Syrian Liberation Looming, Commerce Dept.: Streaming Al Jazeera English a ‘Felony’

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America's Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria
Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America’s Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

WASHINGTON – As a full-scale NATO offensive against Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad looms, the Obama administration’s Commerce Department is ensuring that Americans have full access to accurate information about the upcoming struggle. Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker said Tuesday that any Americans attempting to Web-stream Al Jazeera English, as opposed to Al Jazeera America, would face felony charges.

In an on-the-record teleconference Tuesday Sec. Penny Pritzker said, “Al Jazeera America is the go-to source for Americans interested in news about the conflict. In a time of war, it’s time for Americans to unify around one story and one nation.”

State Public Affairs Undersecretary Tara Sonenshine joined Sec. Pritzker on the call, and added what she described as “much-needed” context to State Secretary Hillary Clinton’s Spring 2011 advisement that Al Jazeera English had proven the “real news.”

It was then, in the midst of the Arab spring, that Sec. Clinton said, “Al Jazeera has been the leader in … literally changing people’s minds and attitudes” and that it had been “really effective.”

Ms. Sonenshine addressed complaints by disloyal Al Jazeera staff, published in Lebanon’s Al Akhbar, that Al Jazeera had become oblivious to suffering allegedly caused at the hands of the Free Syrian Army’s freedom fighters.

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans
Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Ms Sec. Sonenshine said, “Unfortunately, frivolous public statements by violators of NDAs [nondisclosure agreements] have compromised what remains an interest in global awareness and the free flow of information.”

The high-level officials’ comments echo a Commerce Department position articulated last month. A department Green Paper made clear the administration’s position that Congress should “enact legislation adopting the same range of penalties for criminal streaming of copyrighted works as now exists for criminal reproduction and distribution.” As the liberation of Syria has become more certain, Congress has acted to ensure that violators of intellectual property rights are delivered justice.

“Would-be offenders,” said Ms. Sonenshine, “should understand our commitment to protecting the innovation of all of our global partners, including Al Jazeera America. I want the international community to understand we take our IP [intellectual property] obligations as seriously as ever.”

Al Jazeera provided what the state secretary regarded as “cutting-edge” coverage of the Arab Spring. Since then, the Qatar-based news service has launched a new channel, Al Jazeera America, tailored especially to the interests and – said Undersecretary Sonenshine – self-interests of middle-class Americans.

Sec. Pritzer cited her concern that citizens might become “confused” about the United States’ and al-Qaeda’s new, mutual front against the barbarism of the Assad regime. Al-Qaeda, a Salafist and Wahhabist group slandered throughout the Gulf, is now on the front lines against the Syrian evildoers.

“While Americans have every right to feel misgivings over al-Qaeda’s role in perpetrating the 9/11 attacks,” said Sec. Pritzker, “it is far more important, for national security, for them to now remember the plight of Syrians suffering from the Assad regime’s morally obscene deployment of weapons of mass destruction.” Added Pritzer, “The agenda of freedom in the Middle East is larger than any given sect or clique. We can’t kowtow to domestic extremists bent on enforcing their grudges on the rest of civil society.”

5 million dead after Obama orders Nuclear Strike on Syria

A large area of Damascus was transformed into a "Sea of Glass" after Obama ordered retaliation for chemical attacks on Syrian civilians.
A large area of Damascus was transformed into a “Sea of Glass” after Obama ordered retaliation for chemical attacks on Syrian civilians.

DAMASCUS — Much of Syria has been transformed into a “Sea of Glass” after sources reported an enormous nuclear blast Wednesday. President Obama addressed the American people from the Oval Office, saying, “We cannot permit the use of weapons of mass destruction against innocent civilians anywhere in the world. The Assad regime has been annihilated and can no longer threaten the peace and stability of the world.”

Early estimates suggest as many as 5 million Syrians died instantly, and nuclear fallout specialists suggest that nearly a million will die slow, painful deaths from cancer and mutations. People around the globe have taken to the streets in mourning for the civilians killed by the Assad regime’s vile chemical attacks.

Russian President Vladimir Putin issued a furious statement to President Obama, “Next time we’re looking for a new source of oil and have to drop a nuke, the world should know who to blame. Obama has set the precedent, and now we’re just looking for our first target. The Russian people are as thirsty for oil as the Americans, and we have even more powerful nukes!”

Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

Glenn Greenwild admits to affair with Edward Snowden

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong
Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

HONG KONG — Witnesses tell the Internet Chronicle they saw Journalist Glenn Greenwild and Edward Snowden “drunk and making out” in public before police escorted the couple back to a hotel room. Recent reports show Greenwild’s boyfriend, David Miranda, was detained at the border in London while under pay of the Guardian for muling Snowden’s secret documents.

Internet Chronicle contacted Miranda, who fumed, “If it’s true he’s been banging Snowden and putting me in the crosshairs to keep the Snowden story going for a few more days then it’s over. I knew Glenn could be a dick, but this is just too much. We do not have an open relationship.”

Glenn Greenwild told Internet Chronicle reporters with his characteristic malice, “David and I have always had an open relationship, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. I told him dating me has its negative consequences, and you wanna know the truth? Me and Edward have been sleeping together for a long time before Edward even worked at the NSA. I love Edward. He loves me, and that’s why he got a job at the NSA and gave me the files. If David really loved me, he’d be begging to mule more files, but no, he can’t get over his jealousy for Edward. It’s over”

The Internet’s Top 10 Top 10

Nothing brings inordinate amount of Internet Traffic to amateurish writing like uselessly posturing pieces of art in pointless lists which imply one piece of art is better than another. 

