Due to her love of pork chops, the heavily tattooed corpse of 27 year old singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse was not buried in the consecrated Muslim territory of Great Britain. Instead, her corpse was cremated late Monday evening, causing a level 7 INES accident. Great Britain is in a state of emergency and a twenty mile exclusion zone around the morgue will be in effect for the next five years.
Charlie Sheen was rushed to Cedar Sinai Medical Center after allegedly hijacking a police helicopter to “bang a few grams” of Amy Winehouse’s cremated remains. After the pilot passed out from the cloud of toxic gas, Sheen crash landed the helicopter near the morgue and crawled through the wreak to reach Winehouse’s ashes. Within moments of smearing his gums with her remains, Sheen stripped naked, spouted several quatrains from Nostradamus, and claimed all of civilization was a mere game of chess strategically played by a race of 16 foot big headed aliens.
Moments later, Sheen’s eyes glazed over, a small amount of drool escaped the corner of his mouth, and he collapsed to the floor. A frantic call to the police was made by an employee at the morgue who was too busy screaming profanity to give his name. “Please [expletive] hurry! I’m [expletive] positive that this is either one of the [expletive] Olsen twins or Gary [expletive] Coleman. Holy mother of [expletive] I’m [expletive] out of my mind, man!”
Hazmat crews arrived with hermetically sealing plastic coffins, assuming they would find only dead bodies. However, after a hose-down, Sheen reached into his front pocket and took a quick snort of what he had saved of Winehouse and perked right up. Sheen ripped open a worker’s chemical suit and declared victory. “Winning!”
“As many of you surely know, we recently started cracking down on misleading and editorialized headlines in this subreddit. This was done in an attempt to make /r/politics into an unbiased source of information, not outrage and opinion.
However, that effort is basically futile if nothing is done about self-posts. The problem with these is that they are essentially opinions, and there is no article to “fact check”. Their headlines cannot be considered editorialized if there is no factual background to compare the title to. The way the rule is currently structured, an outrage-inducing, misleading headline could be removed if it links to an outside news source, but left alone if it is a self post, which gives even less information but still conveys the same false ideas. This has greatly contributed to the decline or the subreddit’s content quality, as it has begun to revolve more around opinion than fact.
Furthermore, the atmosphere of the post is suggestive of one “correct” answer, and disagreeing opinions are often downvoted out of sight. That type of leading answer is not conducive to the type of debate that we’d like to encourage in /r/politics.”
In what seems to be an attempt to squash opinions that are not ‘factual,’ Reddit Moderators have disabled all self-written editorials. By posting a link to this article, I am defying this rule. However, I write for a ‘news’ outlet, so apparently my opinion is more valid than yours. I ask you this, fellow Redditors, what happens to the discussion in /r/politics when we try to surgically remove bias like this? You think it will really help?
The fact of the matter is that context is far more important than the presence of verifiable ‘facts.‘ For instance, some describe healthcare benefits for teachers as an entitlement. Healthcare is an entitlement, and that is a ‘fact,’ but the use of ‘entitlement’ to reference the concept of healthcare frames it in a way that introduces bias. Now if I was to say “taking away health care from teachers is equivalent to a tax increase,” that is also a ‘fact.’ Yet those who describe healthcare as an entitlement would hear this ‘fact’ and complain about bias.
Tl;dr, bias is not in any way related to a lack of “facts,” but an inescapable product of the way we choose to describe concepts.
Now say we step into the larger realm of that which is unverifiable. I’m talking about Evolution and God. We can talk about overwhelming and rigorous evidence for Evolution, but the concept of Evolution is not a verifiable fact. It can’t really be proved or disproved. Similarly, there is no way to prove or disprove God. I know this may upset a lot of Redditors, but there is overwhelming and rigorous evidence for God, if you ask those who have dedicated their lives to studying the topic. At a fundamental level, there is no such thing as a fact. If you’re raging out at your computer monitor right now, look up Heisenberg and his Uncertainty Principle. The inescapable conclusion that there is no way to verify absolute truth is actually an excellent thing, because the moment we attempt to solidify our ideas into facts, they no longer have room to grow. If Newton’s Theory of Gravity was considered pure fact, Einstein’s theory of relativity would have never been accepted.
