Categories
Special Interest Video новости

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

LOCAL ART “MAGAZINE” CENSORS ANTI-NUKE STORY

Roanoke, Va.–Recently, a website dedicated to sub-par musical acts and local artists took down an article written by beloved Elf Wax Times reporter Billy Walshe, probably following a complaint that it challenged a reader’s ignorant beliefs.

In a move critics around the internet are hailing as “a relatively inconsequential hypocrisy,” art website Roanoke Revolution took down an “anti-nuclear weapons” article written by one of Roanoke’s finest underground artists.

It was a move not to keep from losing advertisers, nor did Billy’s article challenge the “magazine’s” ongoing narrative of reality, since as of June, they could not yet have one, this being only their third update. It hardly challenged any belief about anything whatsoever, unless of course their editor, Jovan Rahsman, doesn’t support nuclear non-proliferation.

Roanoke Revolution's Empty June 2010 Rant Section

But according to fans on his website, Billy Walshe is “not one to directly attack an issue head-on” in the way his article’s deletion suggests in the minds of some critical thinkers. In fact, Billy is oft referred to as the “Carl Sagan of Nukes” among those privy to his backward-ass ideologies.

“Billy loves nuclear weapons,” said Niall Coffey in an exclusive interview with The Elf Wax Times. “He talks about ’em all the time. He even describes what it feels like to be zapped by a nuke when I’m really stoned, and sometimes he won’t let me stop imagining it.” Coffey even went on to describe nightmares of a fictional nuclear holocaust Billy Walshe sadistically imposes on him, well after the fact, regularly in his sleep.

As of right now, the article is still deleted. However, an editor of Roanoke Jingodilution said they plan to replace Billy’s article with the following video “as soon as we learn HTML”:

Billy told Elf Wax he has notified his hate group of this injustice and now armed white supremacists comb the nighttime countryside, trying to help find the deleted article, or women to rape in his honor.

It is strongly suspected by Lebal Drocer Senior Executive Officers Walshe was targeted for who he is, or perhaps his affiliation with The Glorious And Infallible Elf Wax Times. It is for this reason the staff considers removal of his article a celebration of his apparent greatness and acknowledgment of their website’s inferiority, and embarrassing unworthiness of his material.

Billy Walshe is an accomplished Appalachian craftsman, woodworker, musician, visual artist and status quo minion. In his spare time, he collects pogs and marches to find the cure for Gross Lesbianism.

lol

Categories
Politics новости

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.

It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.

“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.

He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”

Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”

The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.

“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’

The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”

Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”

Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”

To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.

Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.

Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.

While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.

Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.

Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.

In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”

There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.

The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.

Categories
Editorial Politics

VOTING DOES NOT MATTER

A vote for the president is a vote wastedI don’t understand why people still vote.

Who honestly believes the president will do what he says and as a result goes in to punch his ticket?

Based on their track record of failing to keep promises, you would think logic dictates that, “If a presidential candidate says he will pull our troops out of [insert ongoing foreign war here], but extends their tours of duty once in office, then shouldn’t I vote for the guy who says he wants war forever, because that is what I don’t want, and it’s what he is promising?”

Shit. I think I just figured out how I’m going to vote in 2012. That is, if I vote, which I won’t, because voting is for tools.

YOU HEARD IT AT ELF WAX: VOTING IS FOR TOOLS.

Because when you vote, you become a tool of the state, not of Democracy; and not a strong, useful tool but something more like a bullshit-absorbent sponge that when squeezed, produces a vote for whatever filth you retain. When they teach you that “the system works” by showing how when the majority votes on a candidate, or an issue, laws and policies change, it matches superficial cause-and-effect logic, but the side effects are neither seen nor tested. The system works, sure, but not for you, me, or the American people, or the people of the world. The system you legitimize through the practice of voting (or not) serves only the rich and privileged who ensure the elite maintain power.

This includes statesmen, conglomerations, corporate America, and people you’ll never know exist who orchestrate conflict-of-interest nightmare deals between government agencies and massive, reality-altering corporations. The end result is a sort of reverse-socialism where our decisions are made for us not by the government as Corporate News might have you fear, but by corporate interests themselves. The government is virtually powerless when one considers the proto-oligarchy of Wal-Mart, Google, Lockheed-Martin, the pharmaceutical industry and petroleum companies whose leadership is not comprised only of Americans but extends to all countries, including America’s enemies, in a trend called globalization. They vaguely touch upon this in high schools but due to an increase in difficult questions have shaved this discussion back dramatically.

So when people vote, and the faces change around – and new portraits are slapped up on the television screen, I know nobody’s surprised that the end result is the same, but they still complain like it’s that individual’s fault. The modern President is no more a leader today than Rush Limbaugh. That’s why he goes on shows like The View and talks to women. The illusion of power comes with his presence. But the truly powerful, any thinking man knows, live and die in the shadows. And tell Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Sarah Palin, and General Patreus what to do.

So why do people vote? What I thought was funny in a tragic sort of way is how massive numbers of people came out to vote in the 2008 election. It was based on hope, or perhaps to ‘shake things up’ if they voted for Obama and old-fashioned common sense if you voted for McCain – that is, until Sarah Palin miracled his penis erect long enough to coerce the Vice President slot out of him with sex. And then everybody knew better. But now Americans are probably learning the sad truth about how neither Hope nor ideology can overcome the gauntlet of constituency and special interest groups a president is faced with during his first week in office.

“You can’t change that fucking policy! And you’ll owe me billions, if you do! Also, I guess you like having Michelle and the kids alive, right? I like ya, Barack. You shoot a straight line. So don’t fuck me here. Go out and flash that toothy grin of yours and get me paid before I put your balls on the shelf next to Kennedy’s skull fragment, motherfucker.”

So…ignorance, I have concluded, is why people vote. And yet, because they vote, they consider themselves to be informed, as if it takes knowledge or a certain degree of intellectual prowess to vote. Hardest part is overcoming the distrust of a voting machine, these days. These things can be programmed to get Proxima Centaurians elected. I think dogs make just as good voters, what with their gut instincts and all that. And people’s guts probably said, “Go with Obama. At least he’s smart and seems well-intentioned.” However, no amount of good intentions can erase the cold hard fact that we are at war with our own inflationary military industrial complex, to feed the need for War, and for oil to propagate the American Way – even though we’re still shooting at the brown people. We were on our way to war on the New Pipeline and people were screaming “bring the troops home.” It’s eerily quiet and suddenly Obama announced pulling combat troops out of Iraq and leaving an infrastructural force. But, the people were told to expect our troops to come home based on an empty promise, so falling in with the narrative, he provided that. Enjoy your Kandahar Province push, American citizens. Because it’s happening. We got troops preparing to pipe oil in from places you don’t dare imagine during your drive-time commute, and you call yourselves good Americans because you vote. What are you voting to receive? The sticker on your shirt? “I voted!” Checkmark. Get fucked.

Nowadays, we vote with our dollars. Stop spending money on pharmaceutical agents and you’ll see marijuana legalized. You’ll see LSD testing start back up to truly cure the depressed and mentally sick so you don’t have to watch your loved ones lurch around like doped up zombie shells to the beat of the pilltray. Vote against war by protesting en masse at the gas station. Let ’em collapse. Nothing’s too big to fail, except the human race and the war machine will ensure that happens, on a long-enough time frame. Information is on the horizon that will destroy the need for current needs and probably your way of life. Get ready, voters. 38 liars just a month away. Another chance to feel good about yourselves. Another chance to respect these people because they’re good at putting money together and flashing a smile on TV. Another chance to destroy the human race, one action – or inaction – at a time; it makes no difference.