Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is being detained in a mobile diesel therapy unit en route to Cuthbert, Georgia in the Southeastern US, after documents tied him to a Lebal Drocer executive responsible for the stillborn deaths of hundreds of thousands of children in South Carolina, and who is sought in connection with an illegal “Fake News Bootcamp” where children are taught to write dangerous forms of Internet satire.
Georgia state authorities are seeking to question a prominent hate speech historian, Raleigh T. Sakers, who they suspect trained dozens of malnourished children to commit mass disinformation campaigns in their communities.
In addition to the defamed Lebal Drocer University professor Dr. Troubadour, recently released court documents accuse Sakers, the mysterious corporate executive behind the Lebal Drocer Uranium Waste Spill of 2011, of training children whose ages range from 16, all the way down to toddlers, to write lies, fabrications, and publish fake news under the guise of satire.
Sakers, who is also accused of exploiting the poor and disenfranchised for personal gain, has absolved himself of all guilt.
But them Georgia boys was watchin’
Cuthbert Sheriff Richard Petty said, “We had learned the occupants were most likely heavily armed and considered satirical extremists.”
The court papers show that Sakers, author of the self-help series “Transcendental Man,” is heir to the Lebal Drocer fortune, and hates fake news, as well as the so-called real news.
Georgia police executed a search warrant for Sakers and his estate after video surfaced of kids crying to be fed, while being forced to type on outdated computers in a hot crawlspace between two trailers.
The globalist music streaming service Spotify has removed episodes of “The Alex Jones Show” for violating its hate content policy, deliberately attacking Jones’ First Amendment right to Conspiracy as a religion.
“I was born into censorship. I was born being suppressed.” — Alex Jones
Emerick Jones is an American radio host and conspiracy theorist on Genesis Communications Network. He owns infowars.com, a trusted news outlet by Internet Chronicle, and he’s friends with Joe Rogan, after whom our weed is named. It’s a pure sativa, so you can achieve maximum mental potential. When used with Silverlung Technology, higher states of consciousness are unlocked, becoming accessible to the human mind.
President Trump described Jones’ reputation as “amazing.”
While many of Jones’ followers are virulent Holocaust deniers, Jones himself is a Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting truther, who denies the event and 26 deaths associated with it. He’s trolling!
No official word yet as to whether Spotify will explain their decision to delete infowars podcasts, but insiders say George Soros has tentacles in every app on the Android Market and iTunes store.
Hello Internet! I’m hatesec, and I am here to mansplain to you idiots a little story about dumb people. Okay, that’s the setup. Here’s your fucking story, and it goes a little something like this:
Dear Internet, stupid people sometimes let their Babies die in obvious, easily preventable ways. Why, just last week a young Arizona desert family let their larva babysac die after abandoning it in a hot car and then letting that car fall into gear and roll downhill, into an industrial greasetrap behind the Target on exit 57, just 45 miles from their home, which authorities say is normal in that area to drive that far to Target, which was weird because that sort of editorializing is not usually included in reports, but what the hell do we know?
Anyway, these mongoloids went on TV like they always do to register their grief to some pale, hungover, sickly-looking television reporter. But this time, Roz gave us something a little different. These Good People refused to pray for the godless animals who killed their little baby through negligent stupidity.
“We feel for them. We really do. We feel for ’em all. That baby dying stabs right into the motherfuckin’ heart of this community,” Shannon said. “But we just can’t keep them in our prayers. Their family – it’s just – you know… Well, they aren’t like us.”
The Davidsons next door also refused to keep the family in their prayers, but instead sent their regards.
“She had an abortion the year before,” Jeff Davidson said. “That’s just what she wanted anyway. It’s the same thing, right? I send my regards.”
Jeff operates the Davidson Family Facebook account, which a federal investigation recently found to have accepted money from CHRONICLE.SU, a website stationed in the Former Soviet Union.
The FBI believes chronicle.su is feeding money to well-meaning midwestern Facebookers in a bid to spread dangerous and subversive satire materials to unsuspecting readers ONLINE, through Fake News Media Outlets such as Facebook.com, Twitter and Google.
[Editor’s Note, doomsday preparedness edition: Internet Chronicle is rumored to be poisoning all our minds, and we must rise up dear citizens, and let us all be leaders against Her Tyranny, down with the so-called “glorious” and purportedly “infallible” CHRONICLE.SU. Let your nightmares become reality, with Extra Strength Terrormax PM. Take it once, and never fall asleep again.]
The Davidsons receive daily SMS messages from Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the recently defamed Internet Chronicle publisher who has been driven to live in a fortified compound beneath an abandoned missile silo. Sonya, Jeff’s wife or somebody named Sonya, showed us Raleigh’s latest message.
Ya don’t care to watch your baby, you just wanna go, go, go. Don’t care to — yeah she got an abortion didn’t she. Little Susie got an abortion. And that’s why Miley had to go. YOU CAN’T PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR KIDS, SU$AN. You abort one and keep another? You’re a little bitch, Susan, just like your mother!
