Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

Illuminati No Longer A Conspiracy Theory

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.
The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”

The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”

Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”

Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”

Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”

President Obama Pardons Chelsea Manning

WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.

As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.

Twitter Pissing Contest Shatters World

Dan Danwald's freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.
Dan Danwald’s freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.

INTERNET — Wednesday, secret documents reported on by the world’s greatest investigative reporter, Dan Danwald, sparked a rare outburst of dissension within the keyboard freedom movement. In a scathing blog post loaded with the fine writing of a beginner, Tob Tobson fired a shot across Danwald’s bow, rightly accusing him of withholding the documents at the detriment of freedom. Danwald quickly fired back, saying that withholding the documents actually increased freedom by preserving security, a common point of view of the police state, but Tobson was not shaken, even after withstanding hours of cyberattacks and trolling via the Twitter social media site.

Tobson maintained with indeterminate language that the content withheld by the Danwald could lead to a more informed popular debate, and therefore more freedom, flying in the face of decades of Baudrillian Media Theory and common sense. However, our editors confirm that the idea of changing the world with propaganda is the root of all evil and Tobson is correct in asserting that the documents should be released, although saying that this should be done merely for the sake of the historical record and the benefit of posterity does not win Twitter Pissing Contests when freedom is on the line.

This rousing and fanatical debate came to a crescendo when Danwald pulled his secret trump card, intimate sexual knowledge of the leaker, Eddard Snow, and his intentions. According to Danwald, Snow wanted him to keep the documents as secret as possible while maximizing their profit potential. As a result, Danwald and his big business associates have held back as much information as possible so as to keep the public wanting more.

In a second scathing blogpost by Tobson on Thursday, Danwald was taken to task for the odious Twitter Debacle of the previous day. Not only that, but Tobson jumped on all of Danwald’s most vulnerable locations, likening the debate to a knife fight. Tobson wrote, furiously, that Danwald wasn’t really doing what Eddard Snow wanted. He asserted that Danwald did not respect the spirit of Eddard Snow’s intentions, which Tobson is more attuned to then Danwald, despite lack of an intimate sexual encounter in Hong Kong. Tobson angrily wrote that Danwald only half-bakes his reports and does terrible things such as consult with sources in the evil National Spying Agency to “strengthen” his story.

Quoting himself in italics, Tobson accused Danwald of being an Elite with an unfair Media Monopoly on Eddard Snow’s secret documents and called Danwald’s Mega-Elite boss a booby head before promising a third and even more scathing blog post in the near future. Tobson managed to draw enough power off of Danwald in the encounter to amass a Kamehameha wave, but when this energy attack was released, Danwald and Tomson were left floating in space among the debris of the now-ruined Earth.

Mitt Romney says Bradley Manning got what he deserved

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney.

Chances are, you voted for me in the 2012 elections and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my cold black heart. Really, I mean it. We didn’t lose that election, by the way. It was stolen. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today.

This is a message to all American citizens

even the gay ones, because you’re people too

Our government is hunting its political opponents and using the NSA to Hoover stuff up about us and publish it online.

Wow, Mitt Romney.

During the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, the FBI and NSA teamed up with Qwest Communications International, Inc. – a Lebal Drocer subsidiary – to intercept my emails for about six months during the event. They monitored the content of all email and text messages in the Salt Lake City area.

That includes me.

I’m Mitt Romney, I should have won the election, and that faggot Bradley Manning got what he deserved. It’s because of people like him that we can’t have freedom.

It’s because of Fagley Manning that I lose the election. Now they’re gonna spy superhard on all the rest of you.

And you know what? I’m glad.

I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message.

Mitt Romney is owned and operated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

David Miranda unveils Loch Ness Monster Coverup

David Miranda announced the UK's ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.
David Miranda announced the UK’s ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.

LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.

Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”

Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”

Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”