David Miranda unveils Loch Ness Monster Coverup

David Miranda announced the UK's ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.
David Miranda announced the UK’s ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.

LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.

Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”

Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”

Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”

Take the Troubadour Challenge

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

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Texan newborn charged with murder after absorption of twin

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin brother in his mother's womb.
Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.

HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”

Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”

The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”

Dog the Bounty Hunter tortured and murdered by KGB

Dog The Bounty Hunter was captured by the KGB on live television and tortured, to the delight of Snowden fans.

When Bradley Manning apologized for doing harm to the nation, a legion of supporters who spent the past two years proving such a thing was impossible lost their minds. Before posting a torrent of grainy old pictures of Manning as a child, many said, “How dare you criticize Manning for apologizing.  He is not your icon, he is a human!”

Forget the Stalinist Show Trial and the cell tower neuromodulation mind control. It’s obvious we can’t trust a word Manning says anymore, so we’re left to grieve over photos of him as an incorruptible child. We ought to be talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. Didn’t you hear? He’s sniffing around in Russia for a billion dollar bounty on Snowden. Fans of Snowden naturally are not too impressed with Dog, but they are singing high praise for the KGB’s potential brutal torture and murder of Dog. Because, you know, fans of Snowden are fans of freedom.

But Dog isn’t really going to Russia, and the KGB no longer exists. Too bad, because I wanted to see someone opposed to Snowden brutalized on television. Maybe we can look at how Barrett Brown and Anonymous exposed many things that may have been as significant as Snowden’s revelations but never got the time in the spotlight. I mean, you can’t really trust those Anonymous pranksters not to stick some fake file in there when they’re already in your PlayStation ruining your game of Call of Duty. What would you do if you were charged with popularizing leaks for that kind of an organization? Other than spending a huge amount of effort denying he’s done just that, Barrett Brown threatened an FBI agent and his family in a set of videos so he could capture his own arrest, live on video chat. But of course that didn’t get him the attention that waiting a few months could have. Democracy Now and other unbiased activist news sources like Russia Today can’t mention that incident now that Brown is a sideshow to Snowden. However, Brown is just like Socrates, and to be clear, all he did was post a link! 

Forget about Snowden’s lost leaks on subterranean UFO civilizations, HAARP, and Chemtrails. Those are illusions created by the Elites, just like Bradley Manning’s apology and all of Barrett Brown’s threats and lies. This is just like the Matrix, only Real! Take a red pill to filter out the lies, but don’t be disappointed when you find out Reality is just a heap of secret government documents in a big tent filled with petulant, mendacious, power-obsessed armchair activists dying to string Dog the Bounty Hunter up and celebrate his slow suffering at the hands of Snowden’s KGB protectors.

Rush Limbaugh Endorses Marijuana

stoned
Rush Limbaugh says he used marijuana to recover from opiate addiction and now supports legalizing pot.

EIB NETWORK OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE — Controversial Conservative Talk Radio Mogul Rush Limbaugh endorsed medical marijuana legalization on his show Tuesday, and told Internet Chronicle reporters smoking the “Mary Jane” helped him recover after a scandalous opiate addiction. Rush pontificated in front of the golden EIB microphone, “All you listeners out there in flyover country, I know this might scare you a bit, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it through hundreds of shows if it weren’t for the benefits of medical marijuana. When I topped off my cigar with a half gram, all my tremors and cravings for painkillers disappeared. I was able to speak more eloquently than ever, if anything. And when I stopped craving the painkillers, I went back to normal cigars without any withdrawals whatsoever. I know this may come to a shock to some of the people out in the heartland, but Marijuana is a truly miraculous medicine.”

Rush Limbaugh brought Libertarian talk host Neal Boortz onto his show for a discussion about the flaws and merits of legalizing drugs. Rush took the position that mostly harmless and medicinally-oriented drugs like marijuana and possibly MDMA should be legalized, but Boortz pushed for legal recreational use of all drugs. Boortz, exasperated, said “We should be ashamed that we have more prisoners than any other country in the world, and who are we locking up? They’re all drug addicts. They buy and consume drugs. That’ll drive the economy as powerfully as a war, as long as we nationalize the production and retail of the drugs as we do with alcohol and armored humvees. It’s win-win.”

Hastings rumor of Hastings ‘Unauthorized Cremation’ Mega-Rumor Being False, False

False-300x198INTERNET — It is a known fact that Michael Hastings body was indeed cremated by the Stasi without the permission of Hastings’ family. Today, an extremist secret police sponsored internet rag known as WHOWHATWHY ran a story claiming otherwise, after coercing family members to retract their story and say “It was our wish to have Michael’s remains cremated.”

