has since graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles, California.
Dr. Troubadour, in search of neither fame nor fortune, but a secret third thing, never made a fuss over the important work he does entertaining at the children’s hospital, where kids are sick, braindead, or even dying.
“Stimky the clown” brings funny books & literature for the kids.
The Internet Chronicle caught up to Troubadour, ahead of the scheduled time he said he would be exiting the hospital in full clown costume and makeup. This, according to a glossy pamphlet that comes with the press kit: a box that when you open it a flower springs to life, grows to maturity, and dies in front of you, before squirting out a mysterious fluid onto your clothes. Ever the prankster, Dr. Troubadour’s work gained him notoriety and recognition from around the world, such as the time he pranked the American people with TerrorMax, which Det. Mike Lambert with the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Department says he substituted for over-the-counter Aspirin.
“He wasn’t even supposed to be involved in the manufacture process,” Lambert said. “Somebody let him into that Bayer chemical plant.”
Now, Troubadour is taking that silly spirit and bringing it to the children, who are laying there just a dyin in a hospital bed.
On Saturday, June 8, children were watching Columbo, with the sound off, in their beds when Troubadour exploded into the room. Hidden camera footage reveals the tender moment when Troubadour addresses the room for the first time, capturing their attention.
“Just got word from Nurse Bitchery says you little motherfuckers are all dying faster than the rest of us,” Troubadour said. “Well I got news for Nurse Bitch-Hole. SHE the one gonna have to live with all this death!”
The children erupted with laughter, cheering and applause. Dr. Troubadour was here. Right now. But they weren’t allowed to address him as such, for today, this was Stimky the Clown.
Stimky continued:
“Yeah I saw the look in her eyes, it’s taking its toll,” Stimky said, nodding enthusiastically as he scanned the room for smiles with wide open eyes. “It’s affecting her!”
Eight kids threw up their hands in jubilation. Stimky’s eyes rolled back in his head, as he wallowed openly in shared joy. However, he quickly regained his composure and began his opening remark.
“Now I know what you kids are thinking. Stimky. Your life is hell. How do you find it within yourself to be so god damn funny? Tell me how do you carry on, day in, and day out, with this Patch Adams horseshit? Tell me how. Okay. You want to know how I do it?” Dr. Troubadour said, in Stimky’s thick Brooklyn accent.
The children percolated with muted laughter, anticipating the punchline.
“Every morning, I look at my probation officer’s picture, and spit in his motherfucking face.”
The small audience of kids gasped and drew back. Troubadour recognized it was high time he started winning back this crowd.
“Maybe you kids don’t know what a probation officer is,” Stimky said. “Looking at some of you right now, I wish I was you.”
Stimky put on a clown nose and did his best silly walk, high stepping like Monty Python — a reference that missed the dying children by 50 years — as he demonstrated how he would go about kicking a corrections officer in the face, using a phrase he came up with on the spot in clown college:
“gak! gak! gak!”
With each cry, Troubadour did a sidekick, in perfect form.
BREAKING
BELOVED CHILDREN’S CLOWN DOCTOR ARRESTED
Dr. Troubadour is being held without bond at the Cuthbert City Jail. —Internet Chronicle
DR. TROUBADOUR ARRESTED, HELD WITHOUT BOND
It was at this point a nurse was called in and asked to stop the performance, ending Troubadour’s set with two hours left on the bill. He was escorted from the premise by the upstanding lawmen of Cuthbert Police Department, who were waiting outside for a signal.
“I didn’t want to see what was about to come out of that goofy medical bag,” Ranowski said. “He just had this look about him. You know? Like you could tell something wasn’t quite right.”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is being held without bond at Cuthbert City Jail. As such, Google Reviews for the facility have been removed in accordance with the Elite Privacy Cloud that follows wherever the doctor operates.
