Tag: satire

Categories
Special Interest

Why reddit incorrectly deleted a chronicle.su story from its frontpage (and why we’re happy to see it)

"Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn't REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT."
“Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn’t REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT.”

Today OP posted an older chronicle.su story to reddit, and about two hours ago, it was deleted. I don’t take issue with the fact it took so long for the public to pick up on this story [Editor’s Note: who’s kidding who, like I give a fuck? I take issue with nothing. Stop oppressing me, shitlords!!!!]

That’s fairly typical at every level of journalism. Information might become available instantly, but it can take ages to disseminate. This is normal, especially when so much technical jargon is involved.

But before we tear down reddit for being a POWER-LOVING SHITHOLE, I would like to point out that I also really enjoyed some reddit users’ reactions to my material, a lot of it seen for the first time by more than 30,000 people.

reddit1

But on down the page I noticed complaints, with only a few upvotes, suggesting that because chronicle.su is “satire” the story should be taken down without any respect to whether the actual content of the story was true. Nothing is ever funny, just because it’s true, right?

Now, when I wrote the story, I expected the news about DEITYBOUNCE and GODSURGE to take a while for the public to catch on, because it requires at least some familiarity with system and network security to understand, even in the simplest of terms. Also, I knew that because I delivered the story with that Internet Chronicle-brand gusto, people would never actually believe it, even though every word of it is true. But I did that on purpose, because I do this for myself, and all that matters is that I know the difference between bullshit and reality.

However, after 18 months, I finally got to see the conversation unfold that I wanted to see around the particular subject of ARKSTREAM: there were upvoted discussions around actual facts contained in the story.

If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE's machine.
If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE’s machine for ANY reason.

But as soon as I saw we had hit the reddit frontpage, I knew the story would be deleted not because it was untrue, but because chronicle.su is a place where even we, the writers, don’t know whether the next story is going to be Onion-oriented satire, factual news, hard-nosed political commentary, or a combination of truth and joking, seasoned for effect with convenient quotes by nonexistent people.

I was on the phone with kilgoar when I said, “You know it’s going to get deleted, right? People hate seeing us succeed.” I guess it’s because we do whatever we want to do, and we have fun, and they’re jealous equally of our dank memes, Internet pussy and unfathomable political power.

Seriously though, people hate us because they think running an Internet Hate Site™ is easy, like anyone could do it. And they’re right, it’s very fucking easy after you’ve done it for 8 years and know what you’re doing. [Editor’s note: Not to mention, WordPress is a fucking joke.] But they didn’t start their own websites; in fact, most everyone – including yourselves – are losers who never actually did anything with their boring-ass lives, so you have to shit on everybody else and drag everyone else down. The only way you know how to process the vibrant, beautiful world we live in is through your gray sunglasses like you have it all figured out, and all you’ve figured out is SHIT, so the whole world looks like shit to people like you. I know this because I was you. You either grow out of it or grow into an old bitter turd, stinking up the room. Reddit saw the neckbeards remark at the end of my article and instantly hated it, because only a redditing neckbeard would ever suggest a story be taken down from reddit, a content aggregation site known for its commitment to accuracy and integrity.

What a fucking loser.
What a fucking loser.

Just the facts, funny-guy

My article was a combination of straight news mixed with obvious commentary for spice. So the moderator of /r/technology really didn’t do his homework, electing instead to answer MODS MODS MODS, GET IN HERE. ‘Finally, a chance to feel useful!’ thought the reddit moderator. ‘This will validate my existence!’ And so with authority and conviction, he deleted my true, factual story from the top of the technology subreddit, because The Internet Chronicle is a satire news site. Yeah, you moderate a fucking subreddit, big deal. The Internet Chronicle doesn’t belong on reddit anyway, because reddit is a shitty website built on a shitty, exploitative premise. And let me tell you, it was a real battle of superpowers today, ladies and gentlemen. It was real barnburner.

There might be some syntactical disagreements with the order of events in which Ross Ulbricht’s activities were finally uncovered, but that doesn’t make the article wrong. In fact, when the news broke of Ulbricht’s arrest, this information was still totally unknown, and the online usergroup he contacted for tech support may well have led to his discovery, since only a handful of people were using those commands online, and Ulbricht’s commands and the way in which he requested help for them served only a very small set of specific purposes, namely the secure movement of information along two unique online databases of illegal buyers and sellers.

