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Va. Lawmaker to Introduce Archaic Amendment to ‘Back-up Execution’ Legislation

CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE

Virginians are a-buzz over this shocking news!

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Prisons used electric chairs when pictures looked like this.
Prisons used electric chairs when pictures looked like this.

RICHMOND, Va. — The atmosphere is electric at the Virginia General Assembly, where legislators are charged up and ready to take a vote on the controversial “back-up execution” method. Political analysts have said State Representative and Freedom Enthusiast M. “The Patriot” Webert is hurrying to amend the bill to what he says is “a more aggressive state.”

The bill would establish “shocking to death by electric chair” as the default, primary execution method if drugs for lethal injection are not readily available because fucking Steven forgot to call the dealer.

“And what if the power goes out, what then?” a member of Webert’s staff stated in an email. “Are we supposed to just wait around until it comes back on? No. These rapers, chinks, and swampy’s need to go, and they need to go quickly. The subtext of the bill includes electrocution by car battery.”

Chronicle.su Resident Physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said capital punishment is important work that should not be entrusted to the free market.

“We don’t have all fuckin day. What, we gotta wait and see if the needles work, too?” Troubadour mused. “No time for that – here in Virginia, us boys will go straight to execution, the American way. That’s why they call it a Commonwealth.”

Troubadour, who is also a historian, said that although there was no death penalty before 1976, “it was still better to die back then.”

“And what we did back then” he said, “was torture them with true stories about Richard Nixon.”

Webert’s amendment appeals for five different back-up methods in case of a drug shortage. The first is electrocution. But in case of any electrical problems, the next outmoded four are: impalement; premature burial; suffocation in ash; and hanged, drawn, and quartered.

If Webert’s bill goes through, GOP leadership said they will ask Governor McAuliffe to issue an executive order televising state executions at pay-per-view premium prices.

The governor’s office was not available for comment at the time of this story. As to whether the governor would sign off or veto the bill, he still has not said.

But Webert has been assured that “If Terry is anything like me, he’ll be in the front row with a bag of popcorn. Hell, the first round’ll be on me!”

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Sports Status Quo World

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.

“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”

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Politics

CAPITALISM TO ENSLAVE MANKIND BY 2012

NO PHILOLSOPHIES NO GOLD NO MONEY NO WAGES, JUST SLAVERY

DOW JONES UP 12 POINTS FOLLOWING COLLAPSE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN! “GIVE ME SLAVERY, AND/OR GIVE ME DEATH.”

JUST LIKE YOU ASKED FOR, JUST THE WAY YOU WANT IT – THE BEGINNING OF HUMAN ENSLAVEMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU PROUDLY BY LEBAL DROCER, INCORPORATED

REDEFINING WHAT IT MEANS TO BE “AMERICAN-OWNED”

STEP RIGHT UP TO BE PUT INTO SHACKLES, MY DEAR LOVING READERS BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING AWAITING YOU – NOTHING BUT FEAR, AND ANXIETY. ACID, WORMING THROUGH YOUR UNUSED BRAINS. NOTHING, BUT A DISTANT SHIMMERING GLIMPSE OF SOME LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL BEYOND WHICH YOU PERCEIVE THERE TO BE SOMETHING
 a god perhaps?

when,

IN ACTUALITY,

IT IS MY HAND

 

THE HAND OF CRONY CAPITALISM

President Mitt Romney attacked his family on live television Sunday during afternoon prayer

VOTE

IN THE NOVEMBER ELECTION FOR YOUR FAVORITE UP-AND-COMING WAR CRIMINAL OF CHOICE,

THE AMERICAN DREAM!

BARACK OBAMA WILL IMPRISON YOU PHYSICALLY. ROMNEY, IDEOLOGICALLY!

 

CHRONICLE.SU - THE LEGEND

 

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President of the People Mitt Romney would not speak to chronicle.su on this matter.