1. Top 10 Most Gruesome Torture Methods (Cracked)

Yet another banal walk through torture methods that everyone already knows about somehow seems more interesting when juxtaposed with descending numbers. This is standard practice for Cracked, the site where humor writers go to die. Nowhere do they mention the greatest form of torture, electromagnetic neuromodulation. When neuromodulated, not only do you have no idea who is torturing you or why, but you can be made to sleep or blasted with extreme pain at any moment. Do you have Narcolepsy or Migraines, or is the Illuminati targeting you with neuromodulation? Hopefully they are, if you write this kind of swill for Cracked. Top Ten Lists on Cracked would top any list of Gruesome Torture Methods I could come up with.

2. Top 10 Top 10 Lists (TopTenz)

There are a legion of people who get off of work every night and find the most satisfying way to wind down is to read top ten lists, and of course they need a central location that arranges the top ten lists in a way that they can best access — Top Ten Top Ten Lists.

3. The Top Tens (TheTopTens)

The Top Tens is much like TopTenz only not as good. Hah! This is why Lists are Awesome. There are hundreds of these kinds of Top Ten aggregation web sites, but the ones that arrange Top Tens into Top Tens are by far the easiest to navigate.

4. Ten Bizarre Things You Can Get From a Vending Machine (ListVerse)

This is a great top ten list because it’s actually an advertisement for stupid business ideas which will fail miserably. This is posted on an old-style top ten aggregation web site, which means it doesn’t list all of its top tens in one centralized top ten list, even though the site contains nothing but top tens. Get with the times, ListVerse.

5. Time Magazine’s All-Time Best Lists (Time)

This isn’t a Top Ten, and it doesn’t even number the lists against each other, so the lists are not in any order I can get off on. However, there are hundreds of Lists, which proves that even legitimate magazines now have an office dedicated to cranking out enumerated lists. If only they would get with the times and enumerate their list of lists so I could finally decide which one is definitely the best.

6. Top 10 Interview Questions and Answers  (

There’s really nothing funny or entertaining about this list until you envision an employer who got all of his or her interview questions from an Top Ten List and hired only people who also got their answers from the same Top Ten List. That’s how excellent businesses like ListVerse and TopTenz got started.

7. The Top 10 Best Cities to Move to Today (The Onion)

A rollicking and hilarious ride through some of the fakest cities you’d never want to move to. Or, if you are fooled by the subtle satire, these actually seem like pretty nice places and you might be slightly disappointed to find out they aren’t real. Trolled once again by the Cyber-Bullies at The Onion.

8. The Ten Best Top-Ten Lists (Alternet)

The author of this article shares the same point of view as I do but then expresses it like a goody-two-shoes and tries to find Top-Ten lists that aren’t what I’m complaining about. A top ten list of lists that may actually be worth reading.

9. Ten Worst and Best Foods (Center For Science in the Public Interest)

This list doesn’t tell the poverty-stricken obese masses how to afford a diet of Wild Salmon and Unsweetened Greek Yogurt, but a Top Ten list is exactly the solution you’d expect from a bunch of namby pamby activists who believe in changing the world with stupid propaganda.

10. This List

That’s So Meta, Bro.

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Canadian PM Against Human Trafficking Totally Looks Like The Human Trafficking Type

Stephen Harper has that look on his face |

Canada’s ultra conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, bears the resemblance of your typical sexual predator.

His wavy, artificial, parted hair shell – his coy, lazy smile and sloppy gaze, and his unbuttoned shirt and dad-glasses don Harper with the unassuming appearance of an aloof summer camp counselor, youth group coordinator, or varsity league football coach.

Regular sexual intercourse with young boys on the ‘whore boats’ of Lake Superior gives a man that uncanny glow, which Mr. Harper seems to shine everywhere he goes.

Harper, who stated that his government is “firmly committed” to combating human trafficking, was probably referring to the firmness of his dick for aboriginal prostitutes who, because of their marginalized positions in society, are offered no real protections from exploitation, but instead are issued politically convenient promises.

Oftentimes these people who are most against prostitution are the worst offenders.

Tyler Bass, Chief Executive

Many First Nations women, children and even babies are trafficked throughout Canada by the Harper regime under the umbrella of their own “protection,” similar to the Bosnian girls being trafficked out of their own nation into Europe and Russia by the UN peacekeeping forces designated to protect them specifically from that behavior.

Sometimes women are even trafficked across Lake Superior into the United States, author Dave Dean tells us. But mostly the Harper-sanctioned trafficking occurs within Canada, where his tyranny reigns unchecked through the alteration of federal documents.

“Oftentimes these people – typically they’re these hyperconservative types – who are most against [prostitution] are the worst offenders,” said Tyler Bass, Chief of the The Internet Chronicle’s Washington, D.C. bureau. “Like Republican Senator Larry Craig, for example: Craig of course was the outspoken anti-gay politician who was caught soliciting sex from strangers in an airport men’s room. You see this all the time in politicians.”

The Harper scandal is only just beginning to unfold, so monitor hashtag #harperscandal and stay tuned to The Internet Chronicle for the latest sensational headlines and more, brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This broadcast issued graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We Own Capital.™