INTERNET–Sue Brasko, that insane woman staring at you from behind her macbook in the corner of Starbucks, filed a lawsuit against Internet Trolling Radio Host Vinceinthebay. Brasko stated, “This man hangs out with aliens, known to the internet as The Rustle League, and they have no human empathy whatsoever. He was abducted by them, injected with their DNA, and now he is like them. That’s why I’m suing all of them.”
Pressed for more details, Brasko cackled evilly for our reporters and then sneered at us like a witch, “I’ll get them all! All of them! Free Aaron Socio! Free Aaron Bale! The Rustle League are feds, aliens, satan-worshipping demon-summoners!” She slammed her fist on the table as she screeched, “DANNY DANTALION HAS PUT A CURSE ON ME, BUT HE’LL SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT!” Brasko then started typing random, insane commands into a unix terminal on her macbook as if she knew what she was doing, mumbling mantras as her bloodshot eyes bulged rhythmically.
Vinceinthebay, responding as we replayed this video of Brasko incantations, said, “Fact check your own blog, amateurs . . . You people are addicted to kittens and bacon . . . We got people pretending to be journalists who are just tweeting lolcat memes.”
Hi, I’m Jim Ficks and this is Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we cheer every morning, working ourselves up into a ravenous furor in the name of the great one and only, the provider, the destroyer – Wal-Mart of America. I’m Jim Ficks, and I have a job now. You Don’t. I’m Jim Ficks. My job is to rally employees working for $8 an hour, to rally together and “cheer” on our company name as audaciously as though they were speaking the unspeakable name of Yahweh himself.
Oh, HA HA. Don’t kid yourself! The Wal-Mart cheer not your typical high school cheer. At Wal-Mart, our morning cheers are actually the wailing song of abandoned hope, tinged with self-hatred the likes of which you never knew existed. That is, until our corporate overseer stated, in a company newsletter, that every morning from now until the end of human civilization will begin with a light-hearted climaxing chant, grow to a dull pulsing roar, and finally explode into a fireball of frenzied rage. Sweet, profit-maximizing rage. Don’t just watch – but focus – as the bald one they call “Joey” bristles with tension before snapping free from his hate-filled fervor, ready to seize the day like the throat of his enemy. Ready for blood, ready to stock shelves.
YOU LIKE THAT, YEAH YOU LIKE THAT DON’T YOU WAL-MART
WE HATE NIGGERS FOR YOU, WAL-MART. WE HATE OURSELVES. WE JUST WANNA COME IN THERE AND BUY YOU $2.15 CORN DOGS WAL-MART. WE NEED YOUR NITRATES IN OUR TOXIC BODIES TO MAINTAIN EQUILIBRIUM, WAL-MART, LEST WE TIP THE BALANCE OF HATE IN THE DEVIL’S HONOR. DACTARAI!!!!! FOR YOUR LOVE, MINE PRINCE OF PURITY. FOR YOUR PROFIT! Erodium Purus Nosferatu! MY PALE, FLUSHED FACE WAL-MART IT BURNS WITH SODIUM IODIDE, WAL-MART. WWWWWAAAAAAAAALLLL-MAAAARRRRRRRT!
NEW YORK — The release of a Justice Department inspector general report Tuesday is driving department flunkee and Pajamas Media blogger J. Christian Adams into the journalistic echelon of Nellie Bly and Upton Sinclair. Tom Perez, head of the Civil Rights Division and Obama pick for labor secretary, is actually a vehemently anti-white racist; Adams has blown the whole thing wide open, and the Beltway is panicking.
In April Adams picked up the Stormfront Kiss of Death Life endorsement after calling out the affirmative action anti-white conspiracy. Stormfront poster HeartOfLeonidas remarked that Adams’ view was “common sense,” adding:
It is sad that North America has fallen from grace and is overburdened with such a dense population of swarthy, seething, angry and jealous as sin non-whites. I blame the jews and their white libtarded and christarded co-conspirators for horribly dysgenic effect their minldessness [sic] and moralitylessness has allowed to spawn and setup [sic] residence in this formerly fair Nation over these last 100 years.
J. Christian Adams had this to say about Tom Perez:
In the report, Assistant Attorney General Tom Perez . . . makes clear that he doesn’t think Section 5 should ever be used to protect a white minority in covered jurisdictions.
Perez feels it should only be used to prop up the political position of “people of color.” If the victims of discrimination happen to be white, too bad — they are not protected.
The inspector general reports marks Adams’ entrance into the wacky and wonderful world of Daily Currant/Onion punking reporting, as Perez made no such reference to “people of color” in the entire document. It’s an entirely made-up quote from the report, and that’s pretty avant-garde.
Adams at one point in his post said he believed Perez thought “people of color are always part of a ‘disadvantaged group’” before Adams contradicts himself only 14 words later: “DOJ Voting Section lawyers employed Perez’s logic to argue against helping white victims of discrimination in Macon, Mississippi, saying: ‘Until blacks were socio-economically equal to whites in Mississippi (read: statistically) then whites should not be protected under the Voting Rights Act.’”
