Local Man Issued Citation For Driving Correctly Near Children

"Yes, I was in perfect control."
"Yes, I was in perfect control."

Clarksville, Tn.–Today, a bitch-ass pig gave a really cool guy an award slip in recognition of his driving prowess.

Elf Wax writer Feces McGee was on his way from an executive meeting of winners when he was pulled over for driving the speed limit through a school zone.

He was cited the Award for Driving Near or Under the Speed Limit in presence of children; however because children are somehow more important than normal tax-paying citizens, everyone must drive twenty miles per hour slower when near them, or else Darwinian evolution might be allowed to unfold as it should, and McGee was doubly awarded the privilege to pay homage to their budding potential through the local court system.

Officer Bill Oinkenheimer of the Clarksville Police Department in Montgomery County, Tennessee said all proceeds go toward new police tasers which are used to defend our freedoms.

“Without this bad boy,” Oinkenheimer said, tapping his yellow snub-nosed taser, “I’d be nothing.”

However, independent sources have verified police officers are in actuality less than nothing. Considered by many American citizens to be a gang-like abscess on society, police officers rarely defend the interests of the people or the misplaced values inherent in the United States Constitution, in spite of the fact every precinct is a Federally accredited agency.

But the Montgomery County Police Department said in a statement Tuesday the police don’t exist to uphold the constitution – and no one does. The job of the police, their spokesperson said, is to help get people in a place where God can sort them out. Many times, this involves prison, unorthodox beatings, or a good old-fashioned lynching. “What people gotta understand,” Officer Oinkenheimer contested, “Is that the Constitution is merely a guideline for how things orta be. We do things differently here in Montgomery County. For example, just look around you: see any Niggers?”

Indeed, Clarksville, and all of Montgomery County, for that matter, consists of poor white trash, and what good fortune it is to the world their accidental, snaggle-tooth offspring are protected by 100 feet of a too-slow-to-even-make-sense-of-it-in-time speed limit.

NEW MANDATE: Guns for the Blind

lol, aim a little more left
lol, aim a little more left

Midlothian, Va.–Recent studies have shown that Blind people are 37% more likely to be robbed or subject to senseless beatings than other handicapped persons. While the reasons remain withheld, the government has taken action to stop this recent trend by adding a new section to Title V of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Dubbed “Project Blindfire,” this section states that all blind people in the United State are required to carry a government issued M1191 pistol at all times.

In addition to the handgun, a 2 week training program is required to be taken. During the course many effective aiming techniques are taught as well as proper gun care. Other optional courses include archery and crossbow training, hand to hand combat, jujutsu, muay thai, crochet, and salsa dancing.

While skeptics remain uncertain about how effective the new program will be, the ADA has utmost confidence that within the next few months all blind people in the United States will be self-reliant death machines. When we asked how the program has begun to teach America’s most vision impaired citizens to shoot with precision, we were given an astonishing answer:

According to a study done by the Bureau for Blind Studies, all people with a vision field of less than 20 degrees can be trained to use echo-location. This means that before each shot, the gunman must let out a high pitched yelp to temporarily shock and determine the location of their assailant. (Other animals that use echo location are dolphins and whales. It is though that, if given time, dolphins and whales can be trained to one day patrol the oceans.)

artist's impression of pending ADA amendment
artist's impression of pending ADA amendment

Other parts of this new ADA amendment state that because of the unfair advantage of giving a firearm to blind person, their seeing-eye dog must also be blind. The best way to do this is with a spike and a hammer. But don’t worry, it isn’t as inhumane as it sounds. Because the seeing-eye dogs are blind, they too will be issued firearms.

An inside source, who spoke under the condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to give out sensitive information, told the Elf Wax Times the new mandate is part of a government plan to blind everyone, incentivizing blindness with free pistols under the guise of personal safety. “What the people don’t realize,” he said, “Is we won’t even need a shadow government anymore. Everybody’s blind. Now, all we need is a quiet government to sneak up on you.”

Handgun enthusiasts are awash with moonshine-induced blindness following announcement of the new amendment, which isn’t expected to be implemented until late 2012, which Elf Wax analysts say will be “too late.”

The majority of the world’s dolphins, however, voted in favor of the amendment, but because the amendment makes them underwater gun slaves, each individual vote only counts for three fifths of an actual vote, and it was not passed, thus freeing them again.

System Administrator Disappears Under Duress, Drug Psychosis

St. Louis, Mo.–Twisted combinations of acid and 24-hour news have turned one local man’s life into a waking nightmare.

Steven Phelps was a system administrator for the network at Lebal Drocer Incorporated for three years before LSD destroyed his life and evolved his consciousness into a nightmarish new reality so “terrifyingly unreal” that he prays for death.

