“Joker Killer” James Holmes converts to Islam

Holmes now says his victims were infidels.
James Holmes, a newly converted Muslim, now says his victims were infidels.

AURORA, Colorado — Thursday, news broke Mass murderer James Holmes re-imagined the motivation for his spree-killing and took up strict Islamic practices. Holmes’ spree-killing took place in a Colorado movie theater as a gunfight broke out on screen in the newest Batman movie. Holmes was dressed as the Joker as he gunned down 12 people and injured 58 others.

Holmes now follows a strict diet, prays toward Mecca five times a day, and diligently studies the Koran. He now sports a full beard in Islamic tradition.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, psychologist, said, “Holmes is a perfectly sane person who styles himself an extreme performance artist. This killing was meant to satirize the bloodthirsty public, and his constant tongue-in-cheek posturing as the ‘other’, whether it be the Joker or an Islamic terrorist,  is meant to poke fun at the simple-minded black-and-white thinking in American culture. His message couldn’t be more clear: There is a disgusting double standard for violence where innocent deaths at the hands of the American Military or in motion pictures do not cause public alarm until ‘innocent’ Americans die. He was willing and desperate enough to stake his life on this joke.”

Inside sources at the prison say Holmes is already planning to shave his beard and hair to pose as a neo-Nazi for his next hearing.

Adrian Chen Gunned Down at PyCon

Adrian Chen, a pioneer of Python programming.

New York, New York–The infosec community lost another brave soul today as Adrian Chen’s Mazda Miata was run off the road by a vindictive troll. The news comes as a shock to family and friends as they find out about the true nature of his death, which started at ComicCon, a men-only Python programming conference, which has been known to cause coniption fits among bronies and femininazi’s alike. Chen was last seen screaming at a man who asked to “fork” his “dongle” and stormed off in a fit of rage.

Friends say Chen’s vapid personality and small stature led people to believe he was actually Jewish blogger Susan Basko, who was actually a troll who pestered Chen into almost committing suicide in 2012 after outing her as the Great Reddit Troll violentacrez.

While most who knew Chen knew his skills were exceptional, as he had a penchant for infuriating the masses with his tepid python code which Gawker used to relentlessly psy-op Anonymous into thinking anyone cares about anything.

Investigators are still looking into the case, little is known, but word on 4chan is it was actually another Mazda Miata that ran his Mazda Miata off the New Jersey Turnpike, forever, into the abyss.

Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Dead at 59

Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.
Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.

LOS ANGELES — Fans mourn the loss of porn star Ron Jeremy, whose remarkable cock exploded tragically during the opportunistic shooting of an unauthorized “onsite” pornographic film at Cedars-Sinai hospital. Jeremy was hospitalized after suffering a near-fatal heart aneurysm.

Mike Sesterman, Ron Jeremy’s agent, said Wednesday Jeremy died as he lived: “Jeremy died while performing multiple simultaneous sex acts on a swathe of gorgeous, beautiful women for a mockumentary in his hospital bed. He loved all the support of his friends and fans and swore he would forever fuck life in the ass, until the day that he died.”

Jeremy’s cock partially exploded while buried in the rectum of a young Hollywood nurse, who asked not to be named for fear of losing her job at Cedars-Sinai. Blood squirted from the tip of his penis as it split like a flower down the middle.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, urologist, stated, “I have never seen such a large cock in my entire life. Porn Stars like Ron often abuse cock-enhancing medication which can lead to heart aneurysms and sudden cock explosion. Common sources of these drugs are internet e-mail spammers, who often cut their products with dangerous stimulants to provide short-term penis length gains.”

Mike Sesterman is responsible for dispersion of the Jeremy estate. The estate, he said, is to be divided among Jeremy’s family and cock-growth medication hucksters to whom he owes various debts and apologies.

Pretentious Chronicle Post Horrifies Millions

"The beauty of art is that it can be interpreted many ways by many different people."
“The beauty of art is that it can be interpreted many ways by many different people.”

The great American struggle: grappling with the blank page

I was sitting at my computer just before dawn, listening to the steady crackle of my overworked record player, bouncing repeatedly off the groove in the paper label of The Beatles’ Let It Be.

Procrastination never sounded so sweet. I brewed myself an espresso as I played with the idea of putting on the Smiths. My neighbors probably hear it at top volume and wallow in the jealousy they must feel, living in the shadow of the tortured dark success just sixteen feet away. The power they’ll never meet – unless they come ask me to turn it down.

People just don’t understand me. It takes a unique point of view, cultivated within the bowels of suburban all-white neighborhoods, perverted by Mormonism, to really understand where I’m coming from. And even then, they’ll probably just go on Facebook and hashtag it. Pop a pill, and feel nothing. So dark. So troubled.

Sent from my iPhone

The Idiot Crackdown

In 2010, WikiLeaks released film of an American bombing of reporters in Iraq leaked by Bradley Manning, a military intelligence analyst who fell in love with a WikiLeaks operative he knew only as Nathaniel. Bradley Manning fed Nathaniel millions of State Department memos, which further destabilized America’s delicate relations with the Arab world. Some believe Nathaniel was none other than Adrian Lamo, a former WikiLeaks associate who was later known for using Social Engineering techniques to extort confessions from Bradley Manning. In his statement at the court-martial proceedings, Manning admitted his relationship with Nathaniel had become “artificial,” and said he did not even use Tor [encryption] for his final leaks.

