Tag: police

Categories
Society

Misunderstood serial killer ‘indignant’ after he is mistakenly identified as a rapist

Preconceived notions of what it means to “look like a rapist” are being challenged in the Virginia State Supreme Court after admitted serial killer Victor Champ was apprehended by police in yet another case of mistaken identity, and having to go before dozens of police lineups following a rash of sexual assaults around college campuses in the Southeastern US.

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It was embarrassing… humiliating… and sick.

  • Victor “Angel of Death” Champ, known serial killer

[/pullquote]”Just because you might think I’m dressed like I want to rape somebody doesn’t doesn’t make it my fault when police stop me as I’m skulking around town,” Champ said. “What I do with my body is my choice, and I should not have to feel ashamed for wearing blood on my clothes, learning people’s habits, and sitting for hours in a van parked outside your house.”

A murderer calling himself Vince said there is no safe space where a murderer can openly be himself anymore.

Serial killer looking sad because he was mistaken for a rapist
“I just want by life back.” – Marvin Brooks, mass murderer

“We used to meet up at Pop’s Chocolate Shop on the third Tuesday of every month for ice cream sundaes,” Vince, who asked that his first name not be given, told Internet Chronicle on Thursday. “I would eat Victor’s cherries, because he couldn’t eat cherries.”

That’s when police began to notice the men. “We were just killing people in our spare time, doing our thing, having coffee together in the evenings,” Champ said. “But now it’s late at night. We’re stalking neighborhoods.”

A haggard and mangy bum whom Richmond locals call ‘Brooks’ said he knows when he is being profiled, and blames police prejudice for Champ’s recent mistreatment. Brooks says it isn’t fair how police believe all scraggly, cold-eyed men everywhere, wearing dirty clothes in cul-de-sacs are there to commit violent sex crimes.

“My god, we aren’t rapists!” Brooks said. “We were looking for murder victims. What do you think, I’m some kind of animal? No, man, I kill middle-aged businessmen who are on their way back home from the gym, and are too tired to put up a struggle, and later I mail pieces of their bodies to their family members over long periods of time. Okay, so please, spare me your judgment.”

Out of 25 police departments contacted for this story, none would respond but the Richmond Police Department, who most recently misapprehended Champ, the “Angel of Death” serial killer responsible for the murders and disappearances of more than 60 people from Alabama, Texas and Arkansas. RPD released a statement refusing to name the offending officer, adding only that the matter is being investigated internally, and they will punish anyone found fucking up or whatever, definitely. Just chill.

Categories
Local

Family grieving after white officer unloads 16 shots into Tamir Rice ashes

“We perceived a threat.” – Cleveland PD Officer Timothy Loehmann

Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann
Timothy Loehmann: You know you fucked up when they blur out everyone’s faces but yours

More tragedy Friday as disgraced Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann is accused of firing another 16 shots into the ashes of a Cleveland boy he killed previously last year.

Loehmann, who is back on the job after shooting and killing 12-year-old Tamir Rice, in a bizarre coincidence has now shot Tamir’s remains in front of the grieving family’s home as the ashes were being transported.

Loehmann said shortly after the escort, he sensed trouble, and repeatedly demanded to see Tamir’s hands. Loehmann, perceiving a threat, then drew his sidearm and fired 16 shots into the urn.

“I gave him every chance, but I couldn’t see his hands,” Loehmann said. “All I seen was threat.”

But this was only the beginning of a new nightmare for Loehmann’s career. Tamir’s ashes exploded into a cloud of dust and gunsmoke, choking responding officers with scorched ashes. Loehmann watched as Cleveland officer Garrett Carner lay in the grass, choking on powder.

“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” Carner cried out, gasping for air.

Loehmann said he could not stand by while Rice continued to attack his fellow officers.

“You don’t mess with the Blue Line,” Loehmann explained. “So I reloaded, and resumed efforts to neutralize the threat this suspect posed to myself and fellow officers.”

Officer Loehmann is known for his leader-like command of courage under fire. Following his lead, Loehmann and other officers fired dozens of shots into the cloud, striking Carner twice in the guts as he lay sprawled out on the pavement.

Tamir’s ashes were charged as an adult and later found guilty of attempted murder of a police officer, and sentenced to death.

The Cleveland Parole Board or something issued the following statement:

Today we mourn Officer Garrett Carner who was shot and suffocated by a savage, terroristic black animal from the projects. We do not yet know how detention officers plan to go about injecting lethal chemicals into a pile of carbon and bone-dust, but we are committed to the safety of our officers and serving the law-abiding citizens of Cleveland, Ohio. We will stop at nothing.

“Brothers like us don’t live too long,” the Rice attorney said. “That’s why we have to write so many rap songs.”

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Categories
Local Status Quo

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.

The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”

Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!

Comcast representative[/pullquote]

“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”

Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.

“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*

Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.

*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.