If you’re curious, that was really him on the website, and the other users only realized it well after he was arrested. I know this for a fact because I participate in online discussion. In other words, lurk moar, faggots. An actual, useful moderator on the tech forum later confirmed the request was made by a single-use Tor user. If I wanted to make something up for laughs, I would not have been so dry as to point to an unknown website to make a remark about an unknown line of dev code. You fucking unknown tryhards.

But I’m sure you’d rather buy the FBI’s explanation, anyway, since you’re the kind of person who gets his news from reddit comments.

Now, how did we appear at the top of the Technology frontpage? Well, it turns out OP is a faggot pretty cool guy, who proves … basically the entire point of this website.

reddit-OP

And the point is you’re a bunch of gullible, mouth-breathing idiots, who are willing to suck any powercock that comes within inches of your open lips. Whether it’s wiki-power, Snowden-power, military-power, police-power, upvoting-power, Chronicle-power, or just plain old power-power, you’ll still suck the end of that dick and swallow the seed that makes you sick, because all you want is a taste. A tiny little taste of that power.

Well, here it is, so drink it down, MOTHERFUCKER. Go fuck yourself, reddit.

Go fuck yourself, Internet.

This is The Internet Chronicle, and you’re reading chronicle.su.

We hate you.

num, num, num. Oh, give it back, Daddy, let me suck the powercock. I almost tasted it. I can smell your powercock, Daddy, just let me have a little taste. Give me a little tiny taste of powercum, Daddy. I want to taste it.

The Internet Chronicle is a Powercock Publication, brought to you Proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We are behind every iteration of the world superpowers.
Categories
Editorial

Has WikiLeaks become a tabloid?

When Julian Assange revealed the collateral murder video in Washington DC, I was so incredibly glad that someone had finally brought light to the horrors of war. After learning the effect that such reporting could have from the Vietnam war, the US government has essentially taken complete control of war reporting. I was less impressed with Cablegate, which raised a lot of questions for me. Was the publishing of this information simply a manifestation of Assange’s anti-American bent? Was it possible to even view these cables in the proper context? At this point in time, I still sided with Assange and felt that Bradley Manning’s good intentions and idealistic desire for transparency would make for a better world.

WikiLeaks was marginalized and then demonized in a way that shocked me deeply. I was inspired by the response from Anonymous, and quickly shocked by the pure extremism which climaxed with the FBI’s AntiSec sting operation. Likewise, the publishing of Stratfor’s internal e-mails, which were stolen simply out of opportunism and malice, was absolutely horrifying.

WikiLeaks has become a tabloid, cheerleading for Anonymous and publishing snippets of e-mails from Stratfor which are taken wildly out of context. One infamous quotation of George Friedman, CEO of Stratfor, has been misrepresented in a deeply crass and disgusting way. As is the rule for tabloids, outrageous headlines obscure the true story.

Oh, that must mean Stratfor is not to be trusted!

The link, of course, leads a tiny minority of readers to a silly e-mail about lunches being stolen from the fridge at Stratfor headquarters. The vast majority of people read the quote and go on to the next tweet, automatically assuming that Stratfor is a bunch of conniving liars. The notion that Stratfor is a “Shadow-CIA” has also spread to all corners of the Internet, although it is a gross misrepresentation at best. Really, Stratfor isn’t nearly as sinister as it might sound.

Supporters of WikiLeaks repeatedly state that Stratfor is a legitimate target for this campaign of forced transparency simply because its business overlaps with the military industrial complex. While I fully agree with the sentiment that the military industrial complex is basically an overgrown monster, is it okay to attack Campbell’s soup for feeding the troops? This simple bad guy/good guy paradigm is obviously not realistic, and the situation is much more complicated. Stratfor provides their services to many corporations, individuals, and government entities both in and outside the United States. Many of these subscribers have been targeted by Anonymous and literally robbed, seemingly for no reason at all. The suggestion that there are important confidential e-mails dripping with scandal and crime has so far proven totally false.