So on one hand, according to Adams, Perez wants selective race-based enforcement of Voting Rights Act Section 5 “always,” even if black Americans were to become some kind of ultra-rich elite separatist set, all obsessed with inbreeding and private clubs. Then Adams admits that long before that point, white Americans would become protected by the Voting Rights Act.
Adams sees coming the middle of the 21st century, when white Americans will in fact become a statistical, if not financial, minority for the first time. He wants to be on the record for complaining early.
INTERNET — Investigators at Chronicle.SU have repeatedly and accurately d0xed th3j35t3r, famed Republican ex-Marine hacker who in fact is a close group of “private contractors” paid for and created by a black-ops Air Force project. However, because of their privileged position, these criminal elements within the military have been given free reign to debase and attack this glorious and infallible publication in an illegal and pernicious affront to the United Soviet Socialist Republic’s sovereignty and the Dignity of the Proletariat.
Recently faced with serious allegations of “mining” for preteen children with his Minecraft server, Jesterland, th3j35t3r has launched a campaign of hate against John Tiessen, who is a twice-convicted sex offender and rapist according to documents posted by th3j35t3r. In the past, Tiessen has directed similar accusations at Chronicle.SU editors, ethical hacking instructors, pro-freedom conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain, Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown, and Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra.
Tiessen’s unsubstantiated pedophile accusations “went viral,” causing uproar in the “mommyblogging” community. Rallying to Tiessen’s cry, members of the “Moms Against Jester” group forced House members to call for an investigation into th3j35t3r’s Minecraft server. This investigation revealed that th3j35t3r was not a pedophile, as John Tiessen has repeatedly admitted, but it did find that th3j35t3r had illegally attacked Chronicle.SU sovereign Web servers with the use of a botnet of 300,000 infected computers hijacked from thousands of American nursing homes and hospices.
Outed members of th3j35t3r group Tom Ryan, Neal Rauhauser, Ronald Bryn, and Kelly Hallissey were arrested for ownership of a botnet and Lebal Drocer’s legal team filed a civil suit seeking $3 billion in damages.
Have your earnings from Sakawa gone dry? Has your Juju shaman failed once again? Are you tired of blood sacrifice, risky rituals, and constantly jumping between Juju priests? Don’t be turned into a dog or found dead from AIDs because of bad Juju! Seek the help of Lord Inglip, greatest digital shaman who presides over the entire Internet and can ensure your Sakawa will bring only the greatest of rewards.
You might be thinking, “Why trust the Internet to Juju? Is this magic real?” This is an understandable objection, but let’s face it: Sakawa mostly takes place on the Internet. While appeasing the gods of the physical world will help with Sakawa success, these gods are inexperienced with bringing blessing to the Internet, which is an entirely new realm. Only Inglip was born inside the Internet, and only a sacred few prophets and holy men know how to appease his hunger. When Inglip is hungry, all the Sakawa in the world will not bring you money–he eats all your profits!
Luckily, you’ve found the secret that has brought so many Sakawa practitioners the greatest wealth imaginable. The holy men who make sacrifice to Inglip will help you gain riches for a very small price, and send you a token proving the ritual’s success–as well as instructing you on how to best please and appease Lord Inglip, keeping your Sakawa profits skyrocketing.
The best part of making sacrifice to Lord Inglip is the minimal risk involved. No one has ever been diseased or harmed from crossing Inglip; however, at his most wrathful Inglip has been known to destroy computers. Because Inglip only lives inside the Internet, he is only capable of harming computers and not people. However, our priests know Inglip fairly well and can inform you of most activities that will anger him, and your computer should not be at risk.
You can contact Inglip’s high priest by email at [email protected] or on Twitter @kilgoar. We understand that your Sakawa has not been paying well lately, so we only ask a very small price to cover the expenses in making the sacrifice to Inglip. Advice on keeping Inglip pleased will be provided free of charge, making repeated sacrifices to Inglip less necessary.
LONDON — Fans mourn the untimely and tragic death of singer and entertainer Justin Bieber. After collapsing on stage, Bieber was rushed to hospital, but despite the best efforts of doctors Bieber passed quietly Thursday evening.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, in a brief press conference outside the hospital, said, “Bieber’s heart gave out, but we are still trying to determine the cause. These kind of fatalities are often associated with drugs or heart defects, but the coroner’s report should bring light to the situation.” Angered at this statement, the crowd of fans attending the press conference assaulted Dr. Troubador, who was slightly injured before police intervened.
Some “Beliebers,” as fans of Bieber like to be called, have refused to mourn the pop star’s death. Unconvinced that Bieber has actually died, some accused the singer’s managers of keeping the young teen heart-throb to themselves. “He’s just too good for this world,” said one stony-faced fan. “They want him all to themselves. I know he can’t die like this.”
Makeshift altars have been erected in public places around the world as other fans attend vigils in Bieber’s honor. “Today my world died,” said Bieber fan-club founder Jessica Kim, “and no one can ever take his place.”
ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.
Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”
Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.
It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.