CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE
Virginians are a-buzz over this shocking news!
**TRIGGER WARNING**
RICHMOND, Va. — The atmosphere is electric at the Virginia General Assembly, where legislators are charged up and ready to take a vote on the controversial “back-up execution” method. Political analysts have said State Representative and Freedom Enthusiast M. “The Patriot” Webert is hurrying to amend the bill to what he says is “a more aggressive state.”
The bill would establish “shocking to death by electric chair” as the default, primary execution method if drugs for lethal injection are not readily available because fucking Steven forgot to call the dealer.
“And what if the power goes out, what then?” a member of Webert’s staff stated in an email. “Are we supposed to just wait around until it comes back on? No. These rapers, chinks, and swampy’s need to go, and they need to go quickly. The subtext of the bill includes electrocution by car battery.”
Chronicle.su Resident Physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said capital punishment is important work that should not be entrusted to the free market.
“We don’t have all fuckin day. What, we gotta wait and see if the needles work, too?” Troubadour mused. “No time for that – here in Virginia, us boys will go straight to execution, the American way. That’s why they call it a Commonwealth.”
Troubadour, who is also a historian, said that although there was no death penalty before 1976, “it was still better to die back then.”
“And what we did back then” he said, “was torture them with true stories about Richard Nixon.”
Webert’s amendment appeals for five different back-up methods in case of a drug shortage. The first is electrocution. But in case of any electrical problems, the next outmoded four are: impalement; premature burial; suffocation in ash; and hanged, drawn, and quartered.
If Webert’s bill goes through, GOP leadership said they will ask Governor McAuliffe to issue an executive order televising state executions at pay-per-view premium prices.
The governor’s office was not available for comment at the time of this story. As to whether the governor would sign off or veto the bill, he still has not said.
But Webert has been assured that “If Terry is anything like me, he’ll be in the front row with a bag of popcorn. Hell, the first round’ll be on me!”
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