BREAKING NEWS: Presstorm Media Raided for Retardation

We’re pleased to announce that the Columbia Police Department raided Presstorm Media early Friday morning in an ongoing operation against libertarians who need to take their anti-psychotics.

AntiVigilante could not immediately be reached for comment, as a badass muscled cop was busting his head. Witnesses to the early morning raid, which commenced with police ramming an armored SWAT van through the back wall of AntiVigilante’s  mobile home, held that he could be heard screaming about “statists” and “the motherfucking gold standard.”

“Yeah man, and then this cop took oneathose extendable clubs and straight up rammed it through that fool’s skull. Shit was tight!” said neighbor Sean Hernandez, who commented on AnonOps IRC.

Chronicle.SU contacted the Columbia Police Department for comment on the random roundups of suspected seditionists. Spokeswoman Cori Bennett said agents “administratively arrested Blake ‘AntiVigilante’ Pierce as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”

Presstorm has deleted all traces of Antivigilante from their web site, under an apparent threat from law enforcement.

Jason Mick, what the fuck are you doing?

DailyTech?! I don't even...

Thursday, Jason Mick published a blog entry on DailyTech that provided a factual account on the arrest of alleged LulzSec spokesperson Topiary. However, halfway through the post, Mick cited completely unverifiable evidence accusing Daniel Ackerman Sandberg of criminal behavior. This complete collapse in journalistic integrity should not be tolerated. Mick appears to have made no attempt to contact Sandberg, instead posting unverified IRC logs and d0x which may be part of a misinformation campaign. Jason Mick needs to retract all evidence from his article which cannot be corroborated by a trusted source.

Sadly, the truth-seekers of Anonymous have taken this possible misinformation campaign at face value simply because they believe it supports their cause. For whatever reason, the appeal of invincible leaders has caused them to lose all sanity.

In related news, Anonymous has actively inflated the success of their PayPal boycott. Yet these lies are too transparent even for Jason Mick. By taking credit for a 3% drop in eBay’s stock and the closure of 35,000 PayPal accounts, Anonymous is not engaging in some kind of productive misinformation campaign. Instead, they are acting like complete fools, ready to repeat any piece of information that makes them feel more important – whether it is from a verifiable source or not. And that’s what Anonymous is all about, isn’t it? Anons desperately want to feel important, and facts come second.

When more information is released about the arrest of Topiary, the coked-up lemmings will all have a big laugh about their hilarious “misinformation campaign” that fooled Jason Mick and thousands of others by proxy. However, the rest of the world will just look at them as a hivemind of narcissistic and gullible idiots.

Th3j35t3r Voluntarily Enrolls Himself in Dyslexia Clinic

Rule 34: Sabu and th3j35t3r

Due to his multiple moving violations confusing command hallucinations to tweet with stop signs, th3j35t3r has had his d0xing license taken away after a failed an hero.

Neoconservative DDoS faggot “th3j35t3r” announced on Thursday evening in a poorly written Pastee that he would begin seeking treatment “at the syldxiea clinic.”

“Ya I ben having lot sof conversations with my wifey Mach and we think thats the best thing for me at this time, rumers of me haveing downs are grately exagerated, I actually have asspurgers” Th3j35t3r wrote this in the Chronicle.SU comment section, which he frequents regularly during extended fap sessions, as he squats over a mirror for a better view of his gaping asshole. He elaborated, “I once read a publishers clearinghouse advertisement as a personal letter from my mother and bought 14.6 million dollars worth of subscriptions to fish and fowl.”

However, members of #jester told a slightly more sordid story.

“Basically he was illiterate,” said Chatterb0x, connoisseur of vegetarian Hot Pockets, which are for people who dont eat meat, but still want diarrhea. The j35t3rfag and Chatterb0x both frequent the same glory hole on every topic that no one gives a shit about. “He made me cam with him topless once and to brow beat me in to writing his Pastee entries, telling me “it rubs the hair gel on its nipples or it gets the DDoS again! I didn’t really understand. I felt so dirty and confused, and I had to wring my pillow out 3 times that night before I finally fell asleep.”

“The guy struts around in a women’s one piece french-cut swimsuit, a potato wedged in his ass crack to ward off the evil potates, wearing a full face latex los luchadores mask. Always comes up to me and asks ‘Chattie, do you think that I’m a baddie?’ Whatever the lord fuck that means. Dude has an awesome collection of Batman comics, though.”

Fans and beneficiaries of the j35t3r and his work include the Dept. of Justice, NAMBLA and Dell Computers.