Tl;dr, overwhelming and rigorous evidence is never equivalent to absolute truth, and this is actually an excellent thing.
Finally, I’ve reached the heart of the matter, opinions. Presenting concepts without bias is impossible, and attempting to reach an ultimate truth is also impossible. What are we left with? We’ve got an endless string of ever-improving theories and concepts that seem to be growing at an exponential rate. In the world of politics, we call these day-to-day theories editorials and opinions. If we want to really embrace growth, we need to fan the flame wars and feed the trolls. We need to know what ideas resonate, and provide an echo chamber optimized for that purpose. By putting Redditor’s personal opinions apart from /r/politics in a vain attempt to weed out bias, the moderators will put the dampers on great ideas like mine. Here’s my opinion: We know the consensus of Reddit is not equivalent to fact, and we’re not all a bunch of morons and idiots who need your protection. If I can post other people’s opinions and political cartoons, why can’t I post my own?
Tl;dr, the moderators of r/politics are misguided and drunk with power. They’re possibly even trying to enforce their own biases. Also, I admit it, I’m trolling, spamming, and breaking the rules and I couldn’t care less.
Wednesday, Scotland Yard announced they finally arrested LulzSec publicist Pierre Dubois, leader, propagandist, statesman, and owner of many bitcoins. When arrested, Topiary handed the police “investigator butthurt forms” which they refused to fill out. Dubois was arrested in the Shetlands, while on the run.
Topiary is currently being waterboarded by US agents as they repeatedly scream demands about Sabu, Hamas, and Al-Qaeda. Topiary has promised to respond only with internet memes.
Pierre Dubois’ Legacy
Pierre spoke to Tyler Bass and me over the telephone on June 13th, and I asked him if he felt what he was doing was reckless. ‘Reckless’ was not a word in his vocabulary.
Pierre Dubois is the inventor of the social DDoS, which uses a Twitter account to crash weak web sites, simply by linking hundreds of thousands of users to the same site. Chronicle.SU has been a repeated victim of social DDoS, first on June 13th, and again on July 16th. Pierre Dubois was also known for once popping into a Chronicle.SU Piratenpad session, and social DDoSing it into oblivion.
Today, Lulz Security announced plans to compromise the overall security of PayPal, Inc are underway. In a panic, consumers have begun to withdraw their funds to invest in food, gold, and survival supplies.
A stand-in spokesperson for LulzSec said the group hopes to garner personal information from the upcoming hack of the world’s most popular paysite. The motive for the planned data breach was not immediately clear, but internal sources at PayPal hold that old Whitman appointees participate in open communications about bestiality and the trading of child pornography.
However, analysts have suggested that LulzSec are shifting the dreaded Lulz Cannon to the PayPal accounts of millions in a last-ditch effort to gain as much funding for future Anonymous operations as possible before they are all arrested.
In a leaked document from US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Clinton suggests LulzSec is tied with Hamas and Al-Qaeda. Sabu stated that he is in no way tied to Islamic terror, despite the use of the Hamas insignia as his Twitter icon. Clinton said Sabu is also known for keeping photos of Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin on his bathroom walls, where he neither urinates nor defecates, but “goes number 3.”
Cyber-activists have targeted PayPal in December over its complicit behavior in the suppression of WikiLeaks and Julian Assange. Fearing the kind of attacks LulzSec now promises, PayPal began working closely with Federal investigators two days after the first DDoS attacks.
In retaliation for December’s PayPal attacks – which were themselves retaliatory – the FBI is raiding every home matching the IPs found on a list of tens of thousands handed over to them by Radware, PayPal’s security firm and professional narcs.
Financial adviser Ricky Munichs, from the Chronicle Institute of Monetary Law said, “Until someone acts, the police state continues to protect PayPal from its own inhumane actions. For anyone interested in justice FOIA and politicians can’t bring, this is a godsend.”
