Tag: roanoke revolution

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Local Special Interest

Internet "Not Anonymous Enough" for CHRONICLE Writer Old Brutus

Ol’ B

In a trend that appears to be sweeping the Chronicle.SU, resident columnist and editor Old Brutus has reportedly snubbed fame and left the Internet, saying true anonymity can not be achieved online. “Fuck that NSA Octopus,” he said.

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Fuck that NSA Octopus!

-Old Brutus

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But anonymity is not the mysterious writer’s only motivation for leaving the Web in exchange for newspapers.

Old Brutus, who recently discovered the Deepnet, or Dark Net, shut down his laptop Tuesday, saying, “That’s it. I’ve seen the entire Internet. I’m done.”

When asked what he plans to do in the absence of 4chan and its bottomless supply of jailbait, Old Brutus told the Chronicle this:

There ain’t shit out there for me that I ain’t already seen. Child porn? Hell, I was havin’ sex before I knew what sex was. My best friend had to tell me what me and his sister had just done together. Bomb-manufacturing? Shit, the Anarchist Handbook is just copied and pasted from the annals of Chronicle.SU! DRUGS AND BITCOINS? NIGGA, I HELPED APPERSON ‘N PICKARD MAKE THE WORLD’S SUPPLY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE OUT OF AN ABANDONED MISSILE SOLO TILL TWINNY OT FO’!”

Indeed, Old Brutus is a man of many worlds whose “dick don’t never go down.” Sources indicate he has regressed to the use of a 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter and pleasures himself via phone sex while looking through a window into his neighbor’s yard.

Old Brutus can be found busking on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina, like a bum, for marijuana and dollar bills – or whatever you will give him. Toenail clippings and old receipts have uses, he said, but refused to go into detail about what those uses may be.

The Chronicle remains staffed largely by psy-operatives and cyber-intelligence officials who hate your freedom. Our CIA-enhanced pseudo-intellectual framework of satirical propagandist innuendo promises to continue subverting your ideology and feeding upon the very fears which we nurture inside each and every one of you. Now read. It’s okay. Read.

Loving endorsements from the omnipotent Lebal Drocer, Inc. ensure that the Chronicle will never die, but in fact absorb all weaker publications, such as pravda.ru, anonnews.org and Roanoke Revolution.

In related news, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of roanoke revolution dot com. We hope you will enjoy the bland mediocrity of a culture where depth is only a measurement of the polluted river upon which it was founded.

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Local новости

chronicle.SUE

We received this email yesterday. The subject line reads ‘Response to “No Nukes Like Good Nukes“‘ and it pretty much speaks for itself.

Hi Billy,
Your rant is back up on the June archives of RoanokeRevolution.com. I
don’t know why it disappeared, but it was not on purpose.
I know your website is intended to be funny, and I appreciate the
Onion-esque humor. However, there is an issue with misrepresentation,
especially in a small city like ours. Libel is a serious subject in
the media world, and even if you’re joking, you are not legally
allowed to misquote people, or say or imply anything untrue that could
potentially damage that person’s reputation. I hate to seem like a
killjoy, and I enjoy fun jabs as much as anyone, but if you do some
quick research on libel, you will see “No Nukes Like Good Nukes”
crossed a line. Roanoke Revolution is most definitely anti-censorship,
but an article like this that contains libel cannot legally be allowed
to remain published online.
By the way, this entire email is off the record; it is a business communication.
I could not find James Galloway’s email address, but please share my
email with him.
Thank you. Please don’t hesitate to call me if you want to discuss.
Email is often a brewing ground for misunderstood sentiments.
-Clarissa Clarke
Roanoke Revolution

Because of Clarissa Clarke’s elementary writing skills and reactionary legal instincts, we can only assume she must be kind of cute, or possibly has the sexy librarian thing going on [also, remember Clarissa Explains It All? History is definitely on her side…] so we were nice enough to remove her phone number from the email, which contains a few incredulous logical fallacies.

For example, they might as well attack us for being pro-jong-il if they consider the rest of the site credible as well. So is it true that in addition to being in full support of preemptive nuclear warfare, the Roanoke Revolution staff cares more about their reputations than the poor fucks jong has kept in his prisons, guarded from knowledge of anything else?

Soviet Chronicle meets Roanoke Revolution
The Roanoke Revulsion's recent confrontation with the Soviet Chronicle is best characterized as a mirror facing a mirror, looking onward into an infinite spiral of self-aggrandizement.
Categories
Special Interest Video новости

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

LOCAL ART “MAGAZINE” CENSORS ANTI-NUKE STORY

Roanoke, Va.–Recently, a website dedicated to sub-par musical acts and local artists took down an article written by beloved Elf Wax Times reporter Billy Walshe, probably following a complaint that it challenged a reader’s ignorant beliefs.

In a move critics around the internet are hailing as “a relatively inconsequential hypocrisy,” art website Roanoke Revolution took down an “anti-nuclear weapons” article written by one of Roanoke’s finest underground artists.

It was a move not to keep from losing advertisers, nor did Billy’s article challenge the “magazine’s” ongoing narrative of reality, since as of June, they could not yet have one, this being only their third update. It hardly challenged any belief about anything whatsoever, unless of course their editor, Jovan Rahsman, doesn’t support nuclear non-proliferation.

Roanoke Revolution's Empty June 2010 Rant Section

But according to fans on his website, Billy Walshe is “not one to directly attack an issue head-on” in the way his article’s deletion suggests in the minds of some critical thinkers. In fact, Billy is oft referred to as the “Carl Sagan of Nukes” among those privy to his backward-ass ideologies.

“Billy loves nuclear weapons,” said Niall Coffey in an exclusive interview with The Elf Wax Times. “He talks about ’em all the time. He even describes what it feels like to be zapped by a nuke when I’m really stoned, and sometimes he won’t let me stop imagining it.” Coffey even went on to describe nightmares of a fictional nuclear holocaust Billy Walshe sadistically imposes on him, well after the fact, regularly in his sleep.

As of right now, the article is still deleted. However, an editor of Roanoke Jingodilution said they plan to replace Billy’s article with the following video “as soon as we learn HTML”:

Billy told Elf Wax he has notified his hate group of this injustice and now armed white supremacists comb the nighttime countryside, trying to help find the deleted article, or women to rape in his honor.

It is strongly suspected by Lebal Drocer Senior Executive Officers Walshe was targeted for who he is, or perhaps his affiliation with The Glorious And Infallible Elf Wax Times. It is for this reason the staff considers removal of his article a celebration of his apparent greatness and acknowledgment of their website’s inferiority, and embarrassing unworthiness of his material.

Billy Walshe is an accomplished Appalachian craftsman, woodworker, musician, visual artist and status quo minion. In his spare time, he collects pogs and marches to find the cure for Gross Lesbianism.

lol