It has become obvious to me that the Hastings cover-up has gone further than simply exploiting Tor users with iframe-neuro-programming exploits, but are now combining their efforts with Lockheed Martin and U.S. Cyber Command to radiate electrical pulses utilizing the IEEE 802.15.6 BAN(Body Area Network) for short-range biometric manipulation, which has been done to me many times while talking to people whom I believe to be federal agents.

The family was manipulated by a PHYSICAL psy-op WHOWHATWHY put in place while manipulating their body-chemistry to be controlled zombies for the world banking elite. The government will stop at nothing to keep the murder of a Rolling Stone journalist a complete and utter secret. I say this now as I fear for my life since my family is being terrorized by Stasi tactics involving discoloured meat.

New Technology Threatens Way of Life

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Technology in general advanced once again today, as a small group of scientists lurched beneath a tree in the courtyard of one of the many research wings in the Los Alamos National Laboratory. A short man with glasses, known only to the Internet Chronicle as ‘Dr. Bill’, was scribbling wildly on his iPad 7, taking calculations and analyzing on-the-fly reactions of what they were witnessing.

After years of sophisticated research into obscure interdisciplinary engineering, the group known only as the ‘Trinquier Group’– inspired by French World War II hero and counter-insurgency theorist Col. Roger Trinquier — was finally able to breathe a collective sigh of relief as the results ticked a green dot on Dr. Bill’s iPad, irrefutably indicating success. The beads of sweat running down their foreheads immediately turned from subtle nuisances to non-existent, as a jovial cheer came from the hush, followed by a round of low-fives and hugs, presumably.

“What just happened here was something never before witnessed by anyone before, this… this is something we’ve dedicated our lives to and finally, we have achieved  one of the greatest advancements in science.” said another DARPA funded scientist, the groups official spokesman. He continued, “Our way of life will be changed, once and for all, again.”

Miles outside the lab, a group of protesters gathered as rumors trickled out of the technologies success, fearing that their way of life may be threatened. Activist Lisa Lithian, holding a sign lambasting the politically neutral scientists for their life changing research, said to the Internet Chronicle: “There is absolutely no oversight to what goes on here, what kind of technologies are being created that would possibly change our lives.” Unaware that the new technology had already begun changing the way of her life, Lisa continued chanting in unison with the others.

Senior LANL Chairman, General Hamfred L. Gorgeworth, addressed congress today stating that the way of life threatened by this new technology was truly nothing to worry about. Allaying the fears of the already altered public.

FOIA Requested Documents “Heavily redacted” Says Snowden

Famous letter from the FBI to Martin Luther King Jr. attained from FOIA request now found to be heavily redacted, says Snowden.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden, grand wizard of leaking, was recently granted asylum in the USSR, ending his term as President of Sheremetyevo Airport. One of the conditions for asylum allowed by the Kremlin is that he could not, in fact, leak anymore information about the U.S. governments spying programs. Luckily, in a brilliant contingency plan set in place via encrypted “Lavabit” e-mails months ago between journalist Glenn Greenwild, filmmaker Laura Poitras and mystery PGP man Michael Vario, Snowden was able to ensure his leaks got through albeit by proxy.

In todays big reveal, Greenwild points out how Snowden showed through his years of experience as a mid-level systems administrator for various government agencies and shady contractors alike, that FOIA documents are often times “heavily redacted.”

Snowden postulates in a leaked Lavabit e-mail to Greenwild that “nearly 76.98% of all important information is actually censored or ‘redacted’-as they say in the military- from documents returned from FOIA requests. This is a severe breach of civil liberties and shit.”

This latest leak comes as a shock to the public intelligence based counter-private intelligence based community, who for years had thought they had been getting all the goods on government activities from their egregious FOIA filing. Recent attempts at crowd-sourcing automated FOIA requests have come to a halt, citing “extreme crestfallenness” as their reasoning.

Snowden Dead of ‘Apparent Suicide’

Edward Snowden
Some people might say Snowden was a hero. Not us, however. We hated Snowden.

Russian authorities say Edward Snowden was found dead in his hotel room Monday. The apparent cause of death according to US officials is suicide.

Edward Snowden became a global name in July following his controversial disclosure of top secret government documents confirming the supposed existence of a global surveillance program, PRISM, XKeyScore and other revelations surrounding the details of chemtrails and HAARP, the weather control facility recently discontinued by the United States as an apology to the Native American Indians.

Rumors of Snowden’s murder have already begun to circulate through Twitter and Facebook, although there is still no consensus around who to blame. Many patriotic Americans have already begun celebrating Snowden’s death by firing rifles and handguns into the woods behind their homes. The Socialist minority, however, staged a midnight vigil at the lawn under the Washington Monument.

Snowden’s death comes on the heels of an announcement by US President Barack Hussein Obama that the 2011 PATRIOT ACT is being dialed back, along with programs by the NSA and DARPA.

Obama made no promises to discontinue the global collection and analysis of Internet traffic, but said he did not consider Snowden a “patriot.”

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”