LulzSec reported to us in an exclusive interview that this new attack will be vastly different, as the “Lulz Boat, with her upgraded armaments, is full steam ahead and docks tonight, among the unwatched ports on the shores of PayPal.”
Rebecca Black, 14 year old pop-star famous for her hit single “Friday” recently released a new music video, ‘My Moment.’ She describes her new found fame as “weird, but cool.”
Ms. Black has been pushed around by Ark Music Factory, who attempted to exploit her fame. Black identifies with others who are being bullied, and sent out words of solidarity to others who are bullied. “It really sucks, being bullied.”
I find Ms. Black’s latest song to be a step above ‘Friday,’ and that is no small achievement. We are witnessing the early rise of a pop music icon who will one day join the ranks of Michael Jackson and the Beatles.
President Barack Obama met the freakiest team in baseball yesterday as he feted the San Francisco Giants for their stunning World Series win during an awkward gala in Washington.
The Giants — known for their money, success, fame, glamor, and extreme homosexuality — marched into the East Room of the White House and shook hands with the puzzled commander in chief.
‘Then there’s the guy with the beard,’ Obama quipped as he nodded to star relief pitcher Brian Wilson and his bushy, foot-long-long whiskers and Mohawk haircut.
‘Underneath Brian’s beard, and the Spandex tuxedo and the sea captain costume and the cleats with his face on them, is also one of the most dominant lovers on the face of the planet. He gave me the high heater, you know what I mean?’
Wilson’s beard so delighted Giants fans during last year’s championship games, that as his pitches stymied the Texas Rangers, they chanted ‘Fear the Beard!’ – a slogan Obama paid tribute to.
‘I do fear it,” the president deadpanned. ‘I fear the snake in his pants more, to be honest.’
Also on hand was Giants legend Willie Mays, who Obama noted was just a 23-year-old outfielder when the Giants last won the World Series in 1954, still a New York team at the time.
Obama recalled Mays flying on Air Force One as they flew to the 2009 All-Star Game, with Mays on the flight as Obama’s guest. ‘I sat on Willie’s lap for most the flight. He has amazing genitalia.’
‘It was an extraordinary trip. Very rarely when I’m on Air Force One am I the second most impotent guy on there. Everybody was just passing me by [and gushing], ‘Can I get you something, Mr. Mays? A blow job? Rim job? hand job?’’
Next, Obama smoked a fat blunt with razor-thin pitcher Tim Lincecum, also known as ‘The Freak’ and ‘Big Time Timmy Jim’ for his shaved balls that whiz past hapless fappers.
‘America learned sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy with the deceptively large testicles, so you and me,’ the president told Lincecum.
‘The Giants may be a little different,’ Obama added, but ‘one thing they know is how to perform proper fellatio … They are characters with character.’
The team presented Obama – an avid baseball fan – with an autographed No. 44 Giants jersey and a team buttplug.
‘I want to wish the [Giants] luck the rest of the season, unless the White Sox are in the Series,’’ said Obama, a lifelong Sox fanatic.
Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r are both extremely conservative Islamophobic terrorists, willing to target any groups who enable or promote acceptance of Islam. On Tuesday, th3j35t3r attacked web sites and Twitter accounts belonging to Lulz Security in his never-ending struggle against Islamic jihad. Like Breivik’s attack on the campers at Utoeya, th3j35t3r has since explained this action by linking LulzSecurity.com with the spread of Islam.
DDoS attacks infringe on the fundamental human right to a free internet and can only be justified through the same twisted ideology that led Anders Breivik to kill nearly 100 campers at a youth retreat for the Labor Party of Norway. That is, the publicity Breivik and th3j35t3r hope to garner for their cause justifies their horrifying actions.