Editor’s note:

 “I’m Adrian Chen, and I can’t see the humor in the Chronicle.SU and why they like to be ripping on The Jester (TM). I think the jester is a pretty cool guy. eh DDoS unintelligible jihad sites and doesnt afraid of anything.”

I’m Adrian Chen, and I endorse CP, among others that may or may not ring true.

Too Strong for a Warlock?

Due to her love of pork chops, the heavily tattooed corpse of 27 year old singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse was not buried in the consecrated Muslim territory of Great Britain. Instead, her corpse was cremated late Monday evening, causing a level 7 INES accident. Great Britain is in a state of emergency and a twenty mile exclusion zone around the morgue will be in effect for the next five years.

Charlie Sheen was rushed to Cedar Sinai Medical Center after allegedly hijacking a police helicopter to “bang a few grams” of Amy Winehouse’s cremated remains. After the pilot passed out from the cloud of toxic gas, Sheen crash landed the helicopter near the morgue and crawled through the wreak to reach Winehouse’s ashes. Within moments of smearing his gums with her remains, Sheen stripped naked, spouted several quatrains from Nostradamus, and claimed all of civilization was a mere game of chess strategically played by a race of 16 foot big headed aliens.

Giorgio Tsoukalous has been the first scientist to back Sheen's ideas.

Moments later, Sheen’s eyes glazed over, a small amount of drool escaped the corner of his mouth, and he collapsed to the floor. A frantic call to the police was made by an employee at the morgue who was too busy screaming profanity to give his name. “Please [expletive] hurry! I’m [expletive] positive that this is either one of the [expletive] Olsen twins or Gary [expletive] Coleman. Holy mother of [expletive] I’m [expletive] out of my mind, man!”

Hazmat crews arrived with hermetically sealing plastic coffins, assuming they would find only dead bodies. However, after a hose-down, Sheen reached into his front pocket and took a quick snort of what he had saved of Winehouse and perked right up. Sheen ripped open a worker’s chemical suit and declared victory. “Winning!”

A response to /r/politics removal of self-written opinions

Moderators in/ r/politics have stepped up the war on bias in their subreddit:

“As many of you surely know, we recently started cracking down on misleading and editorialized headlines in this subreddit. This was done in an attempt to make /r/politics into an unbiased source of information, not outrage and opinion.

However, that effort is basically futile if nothing is done about self-posts. The problem with these is that they are essentially opinions, and there is no article to “fact check”. Their headlines cannot be considered editorialized if there is no factual background to compare the title to. The way the rule is currently structured, an outrage-inducing, misleading headline could be removed if it links to an outside news source, but left alone if it is a self post, which gives even less information but still conveys the same false ideas. This has greatly contributed to the decline or the subreddit’s content quality, as it has begun to revolve more around opinion than fact.

Furthermore, the atmosphere of the post is suggestive of one “correct” answer, and disagreeing opinions are often downvoted out of sight. That type of leading answer is not conducive to the type of debate that we’d like to encourage in /r/politics.”

In what seems to be an attempt to squash opinions that are not ‘factual,’ Reddit Moderators have disabled all self-written editorials. By posting a link to this article, I am defying this rule. However, I write for a ‘news’ outlet, so apparently my opinion is more valid than yours. I ask you this, fellow Redditors, what happens to the discussion in /r/politics when we try to surgically remove bias like this? You think it will really help?

The fact of the matter is that context is far more important than the presence of verifiable ‘facts. For instance, some describe healthcare benefits for teachers as an entitlement. Healthcare is an entitlement, and that is a ‘fact,’ but the use of ‘entitlement’ to reference the concept of healthcare frames it in a way that introduces bias. Now if I was to say “taking away health care from teachers is equivalent to a tax increase,” that is also a ‘fact.’ Yet those who describe healthcare as an entitlement would hear this ‘fact’ and complain about bias.

Tl;dr, bias is not in any way related to a lack of “facts,” but an inescapable product of the way we choose to describe concepts.

Now say we step into the larger realm of that which is unverifiable. I’m talking about Evolution and God. We can talk about overwhelming and rigorous evidence for Evolution, but the concept of Evolution is not a verifiable fact. It can’t really be proved or disproved. Similarly, there is no way to prove or disprove God. I know this may upset a lot of Redditors, but there is overwhelming and rigorous evidence for God, if you ask those who have dedicated their lives to studying the topic. At a fundamental level, there is no such thing as a fact. If you’re raging out at your computer monitor right now, look up Heisenberg and his Uncertainty Principle. The inescapable conclusion that there is no way to verify absolute truth is actually an excellent thing, because the moment we attempt to solidify our ideas into facts, they no longer have room to grow. If Newton’s Theory of Gravity was considered pure fact, Einstein’s theory of relativity would have never been accepted.