Roanokers ‘weren’t happy’ with latest iMessage outburst
When the local church asked the community to kneel and pray for the Smiths, people stood up instead, and turned their backs to the priest. They weren’t happy.
“Some people walked out, and a few stayed.” said Mohinster. “Some prayed, but you could tell by their posture they didn’t mean it. They was praying ironically.”
Susan Delaney’s girlfriend, Joyce Barker, sent her one final text before turning the gun on herself. In the message, she gets all hyperbolic and guilt trips Susan which is an understandably tired premise:
For Your Love, I would give you all I could.
For your love, I would give you all I knew. I would lay down on a bed of spikes and wallow in dirt, fire and piss. For your love, I would lay in the sewers and bathe in disease. But I won’t pray for your dead baby, because you are a baby killer, and religion is literally all that I know. IT’S ALL I CAN UNDERSTAND.
“Just you wait!”
— Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
So naturally everyone was really freaked out to begin with, Chronicle surveillance expert Dr. Angstrom Troubadour said, upon reviewing videotaped footage of the texting as seen through her bacdoor!d webcam from god only knows where, but you can buy it! It’s for sale. It will make an excellent episode of the news, just you wait buddy. Just you wait!
Anyway, a baby died in that story, but really what more can I say. They wouldn’t pray for those people. You read it here, first. Religion, on chronicle.su
This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Who is Susan, anyway?
After much thought and heavy consideration, Media Mogul of Chronicle.SU ended his long-running campaign of support for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, and denounced him Thursday.
“We believe he’s been kind of mean,” said Mogul.
Chronicle.SU described Gaddafi’s actions as “rude, unnecessary and uncalled for.”
“We don’t like how he treated them boys,” said Mogul. “I think those people deserve drugs and videogames more than anybody, and it’s a tragedy he ever took it away when that whole thing went down. But I guess that is why, as he died, they raped him with a broom handle.”
Coming up, after the break:Why YOU should medicate YOUR depressed children, starting from birth.
Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.
Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.
“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”
Millennials are pussies.
Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare
Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.
“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”
“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27
An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.
One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:
“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”
Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”
“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”
Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.
At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.
Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.
And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?
To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.
The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.
Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.
Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.
Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.
It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.
Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.
“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”
Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.
He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.
It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.
He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.
And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.
Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.
Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.
Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.
“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”
ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an uncommon sense of belief in the system, and some stood in awe of the broad, diverse spectrum of choices ranging from rich white man, to rich white woman – and everything in between!
Maria Pleskin, student
“Which celebrity criminal do I vote for?” said Maria Pleskin, who just turned 18 and is voting for her very first time. Pleskin, who for some reason has a very stupid name, is a community college student at Virginia Western Community College in Roanoke, Virginia. “I’ll tell you this: I’m telling you, I admire Trump’s speeches but I’m in love with Hillary’s corporatism.” Pleskin was noticeably off-the-cuff and casual about the presidential election, while maintaining an almost painful awareness of the stakes.
Gary Marvin, political science professor and first-time voter
“I am afraid Trump would celebrate war crimes with brash bravado, whereas Hillary would handle civilian murder with quiet class, a serious face, and stern dignity,” said Gary Marvin, a political science professor at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. “I never used to participate in this sham of an electoral system, but when it comes to extralegal murder of US citizens, hashtag-I’m-with-her!”
Steven Harris, barista
“No shit all the third party candidates are crazy,” Steven says. He plays Counterstrike with a Steam group of ironic Communists. “You have to be crazy to run for president, but at least they’re crazy and ostracized. I took an online personality test, and it said I most identify with crazy, alienated people, which is why I’m voting third party.”
Hunter Bellard, glassblower
I’ve always admired Larry David’s work. I loved Seinfeld, and Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of the funniest comedies ever written. So obviously, I am sticking to my guns, and voting Bernie Sanders.
“Sanders is cool,” Bellard said. “I saw him on Twitter one time and I said ‘what’s up.’ But he’s busy, so he didn’t respond.”
I entertain no hope of ever owning land, people or property. I’m voting for Jill Stein.
Melissa Summers, 5th grade teacher
“I remember learning in Civics class about the differences between the two parties. It is a balanced and inclusive system.”
Melissa Summers, a 35-year-old school teacher from Arkansas, said she’s voting for Clinton out of a shared belief in the essential beauty of two-party oligarchies.
“Look, if the United States was an oligarch, power would rest only in the hands of a small group of wealthy military corporatists,” Summers said. “You know, our system might not be perfect, but it works. Progress takes time.”
Finally, our story turns to Dirty Johnny, an eighth grader at Hidden Valley Middle School in Roanoke. Even though he is too young to vote, Johnny is taking advantage of lax Virginia voter ID laws and voting for Trump in November, because he says Trump will stop the voices in his head.
“Trump understands me,” Johnny explained. “He loves me. That is what he tells me every night, from the air vent underneath my bed.”
VOTE YOU FILTHY ANIMALS. VOTE LIKE YOU’RE TOLD TO
At the time of publication, Vice did not respond to inquiries relating to this story.