Another similarity between Breivik and th3j35t3r are their laughable and lavish methods. Breivik spent thousands of Euros equipping his rifle with a red-dot sight, high-end clips, a custom stock, specialized rounds and even poison to inject in the bullet tips. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r spends thousands of dollars on computer equipment he believes is necessary to carry out his attacks. We have every reason to believe that th3j35t3r is in fact a Mac user. After each DDoS attack, th3j35t3r treats himself to a three course meal in a high class restaurant as Breivik did during each stage of his bomb-making.
Breivik was also an admitted steroid addict, using the drugs to keep his morale up. He often lifted weights and wrote of his improving physical condition. It does not take a large stretch of the imagination to envision th3j35t3r, in the midst of a DDoS, lifting weights and injecting himself with a cocktail of steroids and testosterone.
Breivik enjoyed World of Warcraft, but it is more likely that th3j35t3r only plays Call of Duty, seeing as he’s an ex-marine. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r has killed more Muslims than Breivik, although each supporter of multiculturalism killed by Breivik counts as only 1/3 Muslim.
At 8:51 pm PST, Courtney Love walked into a Los Angeles police station, distraught and intoxicated. As she spoke to deputy Stephen Pollan, she began to talk about Kurt Cobain, and eventually admitted to killing him. She proceeded to explain to an officer how “the guilt reached it’s breaking point” and that she “couldn’t live with the pain anymore.”
Police have not released an official statement as to what they believe motivated Courtney to carry out the murder. “Nothing made any sense then. All I could think about was the money. I don’t know what got to me first, the pressure, or the drugs, or what…I just couldn’t take it,” said Love between tears in the interrogation room of the police station.
Love and Kurt Cobain’s daughter, Frances Cobain, were contacted immediately upon her mother’s arrival. “I am just in complete shock,” claims Cobain. She denied an interview, stating that she was overcome with grief and needed time to think before appearing on camera.
At the time of this writing, Love is being transferred to the Seattle Police Department in Washington for further questioning. Cobain was questioned shortly and released.
“She’s a troubled woman,” claimed deputy Sephan Pollan. “I’m just glad she finally came forward. I mean, I’ve heard the rumors, we all have, but we finally know the truth and hopefully we can get this woman the help she needs.”
Anders Breivik is a different kind of terrorist, born and bred in a typical suburban setting. His personal log is littered with ridiculous emoticons and netspeak, often departing on long-winded diatribes about how necessary it is for a revolutionary to practice thrift. Yet Breivik was unable to complete his terror attack without maxing out 10 credit cards and falling into debt with the fertilizer company. Still, Breivik maintained a bizarrely lavish lifestyle that he wrote about in great detail. After reading through his journal, I can only conclude that it’s a miracle the guy killed a single person. The man chronicles his own idiocy extensively yet truly expects to be remembered as a hero. Evil? No. He’s just the stupidest man in existence. While this all might seem like a bad joke, I assure you this story is taken from Breivik’s personal journal, a part of 2083: A European Declaration of Independence.
On August 2, 2010, Anders Breivik pulled into Prague driving a dumpy-looking Hyundai Atos he purchased just for this trip, in the hopes that it would not draw attention. He had heard Prague was a great place for the illegal weapons trade, and he meant to buy an AK-47, a 9mm Glock, 4 frag grenades and armor piercing ammunition. However, he only acquired two hookers and never made connections with arms dealers. “The people I approached got really nervous and thought I was either a cop or completely nuts, lol.” Brievik, an extreme conservative christian, justified his sexual indiscretions in the light of his holy intentions to purchase arms, “…screwing around outside of marriage is after all a relatively small sin compared to the huge amounts of grace I am about to generate with my martyrdom operation.” Breivik also praised the relative safety of Prague. The only criminals in Prague, he noted, were Christian and not Muslim. He described the trip as fun, and decided it had not been a complete waste. However, he did bemoan the death of his precious iPod on the drive home.
