Categories
Sports Status Quo World

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.

“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”

Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism новости

NYPD Officer Signs Lucrative Pepper Spray Endorsement Contract

Anthony Bologna
Anthony Bologna protects freedom from socialists.

New York–NYPD officer Anthony Bologna, seen here macing individuals, has reportedly picked up major sponsorship from industry leading pepper spray manufacturer Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Some condemn the action as grievous, saying Lebal Drocer’s sponsorship of state terrorism is a predictable move toward a police culture that is protective of the rich and oppresses an American majority. However some hail the endorsement as a bold move into uncharted new marketable territories. It is a market Wall Street analysts said went untapped “for good reasons,” but has since shown promise of fresh capital brokers can’t wait to sink their teeth into.

Lebal Drocer spokesman Raleigh Sakers said Bologna has been on their radar since 2004 when he arrested anti-war protesters and made them sit in pee. Sakers said Bologna’s mistreatment of “faggy leftists” sat well with him but until recently was unsure of the officer’s ability to violate a larger number of civil rights in a shorter period of time using their product.

“We’re glad he’s willing to mace groups of people without hesitation or discrimination as to what they may or may not be doing at any given moment,” Sakers told reporters.

Since picking up a lucrative sponsorship deal from Lebal Drocer, Officer Bologna now has quotas to meet, which he said is difficult as competitors scramble for his endorsement of other crowd control related paraphernalia such as riot shields, stun guns, police tasers and rape sticks.

To meet the daily objectives Lebal Drocer has set out for him, Bologna routinely employs the help of fellow officers by asking them to encircle peaceful protesters with orange netting, wherein he is able to mace upwards of dozens at a time in one effortless sweep of the arm.

Hardest of all, said Bologna, is all the work yet to be done. With social upheaval on his doorstep, and protesters rattling the very foundations of the old American Corporatocracy, Bologna said he is but one man, among so many.

“I’d mace them all, if only I could,” he said.

Categories
Law Society

Local Man Issued Citation For Driving Correctly Near Children

"Yes, I was in perfect control."
“Yes, I was in perfect control.”

Clarksville, Tn.–Today, a bitch-ass pig gave a really cool guy an award slip in recognition of his driving prowess.

Elf Wax writer Feces McGee was on his way from an executive meeting of winners when he was pulled over for driving the speed limit through a school zone.

He was cited the Award for Driving Near or Under the Speed Limit in presence of children; however because children are somehow more important than normal tax-paying citizens, everyone must drive twenty miles per hour slower when near them, or else Darwinian evolution might be allowed to unfold as it should, and McGee was doubly awarded the privilege to pay homage to their budding potential through the local court system.

Officer Bill Oinkenheimer of the Clarksville Police Department in Montgomery County, Tennessee said all proceeds go toward new police tasers which are used to defend our freedoms.

“Without this bad boy,” Oinkenheimer said, tapping his yellow snub-nosed taser, “I’d be nothing.”

However, independent sources have verified police officers are in actuality less than nothing. Considered by many American citizens to be a gang-like abscess on society, police officers rarely defend the interests of the people or the misplaced values inherent in the United States Constitution, in spite of the fact every precinct is a Federally accredited agency.

But the Montgomery County Police Department said in a statement Tuesday the police don’t exist to uphold the constitution – and no one does. The job of the police, their spokesperson said, is to help get people in a place where God can sort them out. Many times, this involves prison, unorthodox beatings, or a good old-fashioned lynching. “What people gotta understand,” Officer Oinkenheimer contested, “Is that the Constitution is merely a guideline for how things orta be. We do things differently here in Montgomery County. For example, just look around you: see any blacks?”

Indeed, Clarksville, and all of Montgomery County, for that matter, consists of poor white trash, and what good fortune it is to the world their accidental, snaggle-tooth offspring are protected by 100 feet of a too-slow-to-even-make-sense-of-it-in-time speed limit.