What the Stratfor leaks have revealed, essentially, is that there are a bunch of analysts doing their best to figure out world events and speculating about practically every major happening. Some of these analysts don’t really like Julian Assange, and some of them even make racist statements in private e-mails. On the surface, the Global Intelligence Files appear to be an astounding list of revelations which will keep conspiracy theorists abuzz and WikiLeaks in the public spotlight. At their heart, it’s a sad failure for truth where context has been cut out to push an obvious anti-American agenda.

Right now, you might be thinking, “Hey, but all these tabloids are trying to take down WikiLeaks and smear Assange,” and you’d be totally right. But Assange has fired back, making equally outrageous claims about his detractors. The reductio ad absurdum of Assange’s stance is summarized in the following tweet:

Of course the e-mails from Stratfor are legitimate.

I have considered Assange a genuine agent for positive change and much needed transparency in the past, but this is the tweet that made me realize what WikiLeaks has become: A stupid tabloid with a penchant for the absurd. Look at the web site around you. This is absolutely the Internet’s fastest growing tabloid, featuring intelligent and biting satire. I know what a tabloid does. WikiLeaks has become a tabloid.

I challenge Assange to officially recognize the importance of context. Assange should pony up the $50,000 because I pointed out where he literally destroyed veracity by placing a quotation wildly out of context. And what is truth, if the framework of meaning behind it has been omitted?

A tabloid we may be, but at least we aren’t perniciously cramming a single-minded agenda down your throat by twisting the context of stolen material. Well, I guess we are, but at least our agenda is just all about the laughs. Kinda.

Categories
Editorial Special Interest новости

Chronicle.SU is WRONG

Adrian Chen hates satire
Adrian Chen attempts to block the view of Tlingit masks he said are "also wrong."

I’m Adrian Chen, and I know many things. I mean, there are a lot of things I know. I know stuff about politics, the Internet and hacktivism because I myself am a troll hacktivist. I try really hard to know as much as possible about what Anonymous tweets, and especially LulzSec, Sabu and reddit.com. But what I know most of all to be most factual and more true than any other fact on the Internet, is that the Chronicle.SU is wrong.

They are wrong about many things, especially the stuff I know more about than they do. I write for a website called Gawker, which is never wrong, and always right. In fact, since I can’t seem to find any satire websites with balls enough to tackle hacktivism on the internet, I am thinking about starting my own satire site, in which I replace the word “write” with “right” – because I am always right! (I’m a righter! Get it?)

One of the things Chronicle.SU is wrong about is Sabu of LulzSec and #AntiSec being a brown guy named Hugo. They are especially wrong about that because they wrongly Photoshopped an image of Hugo’s face as the leader of #ANTISEC, the group competing against Anonymous for most lulz. WRONG! He’s not the leader, fucking idiots! Sabu is! And Sabu isn’t Hugo! Jesus.

Adrian Trolls
Chen: "Chronicle.SU was also wrong when they said I was wrong about who invented Anonymous porn. I knew Chronicle.SU already invented Anon porn. I wasn't wrong. I was just trolling them behind their backs because that's how Adrian rolls."

You know, if the Chronicle.SU was a satire website, this would almost be forgivable, even though LulzSec is no laughing matter, but this is an egregious error on the part of Chronicle.SU Editors, right on up to the executives and I’m speaking out!

If I were the owner of that newspaper, and it wasn’t some socialist experiment of a defunct military state like the Soviet Union, I’d call a company-wide meeting to talk about fact-checking and making sure we never run anything wrong, ever again. Because like I said earlier, Gawker has never run a single wrong thing – not with MY name attached to it, they haven’t. The Chronicle.SU is the most inaccurate, least factual source of information I’ve ever read. And yet, I keep coming back for more! It’s sickening.

I have a message for you Chronicle.SU readers out there who fall consistently for their lies and disinformation. You ready for it? Here it is, BIG NEWS BABY HERE WE GO:

The Chronicle.SU is a propaganda tool of the disinformation arm of the United States Government.

During Psy-Operative campaigns by the CIA, the Chronicle.SU was imbedded in IRC chats distributing pro-wikileaks articles and information so biased toward truth we jokingly called it truth-propaganda around the Gawker office. And they released DDoS instructions, toolkits and PHP-based starter kits to help lies spread faster, no matter what they were; they even helped build the Louise Boat. Simply disgusting.

Get a clue. Avoid Chronicle.SU