Fuck all of you who suddenly care about people in Paris, people in Uganda, and people scooping oil sands out of the Niger Delta (oh wait, it isn’t time to care about them yet?).
You know who you are: You just saw it on the news, and suddenly now you care. If I hate anything more than hypocrisy, it’s those of you pretending to give a shit about x because y is happening on CNN. They are using you. THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF CABLE TV NEWS IS TO MANIPULATE YOU.
You want to impress me? (No.) Get the fuck off Twitter and Facebook, where I see you cunts, and shut the fuck up and then I’ll really start to notice. Because every time someone hashtags #PrayForParis neither a fuck nor a care is given and I do not recognize your so-called empathy. You are being manipulated into taking a position on an issue you didn’t know exists. Case in point:
I’m not about to waste my time researching whether it’s an authentic video or not because it doesn’t matter. Saudi Arabia, our strongest ally in the Middle East, funds ISIS which means the USA might as well fund ISIS and make their videos for them too. This ain’t yo’ daddy’s worldview! This is the technolibertarian hellscape of the New Century and you’re reading about it live on the Internet Chronicle.
Now, if I am to understand our reasons for destabilizing the Middle East via war and conflict are somehow tied to an improvement in human life, doesn’t it stand to reason we would have started in the absolute asshole of that region? Saudi Arabia: the women-hatin’est, gay-bashin’est, slave-beatin’est, religionest, rootin’ tootin’ HATEHOLE OF THE MIDDLE EAST, Saudi Arabia – with its control over global oil prices, public opinion and influence over mass media – is an abscess on human society. BUT THEY DO OUR BOMBING FOR US SO WE DON’T HAVE TO STRIKE YEMEN OURSELVES. What’s that saying, the shithole of my enemy is my shithole? Saudi Arabia must be about as American as a bald eagle’s pussy because we would question Palestine’s existence before even challenging the Saudi connection to global terrorism – our two best friends got married and we weren’t invited? Well we paid for the wedding, anyway.
By the way: The 9/11 hijackers were Saudi
Your blind support for anything you don’t know or understand is a blank check for powers that extend beyond anything you’ll ever know – all the way to the top – all the way to the masked sex parties where people you’ve never heard of who control the movement of hundreds of billions of dollars are banging virgin sex slaves, who weren’t taught English but trained instead only to articulate “Pray for Paris! Pray for Paris, MASTER!” as some greasy billionaire destroys them before they knew what life was. And you’re right there behind them, sucking the powercock.
So the next time you want to #PrayforParis do it somewhere I can’t see you or hear you, because I don’t give a fuck about Paris because IT WASN’T MY FUCKING IDEA TO CARE ABOUT PARIS. I care about writing this story more than I care how many thousands of people died in the World Trade Center attack, because it wasn’t my idea to care about that, either. How many people bemoan the loss of innocence who remembers where they were when a teacher announced JFK’s assassination, and suddenly they care about a pillar of power they can neither see nor understand, but it controls them?
The next time someone asks you to #PrayforBabyCailey or #PrayforAfrica here’s what you say. “I pray thee: Go fuck yourself. I’ll pray for who I want.”
Of course, prayer is bullshit anyway. If you believe in that shit you should check out The Secret on DVD, and after that, What the Bleep Do We Know? and after that, dude, check out this dank-ass Scientology, it’s got answers, man. Real Solutions. And after that, check out the Nazis, man. Final Solutions.
This is all a ruse to distract you from the systematic subjugation of human culture by turning over our sympathies to whatever is to then be done in our names: In America, everybody fell for that 9/11 bullshit and gave the executive branch more powers, unchecked aggression, and a Patriot ACT that will outlive us all. And rightfully so, your emotional weakness put us here. (Wow, aren’t you afraid of TERRORISM? How about some Terror Raids to correct that!) And they’re using the same tactics in France, where local police will use fears that don’t exist to justify acquisition of MRAPs, an arsenal of automatic machine guns, teargas hand grenades and fresh new black uniforms to battle the mean old fascists! Not turn into them, right? Right?
DENVER, Colo.– ISIS recruit Rawdah Abdisalaam’s twitter account is suspended and none of it is archived anywhere. Considering the United States manufactured #ISIS by bombing Middle Easterners’ homes (after manufacturing their predecessors by arming Afghans who fought against the Soviet Union), it seems like the best thing we could have in response would be their side of the story – at least for laughs, right?
Nope, suspended. We get shitty Newscorp interpretations of events like it’s always been. You know who #ISIS ultimately serves? Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, war machine manufacturers who knew this would happen and worked closely with policy makers to ensure when it does happen, their toys will be purchased even if the budget shrinks. The Pentagon budget has shrunk so much though, they’re now selling war toys to Saudi Arabia for bombing Yemen, and things will continue in that pattern for a while.
ISIS exists to perpetuate a cycle of American profit. Everything they do is to an American company’s profit, especially Boeing and Lockheed-Martin. Although they won’t admit it publicly, this girl who joined ISIS is a “fucking patriot” when they look at what she and her new sand-friends are doing for American bank accounts.
This war is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own everything that matters.