Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

You heard it here first!


NAMEATOWN, US–A local karate expert injured his hand and pride while trying to prove his strength by breaking a wooden board with his bare knuckles. Thurston Wallace, 19, after seeing elder karate experts nonchalantly break through boards using their foreheads, realized his strength was in question and was quick to saw a fresh board, intending to destroy it. He then demanded a Colorado resident to “hold that [depletive exleted]” and repeatedly attempted to break the board with his hand.
When Wallace was finally able to break the board,

a rip in the space-time continuum was apparently torn open, leaving humanity in shambles. The rest of our footage was thoroughly destroyed and all wax has now broken loose.

More on this story here: Pessimist Saves Universe

Puntball for All

Welcome to Puntball, internet. The Game, the legend.

# of players needed: 2 – Infinity.
Rule’s are simple. Player 1 tries to punt a basketball over or in between two power lines. 1 point for clearing the lines, 2 for in between. If the ball makes contact with a wite, the punt is null and void. Behind a certain line lays the +1 zone, which works like a 3-point zone, adding one point to the punt.
Here’s where it gets saucy: The player(s) not punting stand on the opposing side of the lines, trying to catch the ball to deem the punt “out”.
In the event that a player can catch his own punt before the ball passes the wires, a re-punt will be rewarded. If after, an extra point will be rewarded.
The players rotate in order until one reaches 11(or however many) points and the game ends.

My favorite summer game. Soon to be seen in the Olympics for sure. Enjoy!

Dick Means Business

Silly Mahmoud should know we are the only country allowed to have nukes.