Brievik ended up buying weapons through legal channels in Norway, and showed his sense of humor when describing the application for the purchase of a Ruger Mini 14 semi-automatic rifle, “… I stated: ‘hunting deer’. It would have been tempting to just write the truth; ‘executing category A and B cultural Marxists/multiculturalist traitors’ just to see their reaction:P” Like every other stage of his operation, Breivik spared absolutely no expense in outfitting his rifle, ordering an 800 Euro silencer and a 400 Euro custom stock. Breivik also purchased 99% pure nicotine from China that he intended to inject into hollow point bullets, for a poisonous effect. After he received the poison in the mail, he never mentioned it again. Breivik’s order for the silencer fell through because of a logistical problem, but he always looked at the bright side of things, “The only bonus I guess is that by eliminating the silencer aspect allows me to order and equip a bayonet instead. So I guess; “Marxist on a stick” will soon become an exclusive Knights Templar Europe trademark:D.”
Breivik often chronicled intense steroid-fueled weight lifting sessions, which were an escape from the hard work of preparing the terror attack. “I’m in the middle of another steroid cycle at the moment, training hard to exceed my 92 kg record from July. I’m currently at 90 kg and hope to reach at least 95 kg. Perhaps ill even reach 100 kg before I end the cycle in 4 week’s time!:-)” Breivik also enjoyed the television serial, Dexter, during this period. He found it “Quite hilarious.”
When Brievik began acquiring the ingredients for bomb-making, his resolve seemed to falter. He kept his morale up by rewarding himself with World of Warcraft: Cataclysm. During this time, he took a temporary break from steroids to focus on learning the art of bomb-making. The call of steroids seemed to be too much for Brievik to resist.
Breivik began another ‘steroid cycle’ and spent 12 entire days working on this terrible video. He was somewhat unhappy with the final product’s resolution, which is understandable because of the massive walls of unreadable tiny text. During this time, he acquired a higher rank in the Freemasons but stopped attending meetings to finish his terror plot.
Breivik continued having second thoughts about his project and wrote about how the world will view him. He imagined his life after the attack. “When I wake up at the hospital, after surviving the gunshot wounds inflicted on me, I realize at least for me personally, I will be waking up to a world of shit, a living nightmare.” However, Breivik dreamed wistfully of future deportation of Marxists to Turkey, and seemed to think he’d be viewed as a hero, in the long run.
Breivik was forced to sell his beloved watch and pen for 2000 Euros as his initial capital began to dry up. It’s around this time that Breivik began his first explosives manufacturing. He struggled with simple tasks like crushing aspirin pills, opting to bash them between plastic sheets with a dumbbell rather than using a common household blender. It didn’t work. This insanity was likely a result of the steroids. After this early failure, Brievik became despondent and wrote, “I went a restaurant in the northern town that evening and enjoyed a three course meal. I later watched a few episodes of ‘the Shield’.” It appears that such lavish expenses were equally important to Breivik’s plot as the explosives themselves.
In May, Brievik began the most intensive part of his operation, maxing out 3 credit cards to pay for the lease on a beet farm and rent a Fiat Doblo. Leasing the farm was necessary because Brievik still needed a huge supply of fertilizer to complete his bombs. The farm doubled as a rural location well-suited for covert bomb-making activities. Brievik moved to the farm and began earnest work on the bombs. Brievik became severely paranoid at this stage of his operation, and noted several close calls with military units, police officers and neighbors. He packed a backpack with survival supplies and came up with a laughable plan to escape into the wilderness.
Truly insane at this point, Brievik spent 750 Euros on a dumbbell set to crush the fertilizer pellets, hoping for better results than he got with the aspirin. Like before, it didn’t work. Predictably, he went to a restaurant and bought another three course meal in celebration of his insane stupidity. The idea of using a food processor dawned on Brievik a second time, and he followed through. He purchased 12 different blenders for testing and found that Electrolux made the best brand. The next day, he drove from city to city, purchasing 6 of the extremely rare Electrolux blenders. Brievik finally had the set up he needed to produce real explosives.