He ruthlessly climbed his way to the top of the company network, turning in fellow employees for thefts of local office supplies and software when he had to.

Shortly after receiving a promotion and a raise becoming the system administrator of Lebal Drocer, Steven took his first hit of LSD.

Acid - that's what's up
Acid - it's what's up

He had a nice trip, taking note of any profound insights he took from the experience. His attitude toward work changed, he became a generally nice guy, and his employees liked him after a while.

Steven tripped again, and it was nice, like the first time. He gained “many insights,” good conversation and what he described as “what the fuck moments.”

“I was staring at the clock on my computer while we played Mario Bros. 3 on emulators. Then suddenly it swelled up so big it was larger than the video game, my friend Adam, and my room put together,” Steven said adding, “Man, that was fucking crazy!”

Then Steven said as he and his friend rolled around in the floor laughing about what seemed to be the same thing, “but there was no way it was,” he realized that all things in the Universe are connected, and given the vastness of space itself, and his closeness to this person, “It stands to reason that we’re all one consciousness because my friend and I – it was like we were reading each others’ minds. And we’re just laughing our asses off about how we’re just all squished in here together, down in this little gravitational hole to the point where there’s a god damn active torsion field around us, a network of pure thought energy zapping and jiggling around the electromagnetic field.”

Steven Phelps compared the earth’s electromagnetic field to “wi-fi for thought” to which humans are adapting through evolution.

"Mental Wi-Fi"
"Mental Wi-Fi"

He told The Elf Wax Times he believes, “If aliens have evolved a higher level of consciousness and mental abilities, then telepathy’s in there.”

Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, Steven’s mental health took a rapid descent following one incident involving LSD and TV news.

“My friends just up and left the house while I was tripping with them one day and I had nothing better to do, so I flipped the TV channel over to C-SPAN.” What happened next, Steven said, was “too painful to recall.”

Steven reported visions of Hell on Earth and said it didn’t look much different. He claimed to have seen the face of Richard Nixon, but told reporters President Bush made him seem alright. “That was three weeks ago but I’m still seeing angels who want me to come to Heaven.”

C-SPAN COVERS NUCLEAR ATTACK AS BUSH LOOKS OVER IT

Steven Phelps, who is now permanently insane, said he saw the angels wreck an oil tanker killing eleven people along with many species of Gulf life and some “black guy who didn’t do shit to help it.” He said, “Swimming in that oil’s what we all do every day. Right now they’re killing us with petroleum. And this is what we call living.”

Steven Phelps went on to beg for “sweet merciful death” after accusing two Elf Wax reporters of being Devil One, and Devil Two.

Phelps is thought to have disappeared into the forest and was not seen again following this interview. He is presumed dead and the system administrator position was posted on Craigslist.

To Roanoke

For looking at the most glory holes!

Roanoke, Virginia wins The Elf Wax Times award for most likely to initiate a glory hole over any other city in the entire world!

Glory goles to the left of me, glory holes to the right. Roanoke, Virginia is the town for glory holes, tonight!

Roanoke, Virginia googles more glory holes than anything else in the entire world according to our latest statistics.

Conversely, Miley Cyrus is the most googled thing worldwide. According to analytics, she even googles herself.

This article is part of an ongoing series known as Miley Analytics

Glory Hole for me, Glory Hole to you. Glory hole whoa whoa mole mole dig little mole into the gloriest of holes.

Dig into the glory hole.

Whoa.

-The Elf Wax Times

Dig Into The Glory Hole, Little Mole.
Dig Into The Glory Hole, Little Mole.

William

RICHMONDThe Elf Wax Times hits the streets in an explosive new Fall reality series that GETS YOU HIGH with Willy Q, unemployed, where you’ll hear his thoughts on Led Zeppelin, experience his nightmares of Eastern Europe, and shoot the peace sign, which is actually the middle finger where he’s from. Pack a bong and tell the kids: WILLIAM LOVES THE SHIT OUT OF SOME FUCKING LED ZEPPELIN on an all new season of HATE.

[flashvideo file=”http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/will1iamquianthy.flv” /]

When all are one
And one is all
To be a rock
And not to roll
 
We love you William.

New Blog Site Hits The Internet

Just Now, Everywhere–A blog is born. At around four o’clock this afternoon, some guys installed WordPress and then started typing on it, purportedly designed to extol the virtues of the Cyrus family incest gene.

They didn’t change the CSS much and the theme is essentially the same, save for an animated .gif of Angelina Jolie partially nude.

Internet experts anticipate the blog will be abandoned partially toward the beginning of its inception, following a coke binge. “They probably won’t even register the domain,” said Larry Fineberg, some guy on the internet.

The new blog is reportedly so decrepit the writers can’t even finish a s

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