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Larry And His Flask

Richmond, Va.–Elf Wax Times went deep into the seedy underground of the Richmond music scene to find Larry And His Flask performing songs of hate around midnight of the 23rd at Cous Cous. Motherfuckers jammed.

“Basically put like fucking Modest Mouse together with some Jefferson Airplane shit and Larry’s what you get,” said VCU Criminal Justice major Kim Something Or Other. We got her phone number.

The vocals harmonized nicely with the guitars, but all the assholes dancing around The Elf Wax Times staff were rude and did not respect others’ personal space. The authorities were notified, however no arrests have yet been made because the police are lazy scumbags who’d rather insufflate an eight ball of confiscated blow than arrest college students, although that is their second priority because nobody was nice enough to hang out with them during high school to make sure they don’t power trip in the future.

So there were VCU pigs walking up and down Grace St. late last night. On a Monday night, there’s hardly a dude worth fucking with but the police found him: an old crippled guy in a wheelchair was sitting in a recessed doorway, pointed toward the wall when some dick cop approached him asking, “What are you doing here?” to which he responded, “I’m just chilling out.”

The Elf Wax Times did not stick around to make sure civil rights were respected because we have no compassion for even the seemingly homeless. Our apathy overrides even the most basic instincts of decency especially in the presence of law enforcement. This is because we have taken copious amounts of LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, morning glory seeds, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose tea, pills, duster, and the synthetic compound known as 2C-I. No big deal, but we ate that shit all at once, so fuck that guy in a wheelchair.

And fuck you. Larry and his flask will be on tour with the Dropkick Murphys (or whatever those fags are called), unfortunately opening for the bastards even though everybody knows it should be the other way around. Fuck mainstream music and fuck you for liking it.

Fuck the government for sponsoring Elf Wax Drunkenness and fuck your mother’s failed abortion that became you. We don’t like you and don’t want you reading The Elf Wax Times because you have not taken the sworn oath drug-influenced Elf Wax piety. When the revolution comes, you’ll be forced to eat fourteen doses of acid and watch The Wall while we drill messages of fear and totalitarian government control into your enfeebled brains. In your offtime we do respect your right to smoke cigarettes but not to religion. For religion, you must turn to Carl Sagan for guidance because unlike the rest of humanity you are now a glowing ray of light, no longer bound by the human form, for you can – and do – understand and know everything under the sun. In fact, you control it.

Now get fucked up watch FOX News because it’s what you’re designed to relate to – not us. We aren’t you and you’ll never be one of us. You’ll always be a fucking scum-sucking whore of the capitalistic enterprise over our freedoms of self. Wal-Mart owns you now, and Target is where you rebel. China runs our shit, and America strives to become them. Countries’ only meaning lies in how we identify ourselves. With enough trade, this will change and our so-called “identities” will meld with the world-dominating enterprise of necessity. We’re fucking doomed to live on and serve into perpetuity the human plantation we helped create. We, and free enterprise, which should also be destroyed or undermined by faithful Elf Waxers. Destroy yourselves, and you’ve destroyed the government’s income. Well done, suicide machines.

Vote against freedom. It’s what Elf Wax would do. It’s what you have been conditioned to do. But don’t be surprised when the voice of protest sounds like a large group of angry bluegrass musicians who don’t even sit down to play the drums.

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Entertainment

Limp Bizkit Inducted Into Rock and Rock Hall of Shame

Pictured here from left to right, three band members (presumably), Fred Durst, and David Blaine

 

CLEVELAND, OH–In it’s annual induction ceremony earlier this week, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame was pleased to welcome nu-metal pioneers, Limp Bizkit, into it’s newly founded museum. The band, which formed in 1994 in Jacksonville, FL, rose to moderate success riding the coattails of bands such as Korn and mixing the perfect blend of heavily distorted, simple guitar riffs and aggressive, juvenile rap lyrics, which subjects included everything from failed sexual encounters to breaking human facial structures.

“I think it’s pretty [depletive exleted] obvious that this was our goal from day one when we started jamming on some George Michael tunes” said Fred Durst, frontman/only actual band member. “By the time Chocolate Starfish [and the Hot Dog Flavored Water] dropped, even I was surprised people were still throwing away their scrilla on us.” Added Durst, “Damn right, I’m a maniac!”

While the other members of the band were unable to attend/didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything Limp Bizkit-related anymore, Durst gladly accepted the honor on their behalves and even pleased the crowd with a solo performance. An excerpt can be seen here: 

 

Other inductees this year included Third Eye Blind, The Spin Doctors, and Chumbawamba. Kid Rock, a notable genre-spanning awful “musician”, was not inducted to the museum of rock musical failures this year, but instead attended his induction into the Country Music Hall of Shame in Nashville.

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Elf Wax Choosic Now Available On Grooveshark

Gainesville, FL–The online music streaming service, Grooveshark®, was pleased to announce Tuesday, the addition of several songs from the Elf Wax catalogue to its expanding database. The company, which has increasingly become a rival to Pandora®, expressed its enthusiasm in a personal email to Elf Wax.


“We’re extremely excited to have your music on board.” said Brandon Billups, Head of Label Relations at Grooveshark®. “First of all, all the song titles are hilarious and the music is great too. I especially dug ‘Eye Don’t Half U’.”

Elf Wax Times’ own internet trend specialist, Dr. Wikip Edia, has stated, “Grooveshark® is an internationally-available online music search engine and music streaming service, allowing users to search for and stream music, for free. It’s audience grows anywhere from 2 to 3 percent a day.” Dr. Edia also added, “Citation needed.”

The addition of Elf Wax’s auditory gold is also a first for Grooveshark®; it is the first time that Choosic will be available for aural digestion on the website. Elf Wax and their parent uber-corporation, Lebal Drocer Inc., both hope that this new medium of interconnection will help spawn new Choosicians around the Pac-Man inspired universe. Back to you, Shep.

Peanut Margarine & Knome Gelly (pictured above) can at last be streamed anywhere free of charge.