Then one night the power went out, frying Brievik’s computer – an extremely essential part of his operation. He prayed to God for help, or rather, told God what needed to happen, “I explained to God that unless he wanted the Marxist-Islamic alliance and the certain Islamic takeover of Europe to completely annihilate European Christendom within the next hundred years he must ensure that the warriors fighting for the preservation of European Christendom prevail. He must ensure that I succeed with my mission and as such; contribute to inspire thousands of other revolutionary conservatives/nationalists; antiCommunists and anti-Islamists throughout the European world.” Three days later he had his first successful detonation, and celebrated with a three course meal. He told God who was who.
Brievik began to run low on funds again and withdrew the maximum amount of cash from ten credit cards to continue his operation. Nevertheless, he was late on the payments for the fertilizer and the rent on his farm. Suffering from the effects of steroid withdrawal, Brievik drove to Oslo to acquire more steroids. He took this opportunity to program his bomb delivery route on his Garmin GPS.
Brievik had buried a cache of body armor and steroids in a remote location, using a highly expensive and advanced water-tight chest to keep it in top condition. He dug this up in the July heat, wearing a heavy poncho and sweating profusely. Luckily, he was able to hydrate himself with his camel-back.
Having developed an entire process for manufacturing explosives, Brievik now set to work mass-producing the final bombs he would use in his terror attack. His plan was in full-swing, and he continued to reward himself for his hard work with large doses of steroids, candy, and delicate foodstuffs. As his respirator and safety gear began to fail, Brievik mentioned that he attempted to off-set potential poisoning by taking herbal supplements.
His log ended with mysterious statements about mineral extraction, investors and the ominous statement, “First coming costume party this autumn, dress up as a police officer. Arrive with insignias:-) Will be awesome as people will be very astonished:-)”
When the not-so-secret Illuminati two week sexcapade retreat known as Bohemian Grove concluded last week, Rick Perry emerged as the the next “anointed one” by several Grove insiders. This and much more was uncovered as the Governor himself made an appearance at the one day cameo at the 2,700-acre campground in Monte Rio, California.
The biggest buzz to come out of the summer camp for the world’s richest and most powerful gay men was that current Texas Governor (and avowed Juggalo) was anointed the New World Order’s pick to be president of the United States of America. Multiple sources with in the satanic homosexual encampment confirmed that Rick Perry will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States in 2012. Yes you read that right, 46th.
The next phase of the New World Order’s plan for global enslavement was revealed and will kick off next month, with the planned appearance of NWO sock puppet Charile Sheen at the annual gathering of the Juggalos.
At the concert Rick Perry will make a “surprise” appearance and give the Insane Clown Posse community an exclusive with his official Presidential exploratory committee announcement from the stage with Ice Cube and George Clinton. The added publicity is expected to aid the jump start of a popular “grass roots” campaign by exploiting the mass popularity of Insane Clown Posse.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama is conflicted about how he wants to go out. The Soros wing want him to develop a “severe illness” and bow out of the 2012 race. The Koch wing keeps pushing for a more dramatic exit, perhaps a faux assassination via a “radical tea partier type.” With many outsiders speculating that the recent situation in Oslo was a dry run for a possible White House false flag operation, mum’s the word in the Grove.
White House sources at the Grove were tight lipped about what Obama is leaning toward, but word floating around a few late night camp fires suggested that he is leaning toward bowing out like a chump with some “family related” excuse.
Many anuses in the Grove were tingled by the rumors that Barack would make an appearance at camp, but alas it never happened because Michelle still has his ass on lock. Despite the conspiracy theories floating throught the Grove, it was apparent that somehow Joe Biden will step in at election time and eventually be defeated by Perry in a lop sided race.
During his time at the naked resort Perry engaged in the usual activities: lake-side talks, gay sex and Satanic rituals from ancient Mesopotamia. The Governor was seen networking with several key figures who will no doubt play a role in his run for the White House.
A sample of the who’s who list who met with Perry included: Charlie Rose, Nuriel Rubini, Mohamed A. El-Erian, Henry Kissenger, Bill Clinton, Richard Thaler, Shaggy 2 Dope, Alex Jones, Charlie Sheen, Andrew Breitbart, Barrett Brown, Eric Boehlert, Joe Rogan, Marilyn Manson, and Buckethead.