Barrett Brown acted as spokesperson for Anonymous, a technofetishistic Internet anarchist subculture, although he was quite fond of stating that he had never declared himself such. Anonymous attacked financial institutions that blockaded donations to WikiLeaks with the use of a Voluntary Denial of Service, which they likened to a virtual sit-in. WikiLeaks also enlisted Anonymous in hacking and publishing documents from Stratfor, an intelligence publication they misrepresented as a “Shadow CIA,” part of the fake operation #Antisec, which was headed by the recently-converted federal agent, Hector Monsegur Xavier, aka, Sabu. Brown viciously defended Sabu from accusations of being a federal agent.

Brown was indicted for cooperating with Anonymous in an attack on HBGary, a defense contractor which engineered Weaponized Social Media, a form of propaganda in which thousands of fake online personas were used to influence public opinion. He was also indicted and raided by police for retweeting [spreading] sensitive identity information of Stratfor employees. Brown was alerted to the raid ahead of time, by Sabu, and hid his laptop in his mother’s dishwasher. Agent Smith, having been tipped off by Sabu, found the laptop in the dishwasher and seized all of Brown’s computers, which contained the only copies of his pending book on Anonymous. Brown’s writing quickly degenerated into paranoid babble as he intravenously injected suboxone, a liquid oral medication prescribed for heroin withdrawal. In a series of YouTube videos released on September 11, 2011, Brown orated majestically from his apartment balcony and declared war on the children of Agent Smith. He was arrested hours later.

Andrew Auernheimer, known to the internet as Weev, was credited with popularizing the gaping asshole image “Goatse,” perhaps the most important staple of Internet shock humor. Weev enjoyed spouting racism and hate speech just to offend but was also a proficient coder and adept hacker. He was most proud of hacks which took the least amount of work, and often spoke of creating impossibly powerful characters in a Multi-User Dungeon game by entering negative numbers for character attributes. In an even simpler hack, Weev unearthed the personal information of millions of iPhone users and released this information to Internet tabloid Gawker. Weev was indicted and after several hearings requested to be incarcerated for the maximum possible time, saying, “You people should be ashamed of yourselves.” As he reached for his iPad, sheriffs tackled him to the ground and handcuffed him. Friends in the courtroom chanted “cocks,” and over 30 people were ejected from the proceedings.

“Aaron Socio”, a self-proclaimed prophet who proselytized pacifism and monism to Anonymous-identifying individuals on the internet, traveled across the United States living in a Winnebago. Socio purchased a persona management network from hackers in Argentina modeled after HBGary and used this to promote his religious teachings. After influencing a powerful brain-injured savant within Anonymous, Aaron Bale, Socio built a team of elite coders headed by Bale who created the ALIO mind virus, a much-improved version of HBGary’s persona management. This system was built upon a botnet, an illegal cloud computer which was programmed to generate its own fake user profiles. These profiles were guided by Socio’s Dehegemonic algorithm and intended to push humanity towards world peace.

Despite successful deployment of this sophisticated software system on December 21st, 2012, Socio became distraught that the world had not transformed as quickly as he had hoped. Just one week after ALIO’s release, Socio sped down a highway in Missouri, pushing his Winnebago to the absolute limit. Missouri state troopers made chase for two and half hours at speeds of up to 90 miles per hour, and finally the radiator of the motor-home exploded, disabling the vehicle, which veered into the median and rolled onto its back. The irate redneck cops in Missouri worked Socio over brutally, and during this beating, Socio revealed the details of his Anonymous operation. Not believing Socio, the police charged him with terroristic threats anyway, along with reckless driving and evading arrest.

Illuminati stages Lil Wayne Death Hoax

Lil Wayne death hoax fooled millions of fans, Friday.
Lil Wayne death hoax fooled millions of fans, Friday.
INTERNET — Friday, millions were fooled by an Illuminati psy-op targeting fans of Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne visited the hospital for a prostate exam, and the paparazzi working for TMZ falsely reported he had suffered a ‘sizzurup overdose’ leading to a gruesome death by seizures.

TMZ has not redacted their false and dangerous reports, and Lil Wayne’s handler’s reportedly confirmed his safe condition using his Twitter account while the doctor checked his prostate for cancer. Lil Wayne has been a target of the Illuminati in the past, although he has defiantly stood up against their plans.

Inspired by Dennis Rodman, Lil Wayne planned on visiting North Korea, drawing the ire of the Illuminati. It is said that the leader of the Illuminati, a 35th degree freemason, can kill his enemies with a mere thought. Considering the incredible danger Lil Wayne must pose to the Illuminati, it is astounding he is still alive.

Vinceinthebay ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!

Sue Brasko
Sue Brasko

INTERNET–Sue Brasko, that insane woman staring at you from behind her macbook in the corner of Starbucks, filed a lawsuit against Internet Trolling Radio Host Vinceinthebay. Brasko stated, “This man hangs out with aliens, known to the internet as The Rustle League, and they have no human empathy whatsoever. He was abducted by them, injected with their DNA, and now he is like them. That’s why I’m suing all of them.”

Pressed for more details, Brasko cackled evilly for our reporters and then sneered at us like a witch, “I’ll get them all! All of them! Free Aaron Socio! Free Aaron Bale! The Rustle League are feds, aliens, satan-worshipping demon-summoners!” She slammed her fist on the table as she screeched, “DANNY DANTALION HAS PUT A CURSE ON ME, BUT HE’LL SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT!” Brasko then started typing random, insane commands into a unix terminal on her macbook as if she knew what she was doing, mumbling mantras as her bloodshot eyes bulged rhythmically.

Vinceinthebay, responding as we replayed this video of Brasko incantations, said, “Fact check your own blog, amateurs . . . You people are addicted to kittens and bacon . . . We got people pretending to be journalists who are just tweeting lolcat memes.”

Listen to Vinceinthebay weekdays at 9PM PDT.