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American Pickers Star Mike Wolfe Announces He Will Divorce Frank Fritz

 
Pickers’ stars in History Channel’s messiest divorce!

INTERNET — Sunday, Mike Wolfe of the History Channel’s American Pickers television program told reporters he would be divorcing Frank Fritz, following Frank’s outrageous Will Smith style slapping of “Big Hoss” from Pawn Stars.

Fritz told reporters after the incident, “The moment I recovered from Crohn’s Disease, Mike just didn’t care for me like he used to.”
Mike released a statement to the press which read, “Frank is being stupid, and he knows he was the one who was spending too much time on Elden Ring. We were never going picking enough because of his Crohns, the pandemic, and when we were watching through all the episodes of Angry Video Game Nerd we got into a bad fight. I was trying to make a joke about how Elden Ring was a shitty game, he took it the wrong way because of his Crohn’s. The truth is that in 2022, with this being the most popular game in the world, AVGN’s bit about shitty controls and difficult challenges in games just doesn’t slap like it used to and it was just aggravating. Now Frank’s calling me ableist and he’s trying to cancel me, but I’ve done nothing except try to make our relationship work throughout these hard times. I had to walk away. Also, I would like to send condolences to Big Hoss and his family. I’m sorry that you got drawn into this, and I still love you.”
Mike added, in bold text at the end of his statement, “Is this the end of the Pickers? Nope. No way. I see it as a new beginning. I’ve still got Danielle and she was always way better for haggling than Frank anyway. As a gay man I would be perfectly happy marrying her and her wife.”

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Video Gaming Legend Billy Mitchell Dead at 56

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of absolute video game legend, Billy Mitchell, also known as The King of Kong, who was found dead in his home in Pensacola, Florida Saturday morning. Police Coroners report that Mitchell was shocked to death while replacing King Kong’s native arcade hardware with a “Raspberry Pi” device commonly used in video game emulation and cheating.
Internet Chronicle reporters failed to reach any loved ones or fans who wished to speak about Mitchell’s illustrious video gaming career. However, one enterprising reporter reached out to Mitchell’s therapy eGirl, Meowdalyn, who told reporters, “He knew he was cheating, we all knew he was cheating. I mean whatever. He was still kinda good at games, I guess, but to him it was just a business. He always had to be the King.”
While still the undisputed King of Kong, Mitchell was also often the center of controversy. Famous for alleged “sockpuppeting” on the internet, Mitchell made use of anonymous accounts to infiltrate the chat rooms of his detractors and sow chaos. 
“He was a mastermind of psyops,” according to Jake Davis, former lead hacker of LulzSec and Anonymous. “He was in all of our backchannels for the Sony hack, for AntiSec. He’d send us so many bitcoins, too, I think he owned a Waffle House.”
In another dazzling and unlikely feat of heroic journalism, reporters contacted Sabu, the famous snitch who shut down all of Anonymous for five years. “Yeah that guy was a snitch too, just kinda hanging around the FBI buildings like a bum, working with me all along. He’d brag about cheating his ass off in games. Like, he had so many hacks to improve the chances in his favor, he was just popping capacitors in and out. Blowing his own ROMS. I don’t know why he was fucking with an emulator though, that’s lazy. I guess they’re getting better these days, though. Last week he told me they finally fixed the problem with the level loading patterns and he’d have the world record back. The old man could hack an arcade machine, I’ll give him that. His death is a tragedy, so much knowledge lost. Cut one too many corner, then like in Sonichu, Zap. That’s it.”

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Will Smith files for divorce from Jada Pinkett Smith

Reports indicate the Chris Rock and Jada Pinkett Smith are currently fucking, as Will Smith files final divorce papers.

INTERNET — Just weeks after Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Academy Awards, the actor and rapper is announcing he will be divorcing his wife of 25 years, Jada Pinkett Smith.

Jada Pinkett Smith was photographed escorting Chris Rock on Hollywood Boulevard Wednesday after their final divorce papers were filed. Rock told paparazzi, “Big Willie’s mistake was I’m into GI Jane. She’s hot! I like it when a woman pops off.”

Rock was later seen striking a paparazzi photographer, who got up in Jada Pinkett Smith’s face with his camera. Rock dramatically slapped the camera and shouted, “You keep my woman outta your lens!” The gaggle of onlookers broke into uproarious laughter.

This second slapping incident follows the suspicious swatting of Chris Rock, which took place just hours after media first reported Rock’s steamy new public affair with Jada Pinkett Smith. Rock was unharmed, and there is no word on official attribution, only a vague message from a hacker group called BigWillieSec, warning Rock that they will “simp slap” him again, if he continues to fuck Jada.

Jada Pinkett Smith announced her affair with Rock on Monday, posting on Instagram that the couple “found love in the midst of controversy,” as they posed in front of the Hollywood sign. Amber Heard, embroiled in another celebrity drama focusing on female on male mind-control and abuse, commented on the Instagram post to congratulate Jada Pinkett Smith on being a “True Queen.”