Tl;dr, overwhelming and rigorous evidence is never equivalent to absolute truth, and this is actually an excellent thing.

Finally, I’ve reached the heart of the matter, opinions. Presenting concepts without bias is impossible, and attempting to reach an ultimate truth is also impossible. What are we left with? We’ve got an endless string of ever-improving theories and concepts that seem to be growing at an exponential rate. In the world of politics, we call these day-to-day theories editorials and opinions. If we want to really embrace growth, we need to fan the flame wars and feed the trolls. We need to know what ideas resonate, and provide an echo chamber optimized for that purpose. By putting Redditor’s personal opinions apart from /r/politics in a vain attempt to weed out bias, the moderators will put the dampers on great ideas like mine. Here’s my opinion: We know the consensus of Reddit is not equivalent to fact, and we’re not all a bunch of morons and idiots who need your protection. If I can post other people’s opinions and political cartoons, why can’t I post my own?

Tl;dr, the moderators of r/politics are misguided and drunk with power. They’re possibly even trying to enforce their own biases. Also, I admit it, I’m trolling, spamming, and breaking the rules and I couldn’t care less.

Pierre Dubois AKA Topiary V&

Wednesday, Scotland Yard announced they finally arrested LulzSec publicist Pierre Dubois, leader, propagandist, statesman, and owner of many bitcoins. When arrested, Topiary handed the police “investigator butthurt forms” which they refused to fill out. Dubois was arrested in the Shetlands, while on the run.

Topiary is currently being waterboarded by US agents as they repeatedly scream demands about Sabu, Hamas, and Al-Qaeda. Topiary has promised to respond only with internet memes.

Pierre Dubois’ Legacy

Pierre spoke to Tyler Bass and me over the telephone on June 13th, and I asked him if he felt what he was doing was reckless. ‘Reckless’ was not a word in his vocabulary.

Pierre Dubois is the inventor of the social DDoS, which uses a Twitter account to crash weak web sites, simply by linking hundreds of thousands of users to the same site. Chronicle.SU has been a repeated victim of social DDoS, first on June 13th, and again on July 16th. Pierre Dubois was also known for once popping into a Chronicle.SU Piratenpad session, and social DDoSing it into oblivion.

LulzSec to compromise PayPal accounts

Today, Lulz Security announced plans to compromise the overall security of PayPal, Inc are underway. In a panic, consumers have begun to withdraw their funds to invest in food, gold, and survival supplies.

A stand-in spokesperson for LulzSec said the group hopes to garner personal information from the upcoming hack of the world’s most popular paysite. The motive for the planned data breach was not immediately clear, but internal sources at PayPal hold that old Whitman appointees participate in open communications about bestiality and the trading of child pornography.

However, analysts have suggested that LulzSec are shifting the dreaded Lulz Cannon to the PayPal accounts of millions in a last-ditch effort to gain as much funding for future Anonymous operations as possible before they are all arrested.

In a leaked document from US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Clinton suggests LulzSec is tied with Hamas and Al-Qaeda. Sabu stated that he is in no way tied to Islamic terror, despite the use of the Hamas insignia as his Twitter icon. Clinton said Sabu is also known for keeping photos of Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin on his bathroom walls, where he neither urinates nor defecates, but “goes number 3.”

Cyber-activists have targeted PayPal in December over its complicit behavior in the suppression of WikiLeaks and Julian Assange. Fearing the kind of attacks LulzSec now promises, PayPal began working closely with Federal investigators two days after the first DDoS attacks.

In retaliation for December’s PayPal attacks – which were themselves retaliatory – the FBI is raiding every home matching the IPs found on a list of tens of thousands handed over to them by Radware, PayPal’s security firm and professional narcs.

Financial adviser Ricky Munichs, from the Chronicle Institute of Monetary Law said, “Until someone acts, the police state continues to protect PayPal from its own inhumane actions. For anyone interested in justice FOIA and politicians can’t bring, this is a godsend.”

LulzSec reported to us in an exclusive interview that this new attack will be vastly different, as the “Lulz Boat, with her upgraded armaments, is full steam ahead and docks tonight, among the unwatched ports on the shores of PayPal